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  1. #21
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    Sat, Dec 15.....

    TL; DR - long manic ramblings below, warning you all now! Please don't feel obligated to read. It's some pretty crazy shit.

    I really should start a blog, but I don't really have the concentration right now or wherewithal to figure it out. So I hope y'all will forgive me for journalling a bit on this thread.

    Went to bed early last night, feeling very dizzy, nauseous, and headache-y from the Zoloft withdrawal. Didn't sleep, just surfed the net, went to sleep around 10pm so that was ok. Slept ok, vivid crazy dreams.

    I'm usually depressed terribly first thing in the morning, this morning I'm definitely in what's called a 'mixed state'. Depressed AND manic. OH JOY! Pressured speech, million thoughts and worries flying and spinning in my mind, nervous energy in every pore. Twitchy in an ADD sort of way. I feel high but without the euphoria. Like, the 50 cups of coffee feeling but I haven't had any coffee at all. I feel like all my skin is vibrating and yet I feel depressed at the same time, and my speech is getting that horrid pressured rapid thing going on.

    I want to work out to burn it off but at the same time feel unmotivated to start. Plus I have to go to my kid's dance recital and have a birthday party for DS3 later this afternoon. Thank goodness it's only for my family and they know what's going on so I don't have to pretend to be normal. I'm so frustrated and tired I want to scream right now.

    I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes are so sad right now. This sucks!!!! The real me is so pissed off, why now?!?

    I would love for anyone who's bipolar or had a hypomanic experience to let me know if this is about right for hypomania?

    I will probably segueway into a bit of normalcy by 10-11am, and a few panic attacks, and feeling more normal by afternoon/evening. That's the pattern this past week anyways.

    This stuff is just so weird. I don't get how my main obsession is centered around contamination and disease. How can my brain be so obsessed with catching a disease and yet want to die at the same time? Very weird. The justification my whacky crazy brain has given me is the good ol' guilt, so I care less about catching a weird thing then about passing it on to my kids. Oh yay, guilt!

    I'm not hallucinating or deluded from reality (yet) thank God. I'm grateful it's the weekend so DH can be the sane one. I don't understand why it's happening to me now, my life is so good on the outside, I have no stressors or real life worries, so WTF. Why now at Christmas? I love Christmas and I resent the shit out of this rearing up and ruining my favourite time of year.

    I'm so physically restless and tic-y, and twitching physically, and crying all at the same time. But I need to pull it together and pretend to be normal in an hour in public.

    I promise I have control right now and no I won't hurt myself or others, but god the thoughts are THERE and I get why people give into that 'voice' that whispers at you to do terrible, awful things. I won't but it feels like sitting on a powder keg keeping it in. More likely I'll get GERD again or all this pressure will manifest itself again in other ways physical.

    It helps to type it out, and I hope you guys don't mind me documenting here as one of the symptoms of this illness too is that you lose your memory and forget important stuff. I don't have another journal and it's just easier to keep it all here for my own purpose, so even if no one wants to reply that's fine, it's serving a function for my doctor at least.

    I acknowledge that all this mania is probably Zoloft induced but I believe the current thinking is if an SSRI can induce bipolar symptoms, then you were always bipolar in there somewhere, just that things hadn't manifested themselves quite yet. I also see other people on the bipolar forums that have previously been diagnosed as MDD, GAD, OCD before getting their BP diagnosis, and yup that sounds familiar!

    Wow I've rambled. This is pressured speech in typed form. Thanks for reading all my crap if you've made it this far.

    Anyone who's reading this who's never experienced it, please, count your blessings. You have no idea what a HUGE blessing it is to have a healthy mind.

    I would really, really appreciate anyone who can understand where I am (and I'm confused because this whole bipolar thing is new to me), and if they can't post on here that's ok but I'd love a PM or two if you've experienced this stuff and don't mind sharing and helping me figure things out.
    Last edited by LacePrincess; December 15th, 2012 at 09:25 AM.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  2. #22
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    Tigger, I am seeing my Doc on Monday. I can't wait! I really hope I don't have to talk to his resident-in-training again, he means well but just doesn't have the experience to know how to walk that fine line between empathy and coming across as patronizing. In my current over-sensitive over-reactionary state I'd probably just snap and lose it on him if I felt patronized at all.

    I do think this weird mania is Zoloft triggered, yeah.....what I don't know is if med induced mania counts as confirmation of bipolar. But looking back at my life I can see, in hindsight, certain bipolar personality tendencies anyways. It makes sense. Trying not to put the cart before the horse, though.


    Rainbow, welcome to my crazythread! And yes it's so nice to find some company in our boat in hell, huh? I can definitely identify with all your feelings, been there, doing that. Paranoia is awful. Sometimes (like today) I feel like I'm just a hop, skip and jump from tin-foil hat status.....
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  3. #23
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    Just a brief update -

    I ended up not going to DS2's dance recital. I'm just too unstable right now to even get dressed and hold it together for an hour.

    I feel terrible. My illness is affecting my kids' lives, and I'm missing what should be a wonderful moment. I asked DH to record it for me so I could watch. Can you believe it, I'm going to be watching my OWN ideal lovely family life on video.

    I feel so guilty but I don't blame myself. I blame this terrible illness. I HATE it. I am determined to beat it. Some might say I'm so selfish for even TTC and passing on my screwy genes, and maybe I am, but it gives me hope and I'll be DAMNED if I quit my life dreams and goals for a stupid mental illness.

    So I stayed home and did my workout, and stomped probably a little too hard around the room, and made a bit of noise. And had some dark thoughts that I told to shut the hell up.

    Party for DS3 later, only my mom and dad so I will probably try to pretend to be normal and laugh and cry, and thank goodness I don't have to pretend in front of them.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  4. #24
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    Ah ladies, thanks for the welcome. Since your all talking about your day I figured I start with mine.
    After a crap sleep waking every one to two hours I got up with the rip roaring pooh's. None of the kids are up dh is in bed there is no reason at all for my foul mood. I am shaky and I realise I must have been dreaming and woke in the mid storm of a panic attack again. I can control them trough the day but not while I am sleeping. I am having stress about the poor kids gunned down 20 of them, I got a glimps of it on facebook. I can't handle this so first thing this mourning I deleted my account. This isn't the first time I have done this :/ but the kids have a week left before holidays and I know they need to be at school and quit frankly I know I will have to fight myself to take them. If I lived any were else in the world they will be home schooled I am telling you that I would be a nervous wreck. Due to our gun laws (Australia) I feel some what safer but if it happened here. They wouldn't be going to school again.I am trying to keep my mind of my lumps in my boob. Dr's appointment soon so I am here blabbing on. lace Princess am lucky I guess, I don't think I have depression and although toping myself off has crossed my mind I never really dwell or think of it. The catching a horrid disease and passing it on to my kids yes, def yes. My kiddies have a weakend immune system. So I am constantly washing everything. walls, doors, windows, door knobs, bed sheets, cloths, them. They keep getting MRSA so I am kind of nuts about it. My son has it again confirmed by the quack again. On antibiotics this time as soon as the fever started he was down getting antibiotics. I have been slack with the bleach baths I am supposed to give him. So I feel guilty now I will just leave it at that for now but I may have to do the exercise thing to try and get some relief I have herd it can help. I have been for a walk but usually I end up sitting in a park hahahah cause I am to lazy! Catch you laters! Hope you are feeling better soon.
    Hoping for a pink rainbow!


  5. #25
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    The one common thing I see with this thread is anyone with any anxiety issues have boys!!! Will anyone with any of these issues ever have a DD!!!!
    Last edited by pebmcpd7; December 15th, 2012 at 05:15 PM.
    14 13 12 9 8 5 2
    !!MY MAGNIFICENT SEVEN!!



  6. #26
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    Oh peb, I sure hope so. But I'm honestly just hoping for a healthy bub regardless of gender.

    I feel better again now that it's evening. I fear tomorrow morning though. I had a lovely hour this afternoon of feeling almost tipsy drunk, lol. Gotta love that med induced hypomania!

    Rainbow, much hugs. I'm so sorry that some of your germ fears are 'real', that must be even tougher when you can't say it's just all imaginary. Personally I've avoided reading the news today, I'm just not in a place to handle anymore triggers. I'm glad for you that you haven't had to go through depression. I haven't had many panic attacks, it's not one of my main symptoms, and I'm glad for that! Although I have been having them a bit lately.

    My workout felt great but unfortunately the adrenaline can be triggering for my anxiety too. That's what's so frustrating about being on the bipolar spectrum.....you treat the depression, and it kicks you into anxiety. Anything sedating can trigger depression. Yeesh! I told DH it's like trying to find the middle on a teeter totter. Very hard! A silent whirlwind inside that no one can see but sometimes it's so hard to see around yourself.

    Thank goodness for my kids. Whenever it feels like the stuff in my head will take over reality, one little wet kiss brings me back. They're such a blessing for sure.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  7. #27
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    peb, I also wonder the same thing, to give us hope I know a lady with 3 girls and one boy that suffers depression. My mother suffers with anxiety and nervs and crazy fears to although she will never admit it I am 90% sure she had some minor anxiety problems and had had panic attacks in front of me ..3 girls and one boy also lol. It does seem like their are a lot of us with mental problems and were all boy mum's and to be fair gd is a type of depression in itself and that's how most find there way to these sites, so it is more probable that we all have other issues as well. I think we have just as much chance as the next.
    Lp, thanks for the hugs I needed them ;p you are so right one little wet kiss and everything seems to feel so much better for a few seconds anyway, there saliva must have super calming powers lol. We should bottle it!
    Hoping for a pink rainbow!


  8. #28
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    Rainbow, I wish we could bottle the smell in the crook of their warm necks. Now that is instant love and calm right there!


    Sun, Dec 16...

    This morning, more of the same. Can't even have a restful sleep, dreamt vivid dreams featuring the stuff I'm most paranoid about. Woke up with rapid heartbeat and anxiety attack feelings. Great. Racing, flitting, thoughts and worries. Why can't I be lucky enough to get the euphoria? But nooooo.......I have to be stuck with depression and anxiety and paranoia, all the cruddy crap with none of the good highs. Blah.

    Going to make a list mostly for my own records, of stuff I've observed in my life that could possibly confirm what I suspect is my proper diagnosis. I realize my current state is impossible to separate from the influence of the med, so I need to look back at patterns going back farther. This list doesn't include stuff that's already been diagnosed (like my OCD patterns)

    -perfectionist OCD tendencies from childhood, ie. straightening books on a shelf, discomfort with imperfection or flaws, ironically childhood hoarding tendencies which thankfully don't happen now

    -mental checking/counting compulsions

    -lack of impulse control and overambition. As anyone will tell you, if I get my mind set on wanting something, I want it NOW. And I don't want to wait to get there over the long term, I want to buy the XYZ right NOW and if it's something job related I want to do it right away and get promoted right away, etc. I've also done some weird not-nice things to shortcut getting things like job promotions, unethical stuff that are really uncharacteristic of me.

    Other weird job related stuff started on impulse include joining the Reserves with this notion of becoming a Naval officer and sailing around the world, even though I've never sailed on anything in my life and don't at all dream of being on the ocean. WTF! Overambition includes starting up running for losing weight (good!) and trying to train for a marathon the first year of running with notions of doing ultramarathons the year after. Yeeeeeahhhhhh, one stress fracture later, not so good. It's like there's no 'middle ground' in me.

    -similar, recurring instances of overspending. It usually feels like I'm trying to buy happiness in a time when I'm feeling unsettled and anxious with no good cause to fix. So yeah, I've tried to shop my way out of misery before. Not disastrously, but I've booked us on vacations on a whim, bought jewellery online, that sort of thing. In fact recently bought a crazy amount of gaming stuff but since it's Christmas that became the excuse.

    -ADD tendencies. Never diagnosed, but I'm so ADD about my hobbies and interests. When I'm interested in something, I will obsessively be interested. I will buy every book by a particular author and read them back to back to back. Or watch every movie in a series repeatedly. Or stay up all night to knit/sew a particular project. I have difficulty finishing things if I lose interest, terrible about going back to finish things if my attention has moved on to something else. I've bought craft kits never started many times. Definite hoarding tendencies with information, trying to download every knitting pattern on a website for instance.

    This behaviour hasn't really been a real life problem as I tend to just cycle from hobby to hobby.....do something intensely, burn out, move on to something else, etc.

    -list making, as you can see, lol. If it's not a physical list, it'll be a mental one.

    -sensory sensitivities. Certain sounds make my skin crawl, and little repetitive noises seem to bother me a lot more than other people. Touch adverse - I don't like hugging, being touched, and have felt like physically recoiling from DH hugging or touching me which is so terrible. I don't mind my kids' touches at all at least. Certain odd tics like rubbing satin blanket edging or (ok this sounds funny) wiggling my hips in bed. Weird, huh? LOL

    -intense urge to run away from my life. This is an odd one that has definitely recurred since I was young. I've had a mundane, perfectly normal, upper middle class upbringing. Good schooling. Excelled at everything I've set my mind too. Good husband, family, kids, house, finances, everyone is healthy. All parents still alive and in good health. In other words, there is NOTHING real life to be traumatized or stressed over. And yet, every few years, there's an intense urge to flee! Don't know where, and don't have a goal or destination, I just want to RUN AWAY. It's like I can never be content no matter how good I have it. I don't want this at all, I'm not at ALL complaining about my life, I know I'm so blessed and I SHOULD be so content and happy.

    So how come I can never feel ok with being content? It's like there's something primal that's constantly searching to find the bad, something that's always turned 'on' into crisis mode and when there's no crisis is constantly looking for one to latch onto. ARRRRGH.

    DH's career has afforded a bit of that, with the deployments and separations and stuff. I complain, but in a way those 'real life' stressors has probably, ironically, saved my mind from turning inwards and imploding earlier. So, strangely enough, the normalcy I looked forward to during the deployment is here, and I'm more miserable then ever.

    -tendencies towards intense irritability or rage. Definitely experienced that recently but that could be med induced. Always been prone to incredible moments of intense, white hot rage, that's unreasonable in the circumstance. I used to think they were hormone/PMS but being so irritable and touchy all the time doesn't seem right.

    -extremely sensitive emotionally and people pleaser. Very easily hurt, especially as a child. Took everything personally (ugh), very thin skin. Even now I do that though I've got a much better sense of self so usually I can talk myself out of it, though my kneejerk reaction is still to take everything too personally. Even on the internet, it's terrible!
    Last edited by LacePrincess; December 16th, 2012 at 08:12 AM.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  9. #29
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    Update for this afternoon/evening:

    Mostly hyper/ADD/anxious today. A few mild panic attacks. Got a workout done this morning feeling pretty hyper and frantic but it was good to have an outlet for all that excess energy.

    Rest of today was pretty much more hyper/ADD'ness, couldn't concentrate on anything at all for any period of time. Definitely got that crawling out of my skin feeling. Feel a little disconnected from reality this afternoon. Watched 'A Beautiful Mind' on tv, which was an appropriate movie for my mood, lol.

    Fleeting bits of giddiness comes and goes, interspersed with panic/anxiety attacks over worries and neurosis that cycle constantly. Thankfully can't concentrate enough to obsess over any one thing. A lot of physical restlessness, pacing, twitching, sometimes humming to myself. Glad I don't have to be in public or I'm sure I'd look like a loon! I can feel my heart beating through my chest and a shortness of breath off and on all afternoon.

    Worried about getting to my doc appt tomorrow because the weather sucks and we're getting freezing rain all night. But I have to, the hope of getting to my appt is the only thing keeping me hanging on without losing it right now.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

  10. #30
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    Well I just read the other thread and found the link here, thanks LacePrincess!

    I had a HORRIBLE weekend! Especially last night. The only trigger I could have had was the CT shooting. As Im sure it has set everyone off. But I believe those with anxiety and depression issues take things like this ALOT differently. Im having issues going ANYWHERE without panicking. I couldn't sleep last night ended up taking a half of a klonopin. Then rubbed SOs back raw putting myself to sleep. He seems to make out good when I have a panic attack as I found anything to do with sensory can be somewhat relieving. So he gets back rubs and leg rubs ect...

    Im going to have to post a lil background I guess....
    Been struggling with depression for almost 10 yrs, been on and off meds. Turned into severe anxiety with HORRIBLE severe panic attacks starting last Aug. Tried ( I think) 7 meds and been in ER about 8 times in the past yr and 4 months. Paxil used to work for me, took it after ds #2 but decided to go off it and did great for a while. Then went back on 7 months after ds #4 for a few months then back off. Paxil was last med they tried again this time and it made me more depressed. Prozac completely screwed me up, wellbutrin I ended up having some bad reaction. Geez right now I cant even remember the names of the rest of them. I used to take Ativan for panic attacks but that stopped working so now the one and only thing I take is klonopin on as needed bases. Which has been basically anytime I leave the house! I feel like Im leaving my comfort zone. I was taken outta work the end of Aug (this yr) for not working ENOUGH hours! So I have been home since then and staying home more and more every week so now Im home literally 7 days a week unless SO drags me out. So I have a job interview tomorrow morning for a fulltime job I want more then ANYTHING! All I can think about is how Im gonna screw it up! N ill have to take a pill before I leave to go or Ill end up freaking out before I even get there.
    TTC is such a struggle for me cuz Im scared to death to be pregnant but at the same time I LOVE being pregnant. I just wish I lived in the yard of a hospital Id feel much safer. I usually end up making 100s of visits to the L&D while pregnant cuz Im so anxious. I hope this is making since lol Im kind of running one thing into another, but that's usually how my mind works. Even tho I have learned things to calm myself from some attacks they don't always work. I can get a headache and literally think Im dying from a brain tumor! Slightest pain anywhere in my chest and its a heart attack. N then I get told by my dr that Im fine im healthy my odds are slim, blah blah blah, but how will I tell if something really is real???? No one can answer that one, or atleast give me an answer I wanna hear. Well this is the only time I have ever shared this much of my problem cept to my dr. I don't bother SO cuz he doesn't understand. Hes not mean he can tell when Im having a panic attack even if I don't tell him. He'll talk me down (or try) from one if he knows. I will actually only tell him about them if they get really bad.
    Guess I shoulda put a warning above that this would be long, sorry....
    Merry Christmas !!
    Katrina 33 Aaron 30 Mine 16,10,7 & 5 His 9 & 7
    TTC OURS #5
    Cycle # 6 Stalk my chart

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