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[jark22]

I also want to say- with regard to what Claire said- that I should hope all women with sons that they should strive to have a relationship with their sons (as Claire stated). I think a lot of times women with boys and girls form a stronger subconscious bond with their girls because it's easier. Many women who have girls or find out they are having a girl breathe a sigh of relief because they know they will have that type of relationship with at least one child. But it's important to have that same kind of relationship with all of your children - regardless of gender. You should be the same type of mother to your boys as you would to your girls. You should be the same type of grandma to your sons' kids as you will be to your daughters' kids. Find activities to do with each of your kids based on their interests not just based on their gender. A lot of life is what we make of it. Just because you will never be a maternal grandma is no reason to sit on the sidelines as a paternal grandma.

Sorry if this is jumbled or doesn't make sense. I am preggo with my third boy and maybe a little more emotional about this topic than I would normally be. I just refuse to believe that my life will be any less than it would have been if this baby was a girl. My boys are awesome and I am determined to do everything I can to maintain a good, close relationship with each one of them.

[my4leafclover]

I understand how you feel void. I really hate when people try to comfort me by saying something about being a grandparent to a granddaughter some day. It is not the same. What ever it may b, however special it will not take away completely this gd.

[Claire33]

Void - you should remember that your DIL is only a child, she is 18 (?) years old and your son is not much older. She is still in her mother's lap and your son kind of has to go with the flow. They are in a crisis situation and your DIL goes where she's been going for 18 years, her own mom. It's ok! I totally understand that you were hurt when gramdma was chosen to babysit over you. I would have been hurt too. But it's important to say to your son that you would love to babysit and please ask again. Let them know that you're there for them at any time, and even suggest a specific day that you could babysit. Or a specific day every week that you can take the baby for a few hours. Invite them over for dinner so they don't have to cook themselves that day.

Talking on FB and cooking together with a daughter, I severely doubt this is the case when the daughter is 18. I can only assume such a relationship comes when the daughter matures more. The same with a son. You have become a grandmother in a crisis situation. It's not the same as becoming a paternal grandmother when your son and DIL are 30 and have everything in their lives in order. You might get to have another experience next time you become a grandmother, if your son and DIL are older, or with your other sons.

Have you asked your son how he is doing? Have you tried to be close to him instead of focusing on what you don't have (ie. a daughter)? Have you tried to make a pizza with your younger sons, had a movie night with them and made nachos and popcorn? I mean there are so many things you can do to have a close relationship with them. Even if it isn't the same as with a daughter, it might be better in some ways. They say the mother-son relationship is less complicated than the mother-daughter relationship. My mom and I are not close, she is just too critical and negative. You don't have a guarantee that you would have been close to a daughter.

My aunt has no kids and is very sad about that. She doesn't have any sons or daughters to give her grandkids. She will always and forever be "alone" and sad that she never had ANY kids. I guess I'm just happy that I have kids and hopefully will get some grandkids. Ok, nothing is perfect, but at least I'm not sad in the way my aunt is, who has no children at all.

THehappypixi - I can understand fears about sons moving abroad or far away. I just think ok, then all the better reason to travel and make trips (I love traveling). But of course, having someone there day to day is good. But girls also move away too. I just think the more kids I get, the higher chance of having grandkids and at least one of my kids will live close by

[thehappypixi]

Yes maybe if I have a couple more, the odds of one sticking around are greater.
I know it's all just pie in the sky stuff, I have a very long list (I actually made one!) of reasons Id like a girl. My boys are my children first and foremost, they are my world

My husband is the one who stuck around out of his siblings, we live 5 mins from his mum, his two sisters and their hord of girls live down south. So I know in my head its not always the case that boys leave We are also 5 mins from his dads mum, and I often take the boys to see her, so don't forget great grand kiddies too! ;D

[coocoobananas]

My parents dote on my brother and my sister and I feel somewhat left out because we are the girls!! I am very close with my mom but I actually think its cause I'm the baby! Not at all that I'm a girl!
I for some reason have never been afraid of not having a close relationship with my boys, like at all! There's the 'mamas boy' but I haven't heard of 'mamas girl'
We just can't have expectations of what our relationships will be, they are all individuals, their sex does not determine how they will love us! My 2 boys are so different in so many ways and I know out if 3, I will defiantly be super close to one if not all... They have no choice really

[Pangea]

This is what I am afraid of, and is the main reason I want a daughter - for an adult mother daughter relationship and maternal grandchildren.

However, in my case my children are closer to their paternal grandparents because we live closer to them. My DH has an excellent relationship with his mother and talks to her nearly every day.
My MIL doesn't have a great relationship with her daughter. It would break my heart if I had a daughter who treated me the way my SIL treats her. I have a closer relationship with MIL than SIL does.

I know that my situation is the exception rather than the rule, but it does go to show that there are no guarantees. You could have a daughter who you don't get on with, who has no children, or who moves to the other side of the world.

If I never have a daughter I will be very disappointed. But I think if I end up with 3 or 4 sons then there is a good chance that at least one of them will be close to me as an adult.

I think Claires advice is excellent.

[sbmommy]

I also have a very good relationship with my MIL, and she was actually present at the birth of DD1 when my own mother was not! I wanted my mom to be present, but it was just as important to my DH that his mom was there too, that I agreed. And she was the only one that made it in time! She will probably be there to watch DD2 when she is born this March, if she wants to be.

I think we get along so well and she sees my DD so often because she does so many of the things on Claire's list. She is always supportive and never pushy, and never tries to give me advice on how I should parent my own kids. She also calls us a couple of times a month and asks us if we would like to have a date night, and offers to babysit. She also arranges lunches and "cookies with the grandkids" days, so she gets to see a lot of her grandkids pretty often.

My DH is her youngest baby boy (he is 42) so she has grandkids ranging from 23 years old down to 2 (my DD1 is her youngest grandkid, the next youngest is 9 years old) so I guess she has had a lot of years of practice being a grandma, and I think she learned the hard way years ago on what works as far as trying to be involved in her grandkids' lives. My DH has 2 older sisters who do not have great relationships with my MIL, and she lost out on some years of her grandkids' lives (my SILs have 6 kids between them, almost all girls).

I guess my point is you have time, lots of time to grow into your role as grandma, and you may end up being really close to one of your DILs, and even end up doing lots of girly things with granddaughters! My MIL sure didn't have this experience with her first grandkids, but she definitely has it now.

One thing my MIL has always had is a wonderful relationship with her son, my DH. They have been very close for most of his adult life (after his wild teens and early twenties) and they talk and/or see each other almost every day. Their relationship is one of the biggest reasons why I am suffering such painful GD and mourning my own inability to have a son. I so desperately want my own "Mama's Boy" to love, honor, and protect me for his entire life, to compare every woman he ever meets to (I swear, if I have to hear one more time about how wonderful my MIL cooks, and how amazing she was raising 4 kids all on her own while FIL worked day and night, how much cleaner her house is, how strong and positive a woman she is... I will never live up to my MIL in my husdband's eyes)... I hated my own mother during high school and all through my twenties. At 38, I am just now starting to develop a friendship with her. I am afraid I will lose my daughters when they are teens, too, and I won't have a strong mother/daughter relationship either! Women with sons aren't the only women who have this fear.

[fish2012]

claire i am stealing you plan!

void - please consider maybe with the help of your dh he sounds lovely if there are things you can do to improve the situation. My boys are closer to my MIL than my mother (don't tell her she thinks mother mother rules ;-0) the reasons are i think 1. geographical, 2. fun 3.naughty treats mainly icecream, 4. more relaxed disapline (not sure if that's good) 4. suggesting fun day trips 5.looking after boys whilst i work and attending church together. Could you offer child care/lifts to school/a grannie saturday.....

As clare says my mil is geniuinly a nicer person i will try and be like her - however i think she worries about offering help or impossing now i have two kids i don't care i ask her for help!

i will say to my DIL i wanted a girl so much i am sorry if i crowd you but i won't act like the mil with my grandkids i will just be the best grandparent i can be - I know can't and don't want to replace your mother but I will offer my help, love and support - if i'm too much have my son tell me (or my dh ;-)

good luck void you've made me sad cause i thought what you've said would be true but you've made me more deterimed to make sure i may the best of the situation starting now!

to you all thank you that you all share it gives us all strength xx

[pebmcpd7]

thankyou ladies
you all sound so caring and loving thanks for your understanding.Your posts made me cry.

Never thought of this before, and it is scaring me thinking of this down the road!!

[luckylass]

Another one here who is close to her MIL. I have two boys who adore both nana (my mum) and nanny (dh's mum) and love spending time with both. My MIL has her own daughter but I have always included her in what I am doing and when we got married she came with me to pick my wedding cake, looked at dresses with me and I went with her to look at outfits for her to wear to the wedding. Now I love my own mum to bit but do my MIL too as she always offers to help and is always there for us without us feeling under a compliment to ask. My SIL on the other hand is not close to her mother at all so it is hard to generalise. All you can do is be the type of grandmother you want to be and if you show you are there for them (not saying you don't) but I bet they will be thrilled and love you so much for it.