I'm a crazypants!

[Dreamofpink]

Yay! So glad to see you back and even better to hear that you're doing well. Sorry you didn't get a bfp, perhaps this'll be our month?! x x

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[LacePrincess]

Hmm been awhile since I posted here!

So, just wanted to whine a bit. Been struggling with very bad paranoia and OCD since the m/c. I'm sure that the extreme OCD compulsions is probably related to my psyche trying to hypercontrol everything after feeling so OUT of control with the m/c.

The intrusive thoughts really suck. I know they're not rational but it's so EXHAUSTING trying to resist the temptation to compulse. And most of the time I eventually give in anyways even though I know I shouldn't just to SHUT THE URGE UP. I know it's the wrong thing to do but it buys me an hour or more of peace.

I'm very exhausted. Dealing with the m/c feelings was easier than dealing with this crappy horrid crap that's OCD. At least with the m/c it was a grief process and you go through it, cry, and it's going to heal. OCD never heals.

I have an appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow and it should be interesting. One thing that I keep forgetting to bring up with him is an incident that I seriously wonder if it might be contributing to my paranoia troubles now. A few years ago I was in the Reserves, and was put in a compromising position by a superior officer. And yes, that means a sexually compromising position. Thank the good Lord nothing actually happened, but only by the Grace of God and because the guy didn't actually try anything in the end. But if he had I would've had no hope of escaping.

I didn't think that had any lasting trauma, but maybe it did? It didn't help that when I reported the incident my (female) superior told me that I should've not put myself in that vulnerable position in the first place. I never did get counselling or anything, and it's been so many years that I just kind of dismissed it I guess. I didn't have classic PTSD symptoms but I wonder.....

My psychiatrist says that a lot of my OCD issues stems from a complete lack of trust in myself. I'm beginning to think that that incident might be creating issues now.

I really really wish I could try other meds but with this ttc thing it complicates issues. One of the meds my psych wants to try is a tricyclic, but they're FDA Class C. I'm beginning to think maybe I need to find a therapist.

Bah.