Still sore....

[EmileeJane]

It's been a while since I've been back here. I don't even know where this post belongs and it's a strange one too. Here goes...
I feel outrageously lucky to have gotten my desired gender Nov 2015. After 2 boys I sought out this site, bought a plan, temped, breastfed, had femara, 7 months trying, and it worked. By chance or sway or whatever, I got my daughter. She's amazing and I am so happy....
So here's the thing, my older sister wound up knocked up with her first. She has also wanted only girls and was really worried about having a boy. In the past she has cried with me over my first boy and thought I was a complete bitch about it by my 2nd boy.
We'll she found out she's having a girl. Of course she's stoked. I was shocked to say the least. I know 14 people pregnant with girls at this moment. I just assumed she'd have a boy. I guess I feel upset by her not wanting a boy then getting her girl on her first try. I'm slowly coming to terms with it but it still stings. Why?
I just feel like I have learned SO MUCH on this journey. I had this preconceived notion as to what having boys meant. And when we had our first I was devastated. I did not want to raise the boys that I knew growing up. So I vowed to raise different boys. It made me take a HUGE step back at what parenting was and how I was going to do it. My husband and I work hard to raise sensitive, loving, sympathetic/empathetic boys. Having my boys totally changed me. There is no way I would have learned a thing had I had my girl first. Truly. I would have gotten just what I wanted plus I'm a girl it would have been easy.
Anyway tonight another friend pregnant with her first, wanting a girl, announced she's getting her girl- I just kinda needed a vent. It's the 1st time moms, hoping for a girl/not wanting a boy, then getting their girl- that seems to bring these feelings up. I know it's all my problem and not theirs but it makes me sore, even though I have my girl. It's not like I want people to experience GD, but, I'd appreciate the understanding, instead of getting exactly what you wish for and becoming none the wiser.

[trifecta]

Welcome back and congratulations on your daughter! I understand why it rubs you the wrong way but really these are women who do not--and maybe never will--know what they are missing. It might seem like they are getting a reward but remaining ignorant isn't a reward: it's a booby prize. Growth, even painful growth, is always better.

[XXforhubby]

^^^Well said! I completely agree! They are the ones that are missing out. In my experience, when first time moms get what they order (regardless of which gender they had a preference for), they have a rude awakening! It won't all be glitter and gold! Case in point, I have only wanted to have boys and really had super strong preference for a boy with my first two boys. My DS1 was so hard to raise! I got my beloved boy but it was no walk in the park! He didn't sleep through the night until he was 2.5 yrs old! At 5.5yrs old, he STILL requires less sleep than a normal person should to function ! Plus as a babe and toddler, he was never one to play on his own- he needed constant interaction/engagement. I had a rude awakening, believe me! I have seen something similar with those who get what they ordered! It made me more grateful and certainly more humble in the mother department!

Hang in there! Set back and watch what happens, you'll see! It's good to hear from you!


DS1, DS2, & DS3 completes our family!

[Beau82]

Oh I do know how you feel. My SIL is pregnant now and doesn't yet know the sex. She says she doesn't care what it is but I know she's hoping for a girl. She keeps making comments about it and BIL has said many times that he wants all girls. I find myself really hoping that they have a boy. Partly because I feel like saying "what's wrong with boys?". I mean, I have 4 of their nephews. I know another part of me would be jealous that they would have the first granddaughter for DH's side of the family.
But yeah, whenever someone is pregnant with their second, I find myself hoping they will have another of the same gender. I feel awful for thinking that but it bugs me sometimes when people get exactly what they want, without trying. I wouldn't change my family for the world of course. When I was pregnant with DS2, I was hoping for another boy even though everyone assumed I wanted a girl. I just love the idea of a boy and his brother growing up close in age.

That being said, I love how trifecta put it! It makes me feel lucky for getting the chance to grow in this way

[EmileeJane]

Thanks gals I needed other perspectives!
Yes trifecta, I agree they will likely be none the wiser. And I am glad to have gone through what I have. It has totally changed me as a person and a parent. I judge far less, try not to assume and am much more empathetic. It's true hard lessons and pain make you grow.
XX it sounds like our DS1s are one and the same! He was a big reason I was extra scared for DS2! Kids are completely humbling. I will certainly be looking out for this with my sis and friends.
My sister has started the 'I nevers'. Love that about 1st time moms all these things they plan to never do with or for their kids. Her and her BFF (who has a 6yr old boy) were chatting and my sis was being a bit of a bitch to her, so her friend told her she can't wait till that baby girl throws her first tantrum. My sister's reply was, 'At least she'll look cute doing it!' HA! She is in for a rude awakening .
Beau82- ugh that's rough with your SIL. I know none of my gal pals wanted boys. It's a matter of time till they have something rude to say about boys . I also get very defensive about it. My boys are great and they've taught me a lot! I know my sis gets smug about it. Oh i secretly hoped my sis was having a boy too.
I suppose you're all right. Guess no matter what, girls or not, it'll get real when the shit (literally) hits the fan!

[familymatters]

I know how you feel. I was pregnant at the exact same time with DS2 as my best friend was pregnant with her first. She made zero secret of the fact that she would be completely devastated if she had a boy, and although she only wants one child, she'd be forced to try again to get her girl. Of course she had a girl. I was so irrationally angry. Mainly because any opportunity she got she would mention how disappointed she would have been to have been pregnant with a boy. Sooooo rude, it made me feel like my boy meant nothing, that he was meaningless. A year later and I still feel a weird feeling when I see her with her beautiful daughter. I found the experience deeply upsetting.

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[atomic sagebrush]

I will tell you, it's the thing that still feels like nails on a chalkboard to me. The number of people who I know IRL who just get handed the BG combo, or the GB combo, just no effort required, boom, boom, like that. It still gets to me, and funnily enough I never cared about the PP to start with, it's just like JC why does EVERYONE get handed this literally effortlessly and I am here 20 years later with 4 boys and then only after ages of research and effort, do I get one measly girl when I'm 42 and practically about to die or something LOLOLOLOL.

still bugs me and I am both at peace and totally enlightened.

[atomic sagebrush]

Welcome back and congratulations on your daughter! I understand why it rubs you the wrong way but really these are women who do not--and maybe never will--know what they are missing. It might seem like they are getting a reward but remaining ignorant isn't a reward: it's a booby prize. Growth, even painful growth, is always better.

True dat!!!

[EmileeJane]

Ugh familymatters! I would have dropped her as a friend. I'm sure that put a huge strain on your relationship. That is completely rude of her.

Atomic- so you're telling me I'll probably always get these pangs? Okay I guess I'll settle for being wiser and the chance to grow
I am so grateful to this site and all it's members. Glad we can share in the lessons, laughs and tears. Thanks for all of your help Atomic! Nice chatting again!

[atomic sagebrush]

It's so odd because it never once bothered me to begin with. I never even WANTED a PP. When I had my second son I was over the moon, I really had no gender preference with him at all and I always wanted a larger family anyway. I remember seeing a sign that read "there's a special place in heaven for the mother of 4 boys" and thinking "oh that would be fun" never once realizing that I would eventually OWN that sign and it would be only after years of research and 20+ years and so much stress and heartache that I would have both boys and girls. Isn't that something that just happens naturally?? I would have been totally happy with 4 b and 1 g it's just that dang did it have to come sneaking in under the wire like this?

It is something that has really only bothered me since I had my daughter, just this realization that YET AGAIN the thing that I am not given in life (or at least not with a huge amount of personal pain and struggle) everyone else just gets it handed to them. If it was the only thing or the first thing it wouldn't bother me. It's because I feel like it's happened again and again and again. I do agree that YES it is an opportunity for wisdom and growth but then again some days I think "aren't I wise enough already??" LOLOLOL