The last 2 posts came together in my mind last night.

I thought I'd never get married. As in, for YEARS (12+?) I held this inner 'certainty' that I'd never marry, and I'd be the one out of my friends rocking in my little old lady rocking chair, with people wondering 'What happened to her?'. Or if I somehow did marry, it might be me settling for 'ok enough' but not real love.

Well, that inner certainty was wrong.

Which means that my inner doubter who ...

My DH going from being deeply against HT, to not saying no, to being a willing participant, to being a true partner....it has only enriched the deep love I've always felt for him.

Last night I told him the day 5/6 results, and he was interested and positive and asked questions, and I ended up reading him the entire texts of the dr's various mails, as well as research on expanded blasts.

We talked for a while about it, this topic I once felt I could never raise, since ...

I am trying hard to stay positive. After all, I have no clinical, fact-based reasons yet to believe this won't work. I'm in the waiting stage for PGD results, so they could be anything, and don't I have as much chance at anyone for half normals, with 1 of those being XX?

But that's not what I really feel.

I have this inner doubter inside me, whispering 'This isn't going to work. You won't be one of the lucky ones. YOU WILL NOT BE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.' This whisper, ...

So after breathlessly waiting 3 days (which felt like 10) to hear the day 5/6 results of my 2nd cycle, I'm now awaiting my PGD results in a week, for the 6 embryos from both cycles.

But weirdly, a week feels too fast. Once i get the results, everything changes. Either it's a miraculous result such that I don't need to cycle again, and feel confident waiting for my hoped-for mid-year transfer....though that really will be too good to be true. More likely, the result puts me on ...

Maybe it's tiredness from not enough sleep this week. Maybe it's post-ER deflation. Maybe it's results lower than I hoped for...and those were reality-checked hopes.

Maybe it's just.... this is what this process is. It's up, it's down. I'm not feeling romantic enough right now to call it a 'journey'. It's a medical process, and for all our best efforts, it can not be predicted or controlled.

There's a good movie Parenthood with Steve Martin, where at the end they ...