Do you think getting the desired gender takes away some of the bond you have with the other gender?

[chocolate]

Hi, I just wondered if anyone else worries that if they got the desired gender, if it would change the bond/relationship you have with your other children and if you would feel guilty.

I have 3 boys and can see the difference in relationships between my OH's Mum and him, and his mum and sister. She hardly has anything to do with my OH (he isn't that interested) but see's her daughter about 4 times a week and goes on holiday with her.
My Mum probably has similar relationships with me and my brother, she enjoys football etc. and they share interests so sometimes it actually felt like he was favoured - but she see's my children more than his ....

I just worry that if I do get a daughter, if my boys will eventually feel pushed out (even if I try my hardest for that not to happen) compared to if I never had a girl. Id hate to have different relationships with them as I think sibling rivalry is something everyone goes through at some point, but would hate for them to feel like I preferred the girl over them.

What do you think?

[Mrs_P]

I think your relationship with all of your kids will be different as they are different people but i think the fact that worried about loving one more than the other means your such a caring mom you wouldn't let it happen, your obviously in love your boys, a girl won't change that.

I know one mom lucky enough to have b, b, b, g - my dream and she said she loves her children equally, having the little girl took away the sadness and filled the whole which made her a better mom as that pull had gone and that i made her closer to all her children but she loves them all equally just for different reasons.

I did worry when i was pregnant with ds2 i wouldn't love him as much as ds1 but i did, more than i loved ds1 when he was born in some ways as i had learn't how to be a mother and how to have that unconditional love for another person. I love all my boys equally but different things about each of them, a girl would compliment that not take away any of those feelings

[Mum23boys]

I couldn't have put it better mrs p

[Claire33]

I think it's important just to have a focus on having an equal relationship with all your children, make an effort to see all your grandkids equally, phone and visit all your kids as equally as possible. I think a lot of mothers of adult daughters just assume that they are more welcome with their daughters than with their sons and DIL's. So then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Many mothers think "A son is a son until he finds him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life". The MIL of a friend of mine told this to her son and he got really hurt that his mother said this. Believe me, my sons are my sons for the rest of my life and I'll be doing my best to be a great MIL to my future DIL's. Yes, I am afraid of the fact that daughters tend to lean towards their own mothers, but I'm going to be the best MIL I can be, so that they will come visit me too! (I assume I will never get a DD)

The important thing is that you are aware that you want to treat all your children equally, regardless of gender, then I think everything will be ok!

[nuthinbutpink]

No. You appreciate the kids for whom they are. I wanted a boy badly but now I embrace all the pink/girly stuff. I think you simply love them for who they are and gender becomes a non-issue.

[Dana-Alicia]

Agree with the other ladies here. I don't look at my children as being boy's, I see them for who they are. I did worry if I could love DS2 as much as DS1. But I'm sure I would have felt the same if he was a she. A mother's love is so strong, how could I feel like this for another child? My heart would probably not take it and explode! But he showed me that my heart is very capable of loving both my children equally. And if we ever have a daughter, she will be equally loved. She will be no different from her brothers

[Mochagirl]

Before I had my daughter, I think I resisted anything that would bring out the 'boyishness' of my 3 boys, instead trying to encourage activities and games that were more in line with what I enjoyed as a child. Whenever they got too rowdy I started to resent the fact that I was surrounded by testosterone, and I'd also resent it when DH bonded with them over sports or rough physical games. Now that I have a girl, the pressure's off. I feel I can appreciate and celebrate their boyishness, just as I can enjoy my dd's girlishness. I love each and every one of them so much.


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[chocolate]

Thabks for the replies, your all right, I think it has strengthened the desire to treat my boys equally even if I had a girl I would want to spend as much time with them all and their children too. Makes me look at the relationship my OH has with his family compared to his sister and think what a shame his mum feels like she can't have the same relationship with him and our kids.

And Mocha, your so right - when I thought we wouldn''t do pgd I resented some of the 'typical boy' things but now I know a girl can be in our future, I embrace it.

Sometimes I think Mums who go through gender desire, go on to appreciate the differences more as your made more aware of them and make more of an effort as were afraid of our gender desire effecting the relationships with our other children we already have.

[Cinss]

No way the bond with the first kids are already established, then when DG comes along i cant see that changing.

[auroara78]

No, I feel like since DD has been born, I actually appreicate and enjoy my boys more! Similiar to what Mocha said, I feel I can embrace them more fully for "who" they are and I'm less wrapped up in gender.