I'm a crazypants!

[LacePrincess]

I thought I'd start a new thread regarding struggling with anxiety, depression, bipolar, or any other mental disorder. The subject line isn't meant to be insulting - I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about this whole thing, it's the only thing that keeps my head afloat sometimes.

As I've posted on other threads, I've been struggling with sliding back into my anxiety issues the last few months. I do think it was, in part, triggered by the LE diet (too many simple sugars and crashing blood sugars) but I don't think it's entirely to blame. It's just one factor.

A brief history: I have been officially diagnosed with GAD and MDD since I was 22 when I had to be hospitalized for a major depressive episode. It was my third major depression at that point since I was 19 or so. My anxiety issues goes back into childhood, and I'm definitely OCD as well. I had no idea that my thought patterns weren't normal until I was officially diagnosed, it's all I knew so I have no experience with anything different. My psych believes my OCD/anxiety probably started very early on at the age of around 7. I also believe strongly that my OCD/anxiety were triggered by strep infection.

I wasn't depressive until after high school. After being diagnosed I tried many meds, everything from the benzos (Xanax) to pretty much every SSRI out there. Paxil clicked for me the best so I went on Paxil for a couple of years.

DH and I decided to start TTC at the age of 24. I decided to get off Paxil as it is contraindicated in pregnancy. That was, HELL. They say it's harder to get off Paxil than heroin, and yeah, I can believe that. I had insomnia, night terrors, hallucinations, brain zaps, for months. Gaaaaaaaah.

The first pregnancy was ok until the third tri, and I started to get depressive and very fast. I got onto Zoloft but it was too late to stop the slide. I had horrific PPD after the birth, so bad that I pretty much lost the first two months of DS1's life to it.

DS2 and DS3 I went on Zoloft prophylactically in the third tri and I was fine. Bf'ed both for years and was as normal as I've ever been.

And now, I'm starting to lose it again, and have been since starting to sway. I restarted Zoloft a few months ago, but it's doing some really weird shit to my brain. My OCD compulsions have reduced somewhat, but I was SO NOT DEPRESSED when I saw my psych last month (Nov 15) and he restarted me on a higher dose of Zoloft at 50mg. It's been a month and I'm getting some seriously WTF things going on in the past week or two.

REALLY wtf things. Like horrid intrusive thoughts, crushing depression, and worse of all I'm cycling. I don't know if anyone has heard of this, but cycling refers to your moods going up and down and up and down. From mania to depression and back. And it's rapid cycling too, I can feel it change constantly over the course of the day. I also believe I'm experiencing what they call a 'mixed state', when you're simultaneously depressed and a little manic at the same time.

This is very weird as I'm not bipolar (at least I don't think so) and my research tells me that overwhelming anxiety and intrusive thoughts is a form of mania. I also get weird moments of brief relief and euphoria, only to feel the depression return within hours. And oh joy, panic attacks. None of this is something that I've experienced before so I'm pretty sure it's med induced.

Ack, so yeah, I kinda just wanted to rant a bit I guess, lol. And to see if anyone else has gone through this stuff before, misery loves company and all. I'm just really ticked off that this is happening around Christmas.

So, anyone else a crazypants out there?

[atomic sagebrush]

I"m sorry! I hope things are better soon. I know that many people deal with these issues in silence and you're very courageous to be so open about it. (((hugs)))

[nuthinbutpink]

I too am glad you can talk about it. The holidays are stressful for me.

Have you backed off the LE diet and started taking a healthier approach?

[Tiggerian]

Yeah, I can join that club!

I had a really rough childhood and subsequently suffered a lot with anxiety, depressions and insecurities. When I was 16 I lost my DD and it just all went to hell then!

For about 5 years I didn't sleep and when I did I had nightmares and cried a lot. Went through life as a zombie and my doctor rejected any notions of getting me some form of help! My parents and Doctor had agreed that when my DD died I was so young, could have more kids, no need to bring more attention to what was essentially 'just a clump of diseased cells' and hence no help for me. She's young, she'll bounce back. Except, I didn't. A lifetime of emotional neglect from my parents doesn't exactly give you the best foundation for 'bouncing back'.

As you can imagine I don't have the best relationship with my parents today. In fact, I don't have one full stop!

After DS1 was born I slipped into deep, dark PPD. It was so bad I nearly gave up and put DS1 in foster care. My OH finally stepped in (keep in mind how young we were - 20 and 22 at the time) after the decline suddenly happened very rapidly. The Doctor still refused me help as he didn't want to "stigmatise" me or give me "an excuse" not to work. So my OH moved me to England (where he's from and where we live now), where I immediately got the help I needed. I got weekly therapy sessions and medication and within months I was back to being myself again. In fact, better than myself - I felt happy for the first time I could remember. I remember saying to my OH that I never knew 'this person' was inside of me all along. The sadness, bleakness and despair of my life had just become so ingrained that I thought 'well, thats just who I am.." - I didn't know pain didn't have to be part of your life and that it wasn't normal!


But during my PPD I wasn't a very good mum... I just couldn't cope. I was afraid to touch him in case he got hurt. Whenever he got sick I would distance myself thinking "thats it, I've lost another one". I just couldn't let go of my fear of him dying like my DD. I didn't bond with him very well - I loved him to bits, but I was too afraid to get attached.

I lost the first 6 months of DS1 life. I can hardly remember them. All I remember is this cloud - me sitting looking at my screaming son, KNOWING i had to pick him up, but couldn't do it. It was horrible and the guilt still follows me. But I keep telling myself I am a good mum - I wasn't, but only because I was very ill.

After getting the help got better very quickly and when DS1 was 18 months I fell pregnant again. When I was 10 weeks pregnant with DS2 I started bleeding - having suffered 1 late miscarriage (DD) and 3 early ones previously while trying to have the boys I immediately panicked. When I got to the hospital the first thing the Doctor did was to threw in remarks that my medication was to blame and if I didn't stop my baby would 'die'. There it was again.. Another baby was gonna die. It threw me straight into depression again. I couldn't bond with him, what was the point? My baby was gonna die anyway... again!

My OH begged the doctor for help - but they wanted to 'see how it went'. I really felt like some sort of medical/social experiment. That my family was an experiment! Here I was, a young mum with a dreadful medical history (in my own opinion), with a young son to care for and NO ONE would help me! My midwife didn't know what she was doing, never asked how I was and constantly bungled my paperwork and tests. ( I have the deepest respect for midwives, I want to traina s one myself - but this one really did NOT know or like her job!).

When DS2 was born I got my medication back and more thorough therapy, and thankfully I have had no depression or symptoms of it for the last year and a half. But I am very nervous of getting pregnant again - I hope I'll be able to avoid it this time (might have to ban the word DIE and DEATH around me).

I do have a major phobia of everything about death. If we talk about death in class my heart starts beating really fast, I can't breath and I get dizzy and nauseas. Think I'll probably always have a fear of dying or people I love dying. But for the most part I'm Ok in my every day life.

[auroara78]

This something I don't like to discuss much, but yeah, I battle anxiety a lot. And it comes and goes in peaks of months. Like I've a few relatively easy months of no strange thought patterns, etc, and a few months where I'm really glum overall and can't seem to lift the mood and of course those months I am more prone to panic attacks, which makes me feel helpless, so the cycle continues.

I have never tried prescription meds for mine. Typically for me being really busy and consumed by something I really enjoy gives me a confidence boost enough that I can face my fears and not feel so paniciky. (my panic attacks / anxiety are usually based on what I *think* people are thinking about me! Most of mine issues are only around social instances. LIke if my library is super packed and the students are being loud and noisy (I work in a tiny career college library, I'm the only librarian) I'll get a tight throat and feelings of dizziness, like I'm going to black out. I have to remind myself that I'm in charge and tell the students to quietly shush. I know my anxiety came from being picked on as a kid--I had a pretty bad speech problem, and I was constantly bullied about it.

I also have a little bit of the "oh it couldn't work for me, or I can't do that" attitude or I used to...I'm really working thru it, and that was one of my fears of doing my sway was that if my sway "failed" it would push me further into that negative train of thoughts.

And speaking of sways.....probably because of all the emotions I had riding on it, I had huge bouts of anxiety the month before the actual sway. I think it was the lowering of the testerotone for me, because the testerontone I might have had made me less sensitive to people, and lowering it, made me feel down in the dumps like I do during PMS. I also had to be very careful on the diet, because cutting out too much stuff made me feel very dizzy and sick, and I couldn't function well without breakfast, so I kept eating breakfast, just not oatmeal.

How this helps It also helped me to realize that even if it's not anxiety etc, we are all struggling with some issue every single day.

[LacePrincess]

Thanks so much, Atomic and NBP. I have to talk somewhere or I'll explode, and I'm not a member of any mental disorders forums right now so I thought I'd just whine here, lol. I've at least done this and been through enough cycles of crap that I can separate *me* from the illness. I realize it's horrid, yet too common, and I don't feel brave or anything talking about it, I just need to whine somewhere!

My mom doesn't get it (she tells me to pray a lot when I'm in brain hell - yeah thanks mom) and I already talked my ear off my MIL.

NBP, I'm still limping along on the LE diet but I've let up a LOT since September. I haven't really thought about how long but I think if I don't get my BFP by the 4th cycle with a good ovulation I'll back off it entirely. I've only just had one really balanced cycle since weaning so I'd like to give it 3 more before pulling off the LE diet more.

I just needed somewhere to talk and get this garbage out of my head, because honestly I'm scaring myself sometimes and the last thing you need in this stuff is to feel alone. So here I am!

It's this weird-o bipolar cycling that's totally got me on my heels. I don't get it, I've never had this before and I also don't like this weird cold rage I've been experiencing. I know that it's got to be med induced but I can't just stop taking it until I see my psych next week. Thank goodness for my family, whenever I feel really lost I look at them and know I can't do anything stupid for their sakes.

Yeah, I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about this sh!t, because if you don't laugh you'll cry, right?

Tigger and Auroara, thanks SO much for sharing your story, I haven't read it yet but I'm off to read your posts now!

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this...especially over Christmas, that does make it worse. I can join the thread, for sure. Although my issues are primarily OCD which stems into depression (from untreated anxiety) and anorexia. I am no longer an active anorexic, I went into recovery six years ago after six years of hospitalization. But I have seen, time and again, during my hospitalizations, people who suffered MDD and forms of bipolar. And it can be so hard once that cycle starts to break it.

I am exactly like you, medication-wise. Paxil is my saving grace...Zoloft does barely anything but take the edge off. My obsessions are still in high amounts, and I am very preoccupied with keeping them nom-food related, since that would have drastic side effects. I concentrate on other obsessions to stave off the dangerous ones. But it does mean my brain is often in overdrive and I can see how, if I were inclined toward mania, that could happen. Your brain is never getting a break.

Thankfully, I did not choose to do the LE diet for any length of time (anorexia based decision, mostly) and I did not have to deal with the effects of that on my brain. But I can remember now depressed I was when I was active in my eating disorder and even a piece of that depression would be too much for me right now.

Personal question: Do you see a counselor (not a psych) on a regular basis? I find that to be sooooo incredibly helpful. In fact, I have been off my meds for the past 15 weeks (17 weeks preggo) and she is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane during these times. I always choose to go off my meds for the first 15-20 weeks of pregnancy to try and prevent any issues in development. I will be going back on this time at 19 weeks (when I see the doc for a script). I know a lot of people are "eh" on counseling. But I have been seeing my counselor for all six of the years I have been out of the hospital (was a discharge order requirement) and she is a godsend.

It's interesting you mention strep throat as a potential trigger for your issues. There have been studies that have linked strep throat and scarlet fever to a high incident of OCD thought patterns and anorexia eating patterns (which are simply an OCD thought pattern turned that particular direction). And I had a bad bout of scarlet fever around 18 months old, my mom had no idea I had strep and it turned into scarlet fever. But I also had some childhood issues that could have swayed my existing OCD in the eating disordered direction. But it's an interesting tie between the two.

Anyway...I am sooo sorry you're dealing with this right now. I know it is hard and exhausting, especially with three little boys to take care on top of it. Its not like you can take the time out you need to clear your head for a minute. I hope you find something to help it calm down. And if it is getting worse, I would abandon most of the LE diet, keeping low blood sugar (condensing meals) and veggie. It could be a total fluke, but of the five ladies having girls in our current DDC, at least three of us were not doing the LE diet (or it was very short lived). I didn't ask two of the others, but they didn't mention having a sway. I'll check though. I found it interesting stats though. Not saying it doesn't work, at all. But, apparently, you can still have a strong sway without starving yourself and making yourself sick.

[LacePrincess]

Omg Tigger, I'm in tears reading your post because I can identify with some of it for sure. You've definitely been through some horrid things I haven't had to (my family was normal and fine, no issues except that my mom has her own issues that she's in total denial about and thus was a little cold and distant to us growing up). I'm so so sorry about the loss of your baby so young, it must've been so traumatic.

I hope your therapist has helped you with what has to be some PTSD issues?

Gosh, what IS it with annoying shrinks not taking younger patients seriously? I've been there. When I was hospitalized I had to pretend to be seriously suicidal to get them not to blow me off as being young and hysterically dramatic (I've never actually been suicidal. I've had thoughts of it and thoughts of self harm but I've always known I could never actually DO it. I'm still terrified of 'snapping' someday and losing it though.)

They say the average age of diagnosis is middle age......not because people don't suffer but probably because so many times doctors will say shit like "you're young, what have you got to be worried about?" Yeah, uhm, when you don't have real life crap to worry about and you're still majorly depressed it's probably a bad sign......

I also know EXACTLY what you mean about staring at your baby and he's crying and you just don't care. Yup, that was me too in PPD. Thank goodness I was staying at my MIL at the time and she took care of DS1. I was so lost that I remember once I was in the shower in my ridiculous 'decontamination' ritual and he was screaming in his bassinet outside the door, and I was so locked into my compulsion that I couldn't stop it to go see to him. And I remember lots of times sitting there and he's screaming and I'm looking at him feeling totally detached. *shiver* On top of that being terrified too that CPS was going to come in and take him away because surely I was a terrible, awful mother. Like you, I know I wasn't but it's really like being zombified.


Auroara, thanks so much for sharing too. It really helps to know I'm not alone in this! It sounds like you suffer from social anxiety, which I haven't had thankfully, but the thought patterns we do to ourselves are all similar. Mine used to be fear of failure (especially in school), financial fears, and now it's contamination/health fears in terms of obsessions. It can be so isolating sometimes. I don't even want to talk to DH and ruin his day. Recently I've struggled with guilt at how I'm losing valuable years to worry, worry, worry, freak out.....

I told my MIL today that I've had this really weird thought the past week or so which is a little scary. Yk how if you play a video game, let's say you mess up a lot over and over, and then you get so frustrated that you've messed up so much you kill off your character or turn off the game and start all over again, so you can do it 'right'? I've had that thought about my life. Like it's all messed up and it's tempting to hit the 'reset' button. Now, before you guys freak out on me, lol, I'm not going to DO anything, I realize this is bizarre and weird and messed up thinking, but that's the sort of weird crud that's been circling my noggin lately.

I totally understand why people get into drugs and booze when dealing with this stuff, just to numb it and shut off the damned brain. I'm also tempted to clobber myself over the head with a brick or something if I thought it would help, lol.

[LacePrincess]

hotdogz, thank you. I'm probably going to have to reread your post a few times because it seems we have a lot (unfortunately) in common!

I'm super pissed that Zoloft has gone rogue on me. I've read on some med forums that yeah, Zoloft can induce rage incidents and cycling, and can trigger bipolar episodes (again I've never even had a hint of bipolar before but who knows?). I'm so not looking forward to having to experiment with meds again, that was one dark hell hole of a year that first time. But you gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.

The strep throat thing is PANDA. I only read about it in the past few years, I guess it's a new theory. I had a lot of strep as a kid - it was like an annual thing. And my parents sucked at finishing courses of abx, and they used old abx in the medicine cabinet, so it makes me wonder if the abx courses weren't finished properly and contributed. It's all water under the bridge as it's far too late now to fix in myself, but I'm glad I know about it for my kids' sake. At least from my experience I know what to look for in my kids if they ever show symptoms.

It sounds like you were very wise to not do the LE diet strictly! I have eased up a LOT. I haven't counted calories, I'm just going vegetarian and not snacking. It's actually a good thing the kids are keeping me busy as it gives me purpose in my life. I'd be very scared of how low I could get without something to hold onto. Actually I'm not even sure I can blame the LE diet (though it certainly doesn't help) as I was seeing OCD signs last year, when DH was deployed. But at the time I had no choice - I couldn't fall apart because I was the only parent. So the good thing was, I just could NOT not be strong and capable, but it doesn't mean I was ok, as I ended up with gall bladder attacks thanks to my inner stress channelling out elsewhere. :P

I have a great psych that I'm seeing again. I trust him implicitly. He's the only therapist that has ever not patronized me, and he's the one that saw me and diagnosed me originally at 22. Stroke of fate that I got to see him as the original psych who was assigned to me was going to kick me out of the hospital with no diagnosis except for being 'young and overdramatic' and a bottle of Xanax. (Moron!!!) Unfortunately our healthcare system is so strained for resources that it takes a long time to get an appt if you're not an emergency (he works in the mental health ward at one of the hospitals here). I'm seeing him next week and I will ask him for recommendations for a counsellor. I've tried before on my own but haven't had much luck finding one that wasn't an idiot.

I've also looked into CBT for the anxiety/OCD but logistically it's impossible with the kids and everything. But also I seem to go from OCD/anxiety to depression and back again so I'm not sure fixing OCD will help, I think my crazy brain will then just turn around and latch onto something else. I've compared my brain to Linus from Charlie Brown, like that gloomy cloud that hovers and follows him everywhere. I definitely feel ADD at times and start projects without finishing, so I'm really wondering if somewhere in there I do have bipolar tendencies that just haven't surfaced yet.. ....hmmm......

[Tiggerian]

Omg Tigger, I'm in tears reading your post because I can identify with some of it for sure. You've definitely been through some horrid things I haven't had to (my family was normal and fine, no issues except that my mom has her own issues that she's in total denial about and thus was a little cold and distant to us growing up). I'm so so sorry about the loss of your baby so young, it must've been so traumatic.

I hope your therapist has helped you with what has to be some PTSD issues?

Gosh, what IS it with annoying shrinks not taking younger patients seriously? I've been there. When I was hospitalized I had to pretend to be seriously suicidal to get them not to blow me off as being young and hysterically dramatic (I've never actually been suicidal. I've had thoughts of it and thoughts of self harm but I've always known I could never actually DO it. I'm still terrified of 'snapping' someday and losing it though.)

They say the average age of diagnosis is middle age......not because people don't suffer but probably because so many times doctors will say shit like "you're young, what have you got to be worried about?" Yeah, uhm, when you don't have real life crap to worry about and you're still majorly depressed it's probably a bad sign......

I also know EXACTLY what you mean about staring at your baby and he's crying and you just don't care. Yup, that was me too in PPD. Thank goodness I was staying at my MIL at the time and she took care of DS1. I was so lost that I remember once I was in the shower in my ridiculous 'decontamination' ritual and he was screaming in his bassinet outside the door, and I was so locked into my compulsion that I couldn't stop it to go see to him. And I remember lots of times sitting there and he's screaming and I'm looking at him feeling totally detached. *shiver* On top of that being terrified too that CPS was going to come in and take him away because surely I was a terrible, awful mother. Like you, I know I wasn't but it's really like being zombified.

Yeah, I had/have mild PTSD. Because it is mild I'm able to keep symptoms under control. But there are places I cannot go - for example the ward she was born in. They tried putting me in the SAME room when I was being induced with my DS1 and I just freaked out. Couldn't go in there. Couldn't even go past it. If I go near certain places I can feel all the emotions coming back - sort of feels like my heart being torn out.

I've tried that too - that, doing something that isn't important - but not being able to stop doing it... I sat at the computer one evening. Wasn't doing anything, just sat staring in the screen, I could HEAR DS1 crying - but couldn't physically rouse myself. It's like your mind wipes blank... the lights on, but no ones home. I felt more like a shell than a person. I had no emotions, no personality - I worked on mechanics and instincts.

----

The worst part is that 2 weeks after my DD died my dad asked me in all seriousness if I was "over it yet" and didn't get why I wasn't. My mum didn't speak to me for 9 months after she died because she 'couldn't deal with the negative energy'. I was half way through the pregnancy when my DD died.

There were definitely people who thought I was just being hysterical and milking in - but when my cousin lost a baby at 10 weeks (and I know it's sad and a loss is a loss) my dad actually had tears in his eyes when he told me (this happened 4 years after DD died)! It just really made me angry and bitter - no tears for your grandaughter, but a niece you hardly ever see, her you cry for! But me, I'm weak in your eyes for not coping at 16 with the death of my child. At least my cousin had her husband, her family and friends around her.. I had no one! (My DDs dad isn't my OH - we lived together as my parents kicked me out at 15 (my mum because her boyfriends religion didn't agree with children out of wedlock and my dad because his wife didn't like me) and despite still being together, he decided he didn't want to be there when DD died.. Who wants a handicapped child anyway!?)

I have to admit - I still get very bitter and angry. Especially at things that happened when DDs death and my parents failure. But my OH has healed me a lot! He taught me to trust again and that not every one will abandon you when you need them, but the first few years of our relationship were very tough and we argued a lot (as I was convinced he would cheat and leave me constantly).

He's the first person who's allowed me to speak freely about DD and to grieve.. Every year he orders a Lily for each year (her name's Lily) and gets the kids babysat so we can go out, or just stay in. Whatever I want... He sorts out candles to light and gets an extra flower to put in the river (it's a thing my grandmother taught me - a flower in water will carry a message to a loved one who has passed away). He does all that, despite DD not being his, just because he knows how much it means to me - but that the grief prevents me from organising it myself. Every year he does it, without fail! Which personally I think is amazing!