I'm a crazypants!

[LacePrincess]

Mon, Dec 17
*********

Jotting down my thoughts before they bleed out of my brain.

Awful night. Usually I can find some solace in sleeping but O.M.G. My brain was spinning, spinning, even while asleep. Whirlwind of thoughts going everywhere and nowhere, like I wasn't even fully asleep. Or rather, my body was and mind never turned off.

The few times I woke up to go to the bathroom my mind was already turned on to FULL SPEED AHEAD when I woke up, going, going, going, going, going. AACCCGHHHHHHH!!!!

This morning, depressed as usual, but feel so much NOT rested since my mind never turned off. Had a weird scary fear that maybe what I cling to that gives me strength - my happy family and kids - what if they're an illusion? Now I don't really believe that, but the thought was there in passing. Questioning reality I mean. And holy sh!t that scares me. It's probably more med induced crap but it's also a taste of intense paranoia and psychosis.

I wish I could just stop the medication but you can't just cold turkey or the ramifications could be deadly. So I can't.

Now I'm a big bundle of hyper energy but depressed and unmotivated at the same time. GOD. I feel like a prisoner of my mind and body. I hate this. I want to bash my brains in just to get my mind to SHUT THE F&CK UP. I'm so exhausted. I can't handle anything more than the mundanely routine, thank goodness for little things that keep me grounded. Suddenly making the bed hasn't ever seemed so calming. I found myself counting the grooves in the door when I was on the toilet this morning just to keep my noggin from flying off into an ocean of crazyness.

I feel screwed up enough to check myself into the hospital, except, ironically, my outright terror of hospitals and germs wouldn't let me, lol. The urge to self harm is like an itch that I cannot let myself scratch (note that I've never ever ever self injured before. Ever. I don't understand where it's coming from.)

But yeah, I think it's clear now why therapists of the 'find a hobby' and 'have you tried exercise' and 'your life is so good, try to appreciate it' types are so USELESS. Yes I KNOW ALL THAT. I have done it all, don't you think I'm trying???? I go through all the motions, I smile and try to 'fake it till I make it', and the disease eats you up from the inside and takes over your brain. I suppose it's very much like dementia or ALS - no matter how much you want willpower and lifestyle to change the illness, it just doesn't work. Period.

A few more symptoms in the past year (pre re-starting Zoloft), just writing it down for my records:

-major issues with very short fuse, no patience, extreme rage and overreaction to the littlest things. No patience with the kids. Blamed it on the stress of the deployment but the pure blinding rage was extreme and frightening.

-extremely irritable over little things. Blamed it on hormones and PMS but waking up your husband at 2am and screaming at him for putting one grocery item away is crazy territory!

-out of control impulse obsessions. I had cats that were having accidents and at 2am had the urge to search my house with a black light to find more pee-ed on spots. Seriously, that's not normal, right? To NEED to get up in the middle of the night and couldn't wait?

-Slowly increasing paranoia. Mostly around contamination stuff, which is my OCD, but then around things like strangers breaking into my house in order to contaminate it. And I've never had paranoia before this year.

[LacePrincess]

momofboys, thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you felt safe to do so here!!

I've avoided the news for the past few days, I'm just not able to handle it......I'm also pretty much staying off GD stuff for now until I get my head sorted out.....I just can't deal with more than I have to right now, I really hope I'll get out of this mess soon. Only a week before Xmas and I really don't want to be in this mess.

I love being preggo too. Last pregnancy I had some triggers but gosh I loved it in general. And postpartum was just normal BLISS for me, that first year, maybe it was all those happy hormones and the breastfeeding but gosh it was wonderful. Or maybe it was a year long manic high, who knows, LMAO. But it was lovely.

My kids give me meaning and a reason to hold on right now.

I totally get you regarding all the phobias! Yup, with mine it's blood borne pathogens, but similar thinking. Like I'm convinced I've caught something deadly even though it's impossible and I really have much higher odds of winning the lottery, lol. I haven't worried about heart attacks or cancer yet but I probably will sometime in the future, lol. When I'm buried in OCD I spend hours and hours looking up how diseases are spread and I'm convinced I have it and I've contaminated my kids. Or that every visitor to my home has contaminated it somehow. It's horrible.

I get why people turn to alcohol to numb things, I really do. So tempting. Haven't done it, never will, but it's tempting.

[LacePrincess]

Back from my psych doc appt. Gosh I am so blessed to have such a great therapist in my life!

Okay so he's mystified why I had this reaction on such a low dose of Zoloft when I've tolerated it well and used it for extended periods before. You gotta love when the expert says "I'm so confused", eh? LOL Yeah, well, so am I!

Anyways, he doesn't want to try other meds or anything while I'm TTC. Too risky since a lot of them are contraindicated for pregnancy and also because there's no way of knowing if some of them might not agree with me in a very bad way. So better the devil you know I guess.

We agreed that I will stay on the 25mg of Zoloft because it does seem to take the edge off my anxiety. However, if the scary symptoms of thoughts of self harm, panic attacks, etc., persist then he wants me to just drop it entirely. No benzos as I'm afraid of getting 'hooked' on them (I have an addictive personality and I just don't want to be tempted) and they're risky if pregnant anyways. So the plan is to get preggo and hope to make it through the first tri, and re-evaluate from there. He didn't rule out bipolar, something to keep in mind for the future, but he said it's possible.

Good thing I was pretty ready to drop most sway things anyways, so fx this is my month! Oddly enough I'm starting to get a fade-in on my OPK tonight which is early, as it's only CD10.

[Dreamofpink]

Lace, Tiggerian and Momofboys I want to send you each the biggest of hugs.

I've been following this thread since you started it Lace and I find myself wondering how you are during the day when I'm not online. It's made me realise just how very lucky I am to never have experienced any mental health problems. I just feel so much for you and really hope that you can get through this quickly. I'm glad that your counsellor's good, just know that I'm here rooting for you hoping that you get to enjoy Christmas with your precious boys. x x x

[LacePrincess]

Dream, thank you so much for your supporting words. MI (mental illness) is such a nasty word and I can't speak for others, but despite all the acceptance in society (and it's much better now than 50 years ago!!!!) it's still a shameful secret for many. It's so unfortunate - no one would choose this if they had a choice!

Depression, ADD, and even OCD are more 'acceptable' now, but there are still diagnosis that carries huge stigma like schizophrenia or bipolar. Too many cliches, too much misunderstanding in pop culture. I came across a terrific article yesterday about how misusing MI terms can be really hurtful:

BBC News - OCD, bipolar, schizophrenic and the misuse of mental health terms

I just want to tell people who don't have a MI or have a loved one with a MI that it's perfectly OKAY if you don't understand or really get it. It's enough that you see us as people wrestling with a chronic illness like any other. I know of no other involuntary non-self afflicted illness that gets as wrongly mocked or trivialized as MI. People just don't tell an asthmatic to 'suck it up and stop wheezing' or someone having an epileptic seizure to stop drawing attention to themselves in public. And no one stops seeing someone with, say, lupus, as no longer being a person anymore and not worthy of respect like any other. You'd be surprised how many of us fear getting help because of the terror of being talked down to, trivialized, patronized, and essentially treated as if the MI symptoms were a character flaw/weakness - and this is by the professionals we go to for help! No wonder so many never seek treatment.

So yes, it's FINE not to understand. We don't need you (general you) to understand, we just appreciate still being respected as a person and that we're not automatically 'that crazy freak'. I also get that people want to help, but most of us suffering (unless we're very young and very new to the diagnosis) know everything there is to know. Heck, some of us know MORE than our docs about side effects of a particular medication! Which is why when I'm having a hard time I HATE HATE HATE that stupid Cymbalta depression commercial. "Did you know that depression hurts?" (insert image of woman staring out gloomy rainy window) "Did you know that you don't have to suffer?" That commercial makes me want to break my tv sometimes.

So bottom line is, sometimes all we need to hear is that we're not alone, that when we're suffering we haven't suddenly become worthless and invisible. The most helpful words I hear is 'hang in there, you'll make it, it sucks but you'll get through it and we're not going anywhere'. Obviously that's from the POV of a family member.

Anyways, enough rambling, lol. This morning's update:

Slept better, no freaky panic attacks. Yeah! Still have a terrible headache and bruxism though. I'm trying not to grind my teeth and ruin them. Depression was very bad this morning, which sucks. Every morning I want to stay in bed, keep the kids home from school, and so far I've managed to talk myself out of it. Force of will, that! OCD panic/ruminating, trying to distract myself out of the looping thoughts by singing stupid songs in my head. Physical tics still, squirmy RLS in my legs so I keep stretching and twisting my feet to try to get rid of it, and feel an urge to twitch my head sharply once in awhile, almost like trying to turn off the annoying constant thoughts in my head. :P

Doc mentioned my blood pressure was up (very weird since my bp is usually borderline low) and it seems to be a Zoloft side effect. Along with the headaches. I hope it goes away or I'll have to drop it completely if it doesn't and be back to square 1 with the OCD. Obsessively reading MI forums, and I know it's obsessive but it's at least less destructive than fussing about germs and pathogens.

[LacePrincess]

Oops, forgot a few things (no surprise with brain flying off into a million directions):

One is that I very much meant what I said to my pdoc (psychiatric doc) yesterday: "I love my life, I just want to enjoy it!" That pretty much sums it up.

Two, is that I realize that my own struggles have made me a lot less judgemental. It's so easy, I think, to look at the perpetrators of that horrible school shooting, and that mom that drowned her 3 kids in Quebec a few weeks ago, and that Batman theater shooting, the really frightening one on the bus in Winnipeg (paranoid schizophrenic decapitated a total stranger just out of the blue).....so easy to just villify them and say that they're evil people deserving to die. Hang the spawns of Satan!

Except, it's really not that simple, is it? I do like the saying that having a MI (hallucinatory/delusional or not) is not a character flaw. However, it also doesn't excuse anything you do. So no, you cannot blame your illness for making you do bad, bad things, nor is it an excuse. But if you really think about it, it makes it really hard to stick people into good/bad handy little boxes, doesn't it? It makes people really think in shades of grey, and that's difficult. It's easier to villify and condemn.

All I can feel is a terrible, terrible sadness for everyone involved. For the families of the victims of course, but also for the tortured souls who conducted the acts, and *their* families. Most of the time it's just tragic for all involved, and I think my heart breaks the most for what could have been, the lost opportunities for the perp to have gotten intervention, help, what could have been prevented.

So yeah, I guess I feel a calling to speak about this stuff, to try to raise awareness, to at least try in some small way to reduce the stigma. Because by making it less of a dirty secret we can prevent future tragedies. We really must change the mentality that the mentally ill deserve to be locked up, to be forcibly sterilized or denied being able to reproduce, to be labelled and denied jobs and given opportunities. And it DOES happen even if most of us want to think it doesn't, or else there wouldn't be such a high correlation between the homeless and serious MI. (And yes, a lack of good resources to help people is obviously a factor). All of this makes some people feel safer, away from the crazies, but it also means anyone suffering feels downtrodden and hopeless, and THAT leads to people doing crazy shit out of desperation or retaliation against being wronged by society.

I'm probably suffering from my own delusions of grandeur right now, lol. But I think it's notable that even in my case, where I have been so lucky to have family that isn't in denial and doesn't shame me for my weirdness, and where I've been so lucky to find respectful and helpful doctors, that I was still afraid to tell my pdoc that we were TTC. Because I still feared that he'd judge me for passing on my faulty genes, that I was being selfish in doing so. I was terrified that he'd tell me to delay TTC until I sorted out my crazy head. And I KNOW better, and he never ever ever implied this, and yet it still niggles at me.

[LacePrincess]

Tues, Dec 19 -

Cruddy mcCrud.

Had a whacky-doo evening, jittery and shakey, like being on a pot of coffee with Parkinson's tremors. Ridiculous.

Then last night went to bed early as I've been doing, and couldn't sleep. Wide awake until almost midnight (went to bed at 9pm). Oh no...... (sleep disturbances are always a bad sign). Lots of awakenings last night too.

This morning I feel awful. Like, the worst sort of grief plus a bad panic attack. Spinning thoughts as usual but the feelings are so intense even my crazy mind can't justify it with any obsession. Of course I have nothing to be upset or sad over so I just *feel* awful, and physically I feel like crap - heavy chest, elevated heartrate, nausea.

Zoloft is getting dumped today and I'm calling my psych today and hoping he can phone in an emergency benzo or something. I don't DO benzos but right now it's urgent. Frankly I'm just plain scared, all of this is clearly a med reaction and it's out of my control. I don't seem to be losing my sanity/lucidity at least but if it all gets internalized instead I'm surely gonna end up with another gall bladder attack or something physical.

[Momofboys]

I get why people turn to alcohol to numb things, I really do. So tempting. Haven't done it, never will, but it's tempting.

Ive tried this and it doesn't help much... I find it can give me MORE anxiety the following day or I have ended up having a panic attack WHILE drinking and its horrible as I can not take a klonopin while Im drinking. It has worked in a since that it CAN make things go away to relax but there back the next day so whats the since? It basically a waste. So if I do drink its just social drinking and usually just with SO or a few friends. If Im having a stressful day tho Ill refuse to drink with them and just DD if they wanna go anywhere, which tends to be more fun watching them act like idiots!

So Im getting SO frustrated with ttc. THe 2 things that are gonna keep me going are that I very badly want another baby, and I recently purchased a 90 day VIP with FF and don't wanna waste the money. SO ill atleast be ttc for 3 more cycles. Im pissed off cuz Im cd 19 today and still no +opk and no temp shift. Every opk I take I stare at for like 10 mins and when it doesn't turn + I fall apart. So now Im depressed ontop of anxious The stress does not help my situation at all. I found myself taking a klonopin yesterday before I went to interview and actually still almost walked out because it was in a tiny azz room with me n 2 interviewers. Then I had to go back 4.5 hrs later for a dinner visit and had to take a half a klonopin to leave the house again. I TRY TRY TRY to get my mind on other things but if I don't catch it ahead of time then it falls apart.

My dr says that to me, that "I'm confused" I hate that, I tell him I just want to be normal again and that's his answer, that or he doesn't know what normal is. Ok your the dr not me, you tell me what normal is!

I had one of my chest pain attacks Monday night took me forever to fall asleep I was scared I was gonna wake up. Then my EXh decided to be a prick (sry) and stir my mind up over 12/21! He knows what I go through when it comes to things like that, I think ok I KNOW he does the crap on purpose to set me off. Hes still stuck in the if-I-cant-have-you-no one-should he has issues, and hes a lot of my problem but its IMPOSSIBLE to stay away from him cuz of the boys! Ugh, a lifetime of this???? Idk how much longer I can take!!!!

[Tiggerian]

I get a lot of what your saying - I used to feel the same.

The blind rage, no patience, complete and utter despair and despite all of that I genuinely loved my life! I just didn't enjoy it or anyone in it.

And I get the not being so judgemental too. When ever I hear a sad story about a parent who killed their child, yes i get angry, but at the same time I feel "Christ.. they must've felt and hurt so bad to be driven to something like that". There's no excuse for their crimes, but there is.. I don't know the right word.. there is a kind of nod of understanding towards the feeling they must've had and how utterly alone they must've felt.

I get the hallucination thing too - I did that. I genuinely believed I saw my dead daughter. First nightmares, but then in real life. I would hear her calling "mama" over my baby monitor. I would hear her cry. I would hear foot steps upstairs. My OH could sit right next to the monitor and I could hear crying and "mama" clear as a bell - but OH never heard a thing. I felt like I was going madder than the mad hatter! Hallucinations are horrific because as you experience them - they ARE real. You SEE it, you FEEL it. Every thing about it is as real as reality... I stood staring into my daughters FACE despite KNOWING she was dead! I heard her calling me, despite knowing she never talked (as she died in utero). Hallucinations are cruel... If there is a devil out there, than this would be his doing without a doubt!

I can sleep very badly too.. I had my first nightmare in 18 months the other night. But it was different and I'm not sure how to view it... See, in the past my dreams were always simillar in story line. I'd have a little girl - sometimes I'd be pregnant with her, other times she'd be born. She could be different ages - think the highest I've gotten to was 5 years. But no matter how well I cared for her, no matter how much I loved her, protected her or was assured by the doctors she was OK - she would die. Sometimes peacefully, mostly not.

But this time I dreamt I was pregnant and went for a scan - there on the scan was two babies. Both girls. This has never happened before - and were they told me that one baby girl was sick (same heart defect as DD) and would die, the other would live. By the end of my dream it turned into a flash back of my DDs birth - it usually did this when I dreamt of pregnancy. Same room, same scenario.. Begging God, the doctor, the midwife, anyone, to please not take my baby.. Baby still died, but the other one lived.

No baby has ever survived my dream before. I don't know how to view it. It was a nightmare as horrific as the others and woke me up with tears ********* down my cheeks, but there was a different sense there too. Hope, maybe? I don't know..

[LacePrincess]

I've never been one that can hold her booze anyways, so it's not much of a temptation, lol. I don't get a buzz - I either get a headache or nothing at all. Or it puts me to sleep. Aside from a cold beer on a hot summer's day once in awhile or a nice glass of red with a steak, it doesn't do anything for me. So that's probably good!

My vices are more spend money to feel better anyways. Not smart either but not as physically damaging at least.

I get you on the ttc frustration.....and for us anxious types it's hard since of course you can delay your own O by stressing over it too, so ironic. I hope you get your +OPK soon!

Well turned out the nausea and hurling this morning was a lovely bug and not Zoloft withdrawal (not unless it's contagious as hubby was puking all afternoon too!) so there's that. I guess I'll keep riding out the stupid 25mg then and see but I hope my manic symptoms don't increase.