Part 4: Due January, February & March 2019

[gafan]

Yay Kiku!!

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[gafan]

Noemi, I am hoping you have a healthy baby girl. Not too long until you find out...

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[Noemi2017]

Thx u gafan i dont know if i have chance for baby girl...i would feel so blessed if i get her and if not i will be grateful for healthy baby. Im just afraid i wont stop to desire her...

[kikurose]

TP.
Everything has been said.

All I can offer is a virtual hug. Feel what you feel without guilt. Process those feelings. I hope you have some moments today that make you feel some joy in your grief.

I am happy you had such a great labor. That at least was a gift. I’m glad you are healthy. She is healthy. And I’m glad your DH was a help.

I’m so sad for you, but this is just another step in your journey to your son. And I hope your girls are the best of friends ❤️

[dreamofdaughter]

Have been offline for a few days...only came back to check on you, TP. Congratulations on your healthy baby girl and a quick, safe arrival but I am so sorry it wasn't your boy.

I didn't bond immediately with my second...I am sad to write that, but it is true. It will come.

Sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers for happiness. All the best. x

[hopper]

TP im glad that my post resonated with you, i was worried it might come across as a jumbled mess!!

I think we joined the site around the same time and although you are a blue swayer and im pink you stood out to me straight away as pretty much the only person on here who admitted to having gender desire to the same degree i do!!

we both had really strong gender desire and then disappointment with our first babies. It seems there arent that many people who have that extreme gender desire and then suffer major GD with their first child and i felt a bit alone with that until i read your posts.
We also both have certain family members who seem to only celebrate baby's of one gender, we both really wanted small age gaps, we both had low-risk first pregnancies followed by loss(es) of our dream gender and then we both went on to have another healthy baby of the opposite gender to the one we desperately wanted. Oh and not forgetting the "unhelpful" dh's

Ive always been really thankful to you for posting so honestly and showing the extreme end of gender desire and disappointment, right from the start id read your posts and it felt like they could've been about me, you described the same feelings and thoughts that i had/have, and not just with GD, even the desire for the small age gap or the negative reaction from that family member about your DD1 being a girl, to your feelings of just keeping on ttc your ds's till it kills you, all of it. Id read it and be like "yes!! i get that 100%" Thankyou for sharing everything that you have over the years

Now after reading your update i cant help but think back to after DS2 was born, i hadn't dealt with the death of our baby girl who came 10 months before him and the time after he was born was the darkest point for me so far, it might seem wrong for me to even admit to that here, (talk about raining on the parade!!) but at the end of the day sometimes having a new baby isnt all magic sparkling fairy dust, sometimes your arms are full while you still feel empty and i just wanted you to know that i do understand the negative emotions and thoughts that will no doubt be there right now and its ok to admit that they are there. Having everyone else on cloud 9 really doesnt make it any easier either, its a really messy and difficult time and there is no getting around it so please keep posting here because we do understand.
I just so wish this wasnt the situation right now, along with everyone else on here i so desperately wanted this baby to be the end of your journey to your boy, and you are right the universe has been unfair!! but we are all here ready to take the next steps with you no matter what they are or which direction they go in

does new addition have a name? you did mention a gorgeous choice a little while ago (i wont write it but it began with M) i hope your getting some rest now between the constant newborn feeds xx

I swear this is the closest I've ever read to how I felt after DS1. I have never really verbalised those feelings and instead just lived with the guilt of not having that instant connection you're supposed to have. Being really really honest I've never had it on any of mine, just relief that it's all over. The bonding has always come later. But on my first I didn't realise that GD was a thing or that it was so strong until he was here and he wasn't my girl that I'd talked to and bonded with. The only way I've spoken about it (to very, very, very few people) is by saying that the child I grew inside me was not the same child I held in my arms. If that even makes sense. She became a He and it was only then I realised I totally didn't want to be a mother to a son. God that sounds awful. I stopped beating myself up over it a long time ago tho. My DS1 is the sweetest boy. His whole heart belongs to his mama. Then along came DS2. I think I talked myself into being ok with him being a He but the truth is it just stung way too much. It wasn't until I had DS3 that I found a level of happiness in my son's that I didn't think existed. But in the back of my mind it grates on me SO bad that so so so many women pop out one of each and are done. I've had three boys, two losses and am getting my girl now but it feels almost like it's by default cause I can't enjoy it. I'm having twins. It's going to be hard. It IS hard currently. My 3 sons are suffering (lack of focus on my part. I'm just so drained and everything is the biggest effort!) as a result of my obsession with needing a daughter. I still don't feel like I thought I'd feel at that news. Maybe that's the anxiety of needing to get them here safely. I dunno...
Aaaaaaaanyway, that went somewhere I wasn't expecting it to go. I just wanted to say TP you are so so understood here. I love your honesty. You are a strong woman who will raise strong daughters. Keeping you in my thoughts xx

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[4blue2pink]

I swear this is the closest I've ever read to how I felt after DS1. I have never really verbalised those feelings and instead just lived with the guilt of not having that instant connection you're supposed to have. Being really really honest I've never had it on any of mine, just relief that it's all over. The bonding has always come later. But on my first I didn't realise that GD was a thing or that it was so strong until he was here and he wasn't my girl that I'd talked to and bonded with. The only way I've spoken about it (to very, very, very few people) is by saying that the child I grew inside me was not the same child I held in my arms. If that even makes sense. She became a He and it was only then I realised I totally didn't want to be a mother to a son. God that sounds awful. I stopped beating myself up over it a long time ago tho. My DS1 is the sweetest boy. His whole heart belongs to his mama. Then along came DS2. I think I talked myself into being ok with him being a He but the truth is it just stung way too much. It wasn't until I had DS3 that I found a level of happiness in my son's that I didn't think existed. But in the back of my mind it grates on me SO bad that so so so many women pop out one of each and are done. I've had three boys, two losses and am getting my girl now but it feels almost like it's by default cause I can't enjoy it. I'm having twins. It's going to be hard. It IS hard currently. My 3 sons are suffering (lack of focus on my part. I'm just so drained and everything is the biggest effort!) as a result of my obsession with needing a daughter. I still don't feel like I thought I'd feel at that news. Maybe that's the anxiety of needing to get them here safely. I dunno...
Aaaaaaaanyway, that went somewhere I wasn't expecting it to go. I just wanted to say TP you are so so understood here. I love your honesty. You are a strong woman who will raise strong daughters. Keeping you in my thoughts xx

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Hopper i get it and im sorry to hear that you have also experienced this extreme end of GD, i was exactly like that with my first 4 boys, there was no bond/connection, it was like i had the wrong baby, i felt totally empty and the hope of the next one been a girl is all that kept me going. After finding out they were boys i only kept them because my dh wanted boys and refused to let me terminate despite my midwife even agreeing by ds3 and 4 that it would be best for me (thats how extreme it was)
what you say about not being able to enjoy your DD is exactly how i ended up, my 1st living daughter wasnt a twin but she was born when i already had 4 boys to look after, i couldnt just sit there and enjoy every single second of her the way i could of if she had been my first and i did resent that.
I wont lie.. once i knew she was a girl and having a girl was my reality not just a dream, i really realised just how much happier i am having girls, i loved my pregnancy and for the first time ever i wasnt wishing it away, i had no resentment, no depression etc the change was huge for me, i was terrified she would die like our DD1 did but all the other negative feelings id had with the boys weren't there, and for the first time ever my closest relatives were happy about the baby (they only celebrate girls). I had 2 girls in a row followed by another boy and although having him wasnt the same as my boys born before the girls (thankfully it was nowhere near as extreme) i didnt have that same level of happiness i had with both of my girls. It sounds so awful but having girls is a happier experience for me.
I hope everything goes well with your twins and that you are able to really enjoy the experience of both having twins and also having your girl xx

[hopper]

Hopper i get it and im sorry to hear that you have also experienced this extreme end of GD, i was exactly like that with my first 4 boys, there was no bond/connection, it was like i had the wrong baby, i felt totally empty and the hope of the next one been a girl is all that kept me going. After finding out they were boys i only kept them because my dh wanted boys and refused to let me terminate despite my midwife even agreeing by ds3 and 4 that it would be best for me (thats how extreme it was)
what you say about not being able to enjoy your DD is exactly how i ended up, my 1st living daughter wasnt a twin but she was born when i already had 4 boys to look after, i couldnt just sit there and enjoy every single second of her the way i could of if she had been my first and i did resent that.
I wont lie.. once i knew she was a girl and having a girl was my reality not just a dream, i really realised just how much happier i am having girls, i loved my pregnancy and for the first time ever i wasnt wishing it away, i had no resentment, no depression etc the change was huge for me, i was terrified she would die like our DD1 did but all the other negative feelings id had with the boys weren't there, and for the first time ever my closest relatives were happy about the baby (they only celebrate girls). I had 2 girls in a row followed by another boy and although having him wasnt the same as my boys born before the girls (thankfully it was nowhere near as extreme) i didnt have that same level of happiness i had with both of my girls. It sounds so awful but having girls is a happier experience for me.
I hope everything goes well with your twins and that you are able to really enjoy the experience of both having twins and also having your girl xx

Thank you 4b2p! I always felt there was something "wrong" with me that I didn't feel elated to have my healthy baby. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful to have my kids and they ARE my world. Now. Back then it didn't feel like that and even here, where GD is so much more understood, spoken about and accepted I've always felt I couldn't even THINK these thoughts, let alone write them. Thank you and TP for your extreme honesty. There's part of me that feels guilty for writing these things but I also feel good in the simple act of being honest.
I hear you on the topic of already having your hands full and not being able to just eat up that time with your DD! I begrudge people that, even now when I've found a semblance of inner peace with my family make up. It gets my goat! Boom, here's a daughter. Boom, here's a son. Oh you want another girl, boom, here she is. A friend of mine once said I should tell my husband to tell his "bits" to shoot out "pink stuff" I just found it was such a rude comment to make. I'm all for a good joke but I had three boys compared to her gentleman's family and it was a punch in the guts!
Something I'm struggling with lately is all the comments of "oh you're a glutton for punishment" and "rather you than me" like I do feel really overwhelmed with the fact we're going from 3 to 5 kids and were already stretched thin at 3! I don't need people throwing in their two cents worth and making me dread the coming months. I don't see how I will possibly be able to enjoy her. And the guilt of enjoying her and not enjoying my 4th boy as much, like the way you describe being happier post partum after your girls compared to your boys. I'm a sucker for feeling guilty over the least little thing. I don't want to feel like I'm preferring her to him. And then there's the fear something might happen between now and their safe arrival and then I'll feel even worse at having had these thoughts!!!gosh, pregnancy hormones suck! I actually don't know where this is coming from. It's like word vomit!!!

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[kittendreams]

ABC is today your induction?
Thinking of you and your beautiful twins!!!!

[kittendreams]

Thank you 4b2p! I always felt there was something "wrong" with me that I didn't feel elated to have my healthy baby. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful to have my kids and they ARE my world. Now. Back then it didn't feel like that and even here, where GD is so much more understood, spoken about and accepted I've always felt I couldn't even THINK these thoughts, let alone write them. Thank you and TP for your extreme honesty. There's part of me that feels guilty for writing these things but I also feel good in the simple act of being honest.
I hear you on the topic of already having your hands full and not being able to just eat up that time with your DD! I begrudge people that, even now when I've found a semblance of inner peace with my family make up. It gets my goat! Boom, here's a daughter. Boom, here's a son. Oh you want another girl, boom, here she is. A friend of mine once said I should tell my husband to tell his "bits" to shoot out "pink stuff" I just found it was such a rude comment to make. I'm all for a good joke but I had three boys compared to her gentleman's family and it was a punch in the guts!
Something I'm struggling with lately is all the comments of "oh you're a glutton for punishment" and "rather you than me" like I do feel really overwhelmed with the fact we're going from 3 to 5 kids and were already stretched thin at 3! I don't need people throwing in their two cents worth and making me dread the coming months. I don't see how I will possibly be able to enjoy her. And the guilt of enjoying her and not enjoying my 4th boy as much, like the way you describe being happier post partum after your girls compared to your boys. I'm a sucker for feeling guilty over the least little thing. I don't want to feel like I'm preferring her to him. And then there's the fear something might happen between now and their safe arrival and then I'll feel even worse at having had these thoughts!!!gosh, pregnancy hormones suck! I actually don't know where this is coming from. It's like word vomit!!!

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Hopper this is what scares me about trying for a 4th. Even if ( and that's a huge if after 2 failed sways already) I get a dd at what cost will it be to my boys?

But having said that fwiw my sister had huge gd after her two sons- got pregnant with b/g twins and honestly she loves both so much. They are both so special and truth be told the boy is just irresistible ( to everyone!) she has always doted on him. She loves her daughter/ mother bond and has been able to have it because the other 3 boys played together so much. She has gone on to have another boy with no hint of gd so now has 4 boys and 1 girl. I hope that gives you hope xx