This GD/GDe world we live in is one of high highs and low lows….the 'middle' doesn't seem to exist. And those low lows can bring terrible suffering, as we all know. I was off gender sites for a while taking care of the rest of my life and wanted to share what I found helped. The GDe crusade - including the repetitive crusade of HT - allowed me to mask other issues, but that only works for so long.

Things I changed:

- Got a new job that's better for me. This took ...

It honestly feels like stepping off a train. Waving goodbye to the people who are continuing on, some of whom you got into deep conversation with along the way. Their conversations resume, their heads bend together again, while you turn and wheel your suitcase away from the platform and through the station.

Now that suitcase has some pretty important cargo, and I know someday I'll be back, and some of those very same voices will smile and hug me back onto the train. But for now, ...

[INDENT][/INDENT]Control. It's the thing we get so little of during HT. Lack of control and straight-up bad news are among the reasons it's so hard. Oh and hormone fluctuations, intramuscular shots, money....ok so there's more.

But lack of control - that's a biggie. Waiting for an af. Waiting for the next appt. Waiting for results. Waiting for lining to grow. Waiting for the days to pass.

There's a bit of control in my hands right now. 5dp5dt. HPTs are bought ...

Oh that was a painful blog post to lose, first one I've ever lost. I won't be able to re-create, so will write a few lines quickly. After recording this journey for so long, I'd be amiss not to even try to capture my feelings tonight.

~3 years ago I first thought about HT. Eighteen months ago started researching in earnest. Fourteen months ago had my first consult. 9 months ago started first ER meds. 5 months ago got PGD results.

And now I'm having a FET, and ...

Ok I'm mad. Watching TV, relaxing, looking for a hotel for DH and I to get away for a couple nights. Hear something in the back of my consciousness while a commercial is on but I can't believe I heard correctly, so I rewind. Nope, I heard right. Two kids of one gender are both trying to get into a Subaru car's front seat, and the mom says as she's getting into the driver's seat, 'This is why I wanted (the other gender).'

I mean are you KIDDING me. What in the world is that. ...