Part 4: Due January, February & March 2019

[4blue2pink]

TP how are you doing?

[Throwaway_panther]

Thanks for asking 4blue -- and ABC, I am so glad to hear things are better though how scary to have needed the transfusion! I hope you get a chance to process all of that even with the stress and time of taking care of 4 now!

I'm doing ok. I recovered amazingly -- no tears and a quick, med free labor seemed to have been the trick for me as I had minimal bleeding (practically nonexistent) and I feel almost as if I didn't just have a baby! And baby M (we did use that name ty for paying attention hehe!) being so overdue actually was a blessing in disguise as nursing and even sleep have been much better than I expected. Bonding is also better than expected -- I feel my best description is "I feel fond" even if I don't yet have the same feelings I did with first DD, the sort of "extension of myself" type stuff. And DD is enamored of her, which has helped me feel I made the right decision overall here.

Which, I wanted to PM you about all of this 4blue since your shared words helped me so much. I feel pretty resolved that now, after going through all of this, I will do what I need to do to get a son and not suffer through what I did before. I'm still sort of plotting through what I'll do going forward (GS IUI is still on my mind, especially since we live quite close to a clinic), or if I'll just go onwards and see what happens. Maybe DH's lifestyle changes might help, afterall, and next go will be lucky odds -- who knows. But I feel very strongly that I will do what I need to do to keep mentally and physically safe and healthy next go around, which I am constantly thinking about.

Which brings me to my summary of my traumatic stuff: on day of discharge, I had my own hormonal/postpartum come down and cried for maybe 5 minutes in the shower at the hospital. It was over just everything and I just needed to get it out. DH rushed and got a nurse out of concern when he heard me, and nurse told him it was super normal because of hormones.

DH, in all his... everything... said, "She's got a history of depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm worried she's going to kill herself because we didn't have a boy."

This, of course, triggered hospital protocol and I ended up being put on a 24 hour hold, having to dredge up so much of my private GD and history of mental illness over and over to hospital staff and involved me over and over saying, "I just cried for 5 minutes!" and defending myself -- luckily nurses and midwives all vouched for me over and over, but they couldn't trump the domino effect and I still had to ride out the hospital protocol.

It was awful. I had been doing ok all things considered, and labor had been a very healing and empowering process for me afterall -- especially with how much DH stepped up and in. But I seem to have done a lot of bad things in a past life for things to still have gone downhil the way they did! Luckily my midwives and therapist have all been in touch a lot since then because they understood everything since I'd been open with them throughout pregnancy, and I'm not completely done with DH because he ended up in tears and showing some vulnerability through this process which was unexpected.

But... yeah. I said the shitty silver lining in all of this was I didn't have much time to be sad or disappointed because I had that whole debacle to get through/take my mind off it. And classic "what fresh hell is this?" type stuff for me. Lol. Sigh.

[simkan]

ABC I'm so happy your recovery is going well and that your fears of not feeling the same towards your boy didn't come. So glad you're doing well!
Tp I'm also really happy to hear you have bounced back physically. Makes such a difference.
Sounds like quite the ordeal at the hospital. I understand how you felt let down by dh for jumping to that extreme. I guess the upside is he cared. I'm sure it came from a good place. Knowing how you felt I think you are doing brilliantly and I know there is a baby boy in this universe waiting for you. And hes so lucky to have sisters waiting to help you take care of him.
Eighme I wouldn't worry. I lost my mucus plug 10 days before I had tia. But it wasnt clear. It was pink. I was told not to worry unless it was bright red. The morning she was born it was very bloody.
Apparently it can come out and grow back. And your waters can stay intact without it.

Guys I forgot to say tia is home. She was released at 37weeks. Its been a few days and so far amazing.

Hope the rest of you are all feeling good!

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[4blue2pink]

this is amazing news simkan!! so glad Tia is home how are you doing? i hope everything is going well for you, you've been through so much xx

[gafan]

TP, oh my, what an ordeal! You are handling all of this so well. I am glad to hear you are starting to feel fond of your baby.


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[gafan]

simkan, Yay! I am glad to hear Tia is home.



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[4blue2pink]

Thanks for asking 4blue -- and ABC, I am so glad to hear things are better though how scary to have needed the transfusion! I hope you get a chance to process all of that even with the stress and time of taking care of 4 now!

I'm doing ok. I recovered amazingly -- no tears and a quick, med free labor seemed to have been the trick for me as I had minimal bleeding (practically nonexistent) and I feel almost as if I didn't just have a baby! And baby M (we did use that name ty for paying attention hehe!) being so overdue actually was a blessing in disguise as nursing and even sleep have been much better than I expected. Bonding is also better than expected -- I feel my best description is "I feel fond" even if I don't yet have the same feelings I did with first DD, the sort of "extension of myself" type stuff. And DD is enamored of her, which has helped me feel I made the right decision overall here.

Which, I wanted to PM you about all of this 4blue since your shared words helped me so much. I feel pretty resolved that now, after going through all of this, I will do what I need to do to get a son and not suffer through what I did before. I'm still sort of plotting through what I'll do going forward (GS IUI is still on my mind, especially since we live quite close to a clinic), or if I'll just go onwards and see what happens. Maybe DH's lifestyle changes might help, afterall, and next go will be lucky odds -- who knows. But I feel very strongly that I will do what I need to do to keep mentally and physically safe and healthy next go around, which I am constantly thinking about.

Which brings me to my summary of my traumatic stuff: on day of discharge, I had my own hormonal/postpartum come down and cried for maybe 5 minutes in the shower at the hospital. It was over just everything and I just needed to get it out. DH rushed and got a nurse out of concern when he heard me, and nurse told him it was super normal because of hormones.

DH, in all his... everything... said, "She's got a history of depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm worried she's going to kill herself because we didn't have a boy."

This, of course, triggered hospital protocol and I ended up being put on a 24 hour hold, having to dredge up so much of my private GD and history of mental illness over and over to hospital staff and involved me over and over saying, "I just cried for 5 minutes!" and defending myself -- luckily nurses and midwives all vouched for me over and over, but they couldn't trump the domino effect and I still had to ride out the hospital protocol.

It was awful. I had been doing ok all things considered, and labor had been a very healing and empowering process for me afterall -- especially with how much DH stepped up and in. But I seem to have done a lot of bad things in a past life for things to still have gone downhil the way they did! Luckily my midwives and therapist have all been in touch a lot since then because they understood everything since I'd been open with them throughout pregnancy, and I'm not completely done with DH because he ended up in tears and showing some vulnerability through this process which was unexpected.

But... yeah. I said the shitty silver lining in all of this was I didn't have much time to be sad or disappointed because I had that whole debacle to get through/take my mind off it. And classic "what fresh hell is this?" type stuff for me. Lol. Sigh.

Yay for amazing recovery TP ive been very lucky to never tear and have always found the physical recovery very easy too, the only thing that gets me now is the after-pains!!
ooohhhhh you used the name!! i LOVE that name, its so beautiful, i bet little miss M is just divine!! and "fond" is a great place to be at this early stage im really happy to hear your feeling that way towards her already, you absolutely did the right thing for your DD1, M is a total gift to her and now, as you say, you can plan towards safely trying for your boy with all the pressure of not wanting DD1 to be an only child/not wanting her to be too much older than a sibling removed.
Im sorry you went through all that drama at the hospital that was the last thing you needed and dh misinterpreted things hugely!! those pp comedowns are rough!! and make us look unhinged when it is actually normal but his recognising your sadness at not having a boy and then being upset himself seems a world away from what you have battled through with him up to now.. maybe he finally see's that you have given him 2 girls despite everything, maybe he will finally be on board with actually helping you in getting your boy. I really hope so!! and it sounds like you have some new possible options to consider which is exciting
PM me whenever you want too, im always here and thankyou for updating, ive been thinking of you and was worried you might be in a very dark place like i was after DS2, but you sound like you are doing amazing keep going forward one step at a time, if the hope and process of planning your next move to your boy is what helps keep you going then keep hoping and planning!! as they say, dream until your dreams come true xx

[Noemi2017]

Simkan congrats Tia is back home Abc i hope u feel already better Tp nice to hear you are trying to find the way to your daughter M Im thinking every day about my baby, is it boy or girl? I will be happy with both but if it is girl my dream come true and i will thanks to God till end of my life

[Eighme]

Simkan, I'm so glad Tis is home! I hope your both doing well!

TP, it's great to hear from you. You've been on my mind. I'm in the same boat in regards to gender and how I will get my desired gender on our third child. Husband is on board for a third and for adoption...not sure how he feels about gender selection since that would require travel. But both are my only options in proceeding with a third because we cant have four and I dont want to "gamble" on trying again. But I'm so glad you're working through everything and that DD is turning out to be such a good baby for you!

Everyone else, cant wait for more babies and I clearly am just ready to be done with getting excited over a mucus plug
Not long now!

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[Noemi2017]

Eighme im also thinking about third baby if i am able to have...but more is on my mind adoption. Here are so few children available and it is not possible get baby through adoption if you have your own children I will try to look in other countries, i hope i will have luck