I'm a crazypants!

[LacePrincess]

Oh I am so glad that your DH has been such an angel. Mine is too. You can't choose your relatives, unfortunately, and I'm so very sorry that the relationship has been so awful with your parents.

Thankfully I don't have anything traumatic like that with my family, but I can't talk to them either. They have issues too but they're from a generation where all this was so stigmatized, and it still is in Asian culture. So my mom is so in denial about her own issues. I'm Christian too, but it just. Doesn't. Help. when you're in the depths of suicidal depression and someone tells you to 'pray for peace'. I know she loves me but she's clueless.

I don't really find I can talk to DH about this, but he puts up with SO much from my crap. He's amazing and I really should let him know it more often! He's ridden out all my waves of ups and downs, put up with my demanding OCD rituals, weathered my temper, and more. I really don't know why he hasn't run away screaming yet! LOL

Well it's been 2.5 hours since I posted this thread, and in that time I've gone from horrid black depression and tears, to OCD panic obsession, to slight euphoria and a mild sense of peace, to itchy agitation and tears. Seriously, in less than three hours! It has got to be the meds because this is really WEIRD man. I can't wait to see my doc next week!

[LacePrincess]

Hmm, updating for today. I guess this is kinda turning into my journal to record the crazy, lol.

I ended up 'ultradian' cycling very badly the last two days. Ultradian means, well, very rapid mood swings, like really bad PMS. I'm just past AF so there's no way it's hormone triggered. High/low/stable/high/low/etc throughout the day, mood changes within hours and sometimes minutes. Oh, and some fun panic/anxiety attacks mixed in too. This is very unlike me so I really think it's the Zoloft doing bad things. I have never shown signs of bipolar before but I read that Zoloft can trigger hypomania, and I'm hoping that's all it is.

Couldn't get ahold of my doc on the phone (grrrrr) and I'm honestly getting scared of things getting worse, so I dropped the dose down to 25mg and we'll see how it goes. The depression seemed less heavy this morning but I feel kind of gross physically (and my brain is all cotton-y like I'm hung over or something) so it's probably a bit of withdrawal. Sigh.

I'm going to really try to find a therapist. If my 'holy grail' med doesn't work for me anymore, then I'm so not in a good place to be doing the ridiculous merry-go-round of trying to find the new correct med, not when we're TTC. I've tried reading books on my own and online stuff but self-treating really doesn't work when your head isn't in a good place, you just can't get any perspective on anything because you're totally NOT seeing 'normal'.

I've gotten the munchies something terrible so now I'm starving too, just great......it's gotta be another withdrawal side effect. The worst is I can't concentrate worth a damn so it's hard to distract myself, but I don't want to let my illness fill my head with the nutty thoughts either. Ach!

Someday I'll look back on this post and be embarrassed about all this nuttiness, I'm sure. :P

[BeadinMom]

No. You won't look back on this post and feel embarrassed...you SHOULD look back on this post and feel PROUD.
This post, I am sure - will help a lot of people. You've shared things that only someone in this situation could understand...and in that situation, you feel very alone.
I've suffered from depression all my life...it's not something you can describe in words, but you've done an excellent job of explaining what it feels like.

I hope and pray that you find peace soon...you deserve it. ♥

[LacePrincess]

Awwwww Beadin.....

I'd like to say you made me cry, I'm so touched, but it might be the med effect, lol. But thank you. I'm very, very touched.

Been researching obsessively, because it's what I *do* when I'm all twitchy, LMAO......and I seem to fit all the signs of Zoloft induced hypomania. I've never suspected bipolar spectrum because I've never ever ever had that stereotypical euphoric invincible manic high, but apparently irritability/panic/anxiety can be a form of hypomania too. Oh.

Well, colour me surprised, you learn something everyday. Still riding out my mood cycles today (sigh) but it is amusing in a way. The nurse from the psych office called and told me to yeah, start coming off the Zoloft. We'll see on Monday what my psych says, if he confirms my suspicion that bipolar is in there somewhere. But since we're trying to get preggo once I get off the Zoloft I'm going to see about staying off meds at least through the first tri. I'm really hoping he can get me referred to a good counsellor, but, we'll see.

I came across this cartoon today, and OMG it's PERFECT. I can so identify with this! I laughed my butt off. I do feel better figuring things out, though my psych will probably take me to task again for over obsessing.



My mom thinks I should look into studying to be a therapist for this stuff, and yeah, I've definitely thought about it before. I think it's a good idea but I'm not gonna let myself get too into the idea right now since it's probably just a grandiose 'flight of fancy' in my current messed up state of mind, LMAO.

[BeadinMom]

LOL!!!! Aww...at least you have kept your sense of humor about the situation and that says so much about who you are!! ♥

For what it's worth, Wellbutrin has been my lifesaver.

[LacePrincess]

LOL!!!! Aww...at least you have kept your sense of humor about the situation and that says so much about who you are!! ♥

For what it's worth, Wellbutrin has been my lifesaver.

Hah, it's a coping mechanism, LOL. If you don't laugh, you'll cry, and with me often both at the same time!

Unfortunately, all SSRI's are off the table *if* I'm right and I'm somewhere on the bipolar spectrum. SSRI's (Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Prozac) and even SNRI's (Effexor, Celexa) can all trigger mania. I've read that they can be combined with mood stabilizers though but I need to see if I can find a non-med method if possible for at least the first tri of pregnancy.

It's funny, I've always had episodes of 'run away from my life' feelings before and I never recognized them as potentially problematic. Just when I thought I'd figured out my brain! Although if it is BP at least it ALL makes sense, as opposed to what I first thought that my brain was 'morphing' on me.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I believe that people who have experienced mental health issues in their lives make very good counselors. I am a drug counselor by trade. I got my degree while going through recovery and finished three years ago. I was am intern for a year and found that half of the counselors in my place of work were recovering addicts themselves. And funny story...they were the most well-loved counselors. They "got" it and were the right combination of gentle and tough. I do believe that learning this stuff from a book is NOT the same as having your head going in ten different directions and having to find some way to figure it out. Sometimes I think the general public does a great disservice to people who suffer from mental health disorders because they don't recognize how DAMN hard it is to get the help/medication/services you need while your brain is SOOOOOOO not cooperating. And the system (mental health care) makes it even worse. It takes a lot more work than anyone knows to handle a mental health issue.

FWIW: I think you made a good decision to cut back on the Zoloft. I know when I was on Effexor as a teenager I was downright suicidal (of course, my weapon of choice-starvation-was not exactly a quick-worker, so we caught it quick enough to take me off of them). That stuff made me have all kinds of thoughts of harming myself, "starting my life over," how my parents would be better if I wasn't around, etc, etc. So I do think medication can create those thoughts, especially when they come about suddenly and you are really not yourself. I hope you get into see your doc soon. And you should not be embarrassed for any of this stuff. It's not like you can "control your crazy." if you could, you certainly wouldn't pick to be crazy in the first place! Lol.

[LacePrincess]

Well that's it, hotdogz. How in the world to you 'get it', really, unless you've been there? Kind of like infertility, I can try to empathize and imagine myself in someone's place but I would be doing a great disservice to their pain to say I understand what they're going through. Because I can't.

I've thought about it off and on for the last decade, about studying to be a therapist/counsellor for this sort of thing, but it's not even a possibility until the kids are older and I have time/finances to devote. I also read a good tip today, lol, not to make any sort of major decision if you think you're in a 'mania' phase. As DH can attest I'm definitely impulsive and start things I don't finish.

Oh, this would explain soooooooo much.......and also why I've always been restless and never felt like I was 'content'. Even when I got everything I ever wanted (husband, kids, nice house, stable finances, excellent future) I still feel like I'm 'chasing' something more. It is so good to find an explanation!!

A big complaint I have is yes, how hard it is to GET help. People think (and those depression med commercials say) 'get help and you'll be fine'. Yeah right. They haven't been in the ER when you're desperate, have been depressed and crippled by it (seriously at my worse I was spending days sitting under the dining room table!), and then you drag yourself to the ER only to be told you're not serious enough to be admitted. Nothing like having to beg them to help you. The hardest thing in the world is to be your own healthcare advocate when you feel worthless and like off-ing yourself anyways, and have to deal with moron doctors saying you're not nutty enough to help. Yeaaaaah.

Oh, and then there was that useless counsellor at the university health care center when I had my first major depressive episode who said I just was in the wrong major and needed to fill out a career interest survey. Seriously!!

I suddenly feel this urge to look up how to become a therapist, LMAO, but I'm afraid it's probably my disorder talking, lol. Thank goodness I've never been one to abuse drugs or alcohol.

[Tiggerian]

Oh lace, I'm so sorry your going through all this and I agree, praying for peace really doesn't help much when everything inside you is pure chaos. It's not exactly a choice and I doubt very much religion, however much you believe, will help curb something like this.

It does seem odd that your symptoms are suddenly fluctuating so much. Have you managed to get hold of a doctor yet? Are you any better today?

[Rainbow baby]

Ah ladies, I can join in here I am crazy too ;p
I have anxiety, On valium at the moment but it does nothing so I don't bother taking it. I constantly think I have a life threatening illness, the world is going to end and everybody is out to hurt my babies. I get stupid thoughts. I base my life around routine and don't watch the news and anything over pg rated tv to keep the demons away so to say. I have no friends .I am serious here to... I am related to the people I spend my time with and I chose to be like this because everything else is weird to me. The way others live and think, nasty and rude and down right crazy really. I have panic attacks and feel anxious just about most days really. Nobody cares, or asks how you are and really it is hard getting trough each day with mental illness. I think we should be rewarded each day for just getting out of bed! You know what though I think my anxiety has made me a better mum, yep totally on my toes 24/7. Nobody gets hurt here. They don't get the chance I am on them like a hawk. They have the best restraints for the car you can buy and we are poor ass. I plan my trips around peak hours and won't drive in the dark. I am never late to pick them up from school never, I leave so I get there 15 mins early and freak when I am running 5 late. Such a control freak here!
I am so glad there are others like me!! It is very calming!