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    Peoples Opinions on Having More Children

    I fell pregnant back in March/April of 2019 and as Iíve mentioned before I am pregnant with my fourth boy. With this one I did face GD because I tried for a girl but Iím slowly moving past it all. But what I found really upsetting this time was the blatant opinions of people when they find out you are having a fourth. Ironically most of the nasty and negative vibes have come from my own family or my in-laws. Itís really upsetting because while I was so incredibly close to them prior to this pregnancy, they suddenly felt entitled to pass the most hurtful comments with this one. To start not one person congratulated me when they found out. It was as if I had committed a crime by wanting more children. It may have something to do with the true fact that my hubby and I are going through a bit of a financial strain but at the same time we donít rely on a single family member either. I was told by my sister in law, that ďitís so obvious you were trying for a girl and thatís the only reason you wanted a babyĒ. At the time I was so shocked by her statements I couldnít think of what to say. She went on to saying, ď have you thought about living expenses? Medical bills?Ē Just horrible comments that made me want to cry. I just love coming on this forum and reading how positive all the women are with each other about having multiple kids. I donít know whether anyone else has faced this with people but it has really contributed to my depression during this pregnancy. Itís hard for me to talk to people around me too because I donít want to sound vulnerable. Why canít people be happy for you? Iíve kept my distance really since then but Iím just wondering is this a normal reaction from family who should be supportive? Maybe I am missing something? Or wrong for wanting more kids. Would love to hear others thoughts x x x


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    I think anything outside of 2 kids and when they are all the same gender, people like to impose on you.

    I have four. The things people say and assume all have some truth to them. That is our reality. The comments will never stop but how you feel about them and how you react can. There are positives and negatives to every number of kids. I've met plenty of people that were one of two and they say holidays are terribly boring and if their sibling cannot make it, it is awful. With 3 kids, there is a middle child and all that comes with a middle child. With 4, your life is just incredibly busy and the reality is you are spread thin. The bottom line is that assuming you can provide for them, bringing another child into the world shouldn't be a negative thing. All that matters is how you feel about it. Even if you come up with a snappy comeback, you will feel the way you feel about it no matter what. Also, it's ok to say, yep, a girl would have been cool but we are good with another brother too. That's ok. You don't have to be in full denial mode all the time. It doesn't mean you don't love this one any less. Look at it this way, you just eliminated the true middle child syndrome for your second born!
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  4. #3
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    I didn't experience this personally but I do know that most people think anything beyond two or three is too many and think my husband and I were crazy to do it. They have their attitudes, which I can certainly detect, even though they don't dare to say anything. I suspect that if I'd been younger at the time I had them I would have gotten plenty of comments but by the time I had them they must have known I'd have told them off. (plus I waited till very far along in pregnancy to tell people with my youngest three)

    The thing is, people see children as a drain and not a resource. But as kids get older, they do help around the house and pay back in terms of love and friendship many times over. That some people see it that way is actually quite sad for them. It is NOT A NORMAL RESPONSE at all and I think it's a sad statement on our modern culture that people see things that way. I recommend the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids" by Bryan Caplan as he has some insight into the idea that I found very helpful.

    What i have learned in life is that a good many people feel entitled to push you and say anything they want to you. This won't ever stop until you push back on them and say "no more, this is not appropriate". This is a difficult thing for many of us to do but I promise, after the first time doing it, it starts to get very easy, and then the remarks just evaporate into nothing. We as women are very strongly socialized to keep quiet and put up with things, and it only encourages that type of person to keep going on and on. I know it's really hard but I would try to shut it down immediately with a "it's none of your business" or "if you can't say anything nice, please shut up". I've found it helpful to have some positive things like "four of a kind is a winning hand" for strangers, but family members who are buttinskis may require stronger words!

    And as for "you were only trying for a girl"...so? People act like trying for a particular gender is this terrible thing. But people have children for all kinds of terrible reasons (to save a relationship, to have a "mini-me", to control their partner's behavior, all sorts of awful things) and wanting to have the experience of raising a daughter is so benign and understandable. What difference does it make if you were trying for a girl - and even if you weren't particularly, if people think that? I always wanted 5 kids, was vocal about that (since I was like 18 years old I said that) and people still assumed I was trying for a girl. But there are people who will always put the worst possible spin on others' motives to feel superior to them!

    What it boils down to, is that these people are trying to control your behavior not out of the goodness of their hearts but for their own reasons. They're the ones who are in the wrong, not you, and you should feel fully justified to push back on that! hang in there, my 4th boy is a dream come true and soon he'll show you why he's coming your way!
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    Congratulations on your baby boy im sorry your family are being like this, i would continue to keep them at arms length, you dont need to listen to their negativity.
    Ive just had my 8th child and honestly i also found the "Congratulations" etc completely dried up at number 3, we no longer announce pregnancies we only announce baby's arrival and its much less stress that way. I cant be bothered dealing with other peoples oppinions on family size or baby's gender, the decision over the number of children you have is between you and your dh its no-one elses business and its sad when grandparents/family members act like they dont want another grandchild/nephew etc. Every baby is a huge blessing but often when you've got a larger family other's view another baby as a negative thing, i think alot of people just dont understand why you would want lots of kids, i often get looked at like im mad when i say that i love it. Honestly i feel sad for them that they see children as a burden and (if they have kids) clearly dont/didnt enjoy raising their own.
    Being negative about your baby boy is their loss not yours. You enjoy every moment of having him all to yourself for the rest of your pregnancy and he will be the perfect addition to your family when he arrives (imo these relatives have also put themselves to the back of the queue for newborn snuggles!!)
    Enjoy your large family and if you and your husband decide on more children in the future then go for it without giving the oppinions of others a second thought xx
    now 6blue3pink after 3 GD sways xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by nuthinbutpink View Post
    I think anything outside of 2 kids and when they are all the same gender, people like to impose on you.

    I have four. The things people say and assume all have some truth to them. That is our reality. The comments will never stop but how you feel about them and how you react can. There are positives and negatives to every number of kids. I've met plenty of people that were one of two and they say holidays are terribly boring and if their sibling cannot make it, it is awful. With 3 kids, there is a middle child and all that comes with a middle child. With 4, your life is just incredibly busy and the reality is you are spread thin. The bottom line is that assuming you can provide for them, bringing another child into the world shouldn't be a negative thing. All that matters is how you feel about it. Even if you come up with a snappy comeback, you will feel the way you feel about it no matter what. Also, it's ok to say, yep, a girl would have been cool but we are good with another brother too. That's ok. You don't have to be in full denial mode all the time. It doesn't mean you don't love this one any less. Look at it this way, you just eliminated the true middle child syndrome for your second born!
    Thank you so much for the reply. This is just it, I think itís more the way I feel inside. My sister in law is 49, sheís divorced remarried and her new husband moved to another country two years ago and she lives alone now her two kids grown up. She only ever has negative things to say about how demanding children get when they are older and is always warning me of this seeing as my boys are still small. Of course you donít judge her for any of that but I know that her viewpoint on marriage and kids is really negative in general. Itís hard because I love her and value her ideas but I genuinely feel like she is imposing on my life and also affecting my husband with her viewpoints. If she was a stranger I could just ignore it but always harder when family I guess x x x


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    Quote Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush View Post
    I didn't experience this personally but I do know that most people think anything beyond two or three is too many and think my husband and I were crazy to do it. They have their attitudes, which I can certainly detect, even though they don't dare to say anything. I suspect that if I'd been younger at the time I had them I would have gotten plenty of comments but by the time I had them they must have known I'd have told them off. (plus I waited till very far along in pregnancy to tell people with my youngest three)

    The thing is, people see children as a drain and not a resource. But as kids get older, they do help around the house and pay back in terms of love and friendship many times over. That some people see it that way is actually quite sad for them. It is NOT A NORMAL RESPONSE at all and I think it's a sad statement on our modern culture that people see things that way. I recommend the book "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids" by Bryan Caplan as he has some insight into the idea that I found very helpful.

    What i have learned in life is that a good many people feel entitled to push you and say anything they want to you. This won't ever stop until you push back on them and say "no more, this is not appropriate". This is a difficult thing for many of us to do but I promise, after the first time doing it, it starts to get very easy, and then the remarks just evaporate into nothing. We as women are very strongly socialized to keep quiet and put up with things, and it only encourages that type of person to keep going on and on. I know it's really hard but I would try to shut it down immediately with a "it's none of your business" or "if you can't say anything nice, please shut up". I've found it helpful to have some positive things like "four of a kind is a winning hand" for strangers, but family members who are buttinskis may require stronger words!

    And as for "you were only trying for a girl"...so? People act like trying for a particular gender is this terrible thing. But people have children for all kinds of terrible reasons (to save a relationship, to have a "mini-me", to control their partner's behavior, all sorts of awful things) and wanting to have the experience of raising a daughter is so benign and understandable. What difference does it make if you were trying for a girl - and even if you weren't particularly, if people think that? I always wanted 5 kids, was vocal about that (since I was like 18 years old I said that) and people still assumed I was trying for a girl. But there are people who will always put the worst possible spin on others' motives to feel superior to them!

    What it boils down to, is that these people are trying to control your behavior not out of the goodness of their hearts but for their own reasons. They're the ones who are in the wrong, not you, and you should feel fully justified to push back on that! hang in there, my 4th boy is a dream come true and soon he'll show you why he's coming your way!
    Thank you for chiming in and for the book recommendation. I will get the book and also post it to my Instagram to recommend it to others and to piss my in laws off just kidding. Yes I agree I have actually kept this one quiet because most of my and hubbys closest friend have a pigeon pair (boy and girl one of each) and even when we had 3 boys theyíd make snarky comments like oh my god THREE BOYS! So can only imagine what Iím going to be getting in a couple of months. One of the things she said to me was, ďWhy didnít you ever tell me you were trying for another baby?Ē And I was so shocked anyone no matter how close would think itís their business to say that. To which I replied ď Iím not obliged to tell you or anyone else anythingĒ and that kept her quiet but I mean this is someone I considered myself VERY close to so itís bizarre how she reacted maybe that was why she thought I should have told her but still.

    When she said about trying for a girl, I didnít deny it, I said yes and so what?! How people feel entitled to throw such words around I will never understand. That part really hurt me because even if she did think that why would she rub it in my face that it didnít work. Just awful

    By the way I met a woman the other day with 9 children. She was telling me her story. After her fifth her hubby had a vasectomy. Then they had a change of heart and he reversed it. For seven years after the reversal she didnít conceive and then she did. She went on to have four more children. She was so graceful too. At 47 years old her eldest was 23 and youngest was 3 and a half. She just restored my faith in humanity talking about children as a blessing rather than a burden which is what most people around me sound like. Itís quite sad this is the world we live in I guess it all boils down to money. The religion of our time.


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    Quote Originally Posted by 4blue2pink View Post
    Congratulations on your baby boy im sorry your family are being like this, i would continue to keep them at arms length, you dont need to listen to their negativity.
    Ive just had my 8th child and honestly i also found the "Congratulations" etc completely dried up at number 3, we no longer announce pregnancies we only announce baby's arrival and its much less stress that way. I cant be bothered dealing with other peoples oppinions on family size or baby's gender, the decision over the number of children you have is between you and your dh its no-one elses business and its sad when grandparents/family members act like they dont want another grandchild/nephew etc. Every baby is a huge blessing but often when you've got a larger family other's view another baby as a negative thing, i think alot of people just dont understand why you would want lots of kids, i often get looked at like im mad when i say that i love it. Honestly i feel sad for them that they see children as a burden and (if they have kids) clearly dont/didnt enjoy raising their own.
    Being negative about your baby boy is their loss not yours. You enjoy every moment of having him all to yourself for the rest of your pregnancy and he will be the perfect addition to your family when he arrives (imo these relatives have also put themselves to the back of the queue for newborn snuggles!!)
    Enjoy your large family and if you and your husband decide on more children in the future then go for it without giving the oppinions of others a second thought xx
    Thank you so much Congratulations on your EIGHTH!!!!! How wonderful. What kids do you have and what ages? Iím kinda jealous haha.... Well this is exactly what we did. We havenít announced this pregnancy to anyone yet and Iím approaching the seven month mark soon. But of course close family knew, who were the most negative of all. Itís really shown me a different side to them and Iím glad in a way. Iíve had a terrible pregnancy partly to the gender disappointment faced and partly to the negative reactions from people closest to us. My uncle who thinks having boys is the worst thing that can happen to anyone makes it really clear too that he feels sorry for me. I absolutely love having kids around me. And when I look at families of just two I do think it would be so boring. I do pray for one or two more but Iím 39 now and worried it may be too late for me. I would be blessed to have girls but Iím not holding my breath really. If it hasnít happened for me by now. At one point I was thinking, this is it Iíd never have anymore what will people think of me but now I think f*** people and if I can I definitely would love to. I have friends that already call my family ENORMOUS with 3 boys but always sarcastically not nice. I need to think of more creative ways to shut people up enough times that they stop saying it entirely. Im working on it


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    Another thing she said , I just remembered was, ďYou do realise that by having more children you will be TAKING AWAY from your boys and be giving them less than what theyíd be getting now right!?Ē I mean that statement left me baffled. If anything a sibling would add more joy I would think but I suppose sheís talking from a financial aspect. Oh I dunno, really upsetting anyway


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    Here is what I've found (and this is not to take away from anyone with a small family at all) a LOT of people who have had small families, yes, their kids had a lot of stuff, but they were either spoiled or the parents were entirely too controlling (the fewer children, the more the parents control.) This is not always a good thing on either count. I was an only child till I was eleven and it was AWFUL. My parents were so focused on me all the time the pressure was enormous. I find that with my kids, yes, I'm spread thinner, but at the same time they have to do more on their own and are both independent and have some freedom that I didn't have growing up, not to mention having siblings has been a really good experience in many ways (again, not taking away from any families with 1 child at all)

    THere are benefits to everything and drawbacks to them. People often tell you only the drawbacks of what you do while focusing on the benefits of what they did.
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    Quote Originally Posted by princessreader View Post
    Thank you so much Congratulations on your EIGHTH!!!!! How wonderful. What kids do you have and what ages? I’m kinda jealous haha.... Well this is exactly what we did. We haven’t announced this pregnancy to anyone yet and I’m approaching the seven month mark soon. But of course close family knew, who were the most negative of all. It’s really shown me a different side to them and I’m glad in a way. I’ve had a terrible pregnancy partly to the gender disappointment faced and partly to the negative reactions from people closest to us. My uncle who thinks having boys is the worst thing that can happen to anyone makes it really clear too that he feels sorry for me. I absolutely love having kids around me. And when I look at families of just two I do think it would be so boring. I do pray for one or two more but I’m 39 now and worried it may be too late for me. I would be blessed to have girls but I’m not holding my breath really. If it hasn’t happened for me by now. At one point I was thinking, this is it I’d never have anymore what will people think of me but now I think f*** people and if I can I definitely would love to. I have friends that already call my family ENORMOUS with 3 boys but always sarcastically not nice. I need to think of more creative ways to shut people up enough times that they stop saying it entirely. Im working on it


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    Thankyou so much we have..

    ages are 9,7,6,5,4,2,1 and 2 weeks

    im so sorry you have had your pregnancy spolied by their reactions, dont let them ruin this experience for you. As far as how to deal with others whenever anyone brings it up i always make it very clear that i love having a large family, i love kids and when im asked if i'm done i always respond that 'i'd love more. Being really positive seems to shut them down (at least in my experience) they often act shocked when i say i'd love more kids, but they dont push it any further.
    yes F*** what they think!! it's not their family or their life, if you want to add to your family then do and enjoy every moment of it, i hope you get to add the 1 or 2 more babies that you wish for and never say never for girls, i had 2 girls in a row after 4 boys, its possible!!

    two of my favorite quotes are "the greatest gift you can give your children is another sibling" and "you never regret the children you have, only the ones you dont"
    now 6blue3pink after 3 GD sways xx

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