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[little_quickstepper]

void, just a thought: would you be a *better* MIL to your current DIL if you had had a daughter? From my personal experience, and I come with a LOT of in-law baggage, you have to work at these in-law relationships.

My MIL has a pigeon pair, a DD and a DS (my DH). That side of the family come from a culture where the mother-daughter relationship is *so* important that it defines who will carry on that culture for the next generation, as in the old days you could never prove paternity. She and her DD are close, yes, and have a fairly good mother-daughter bond but she has never particularly worked at her relationship with me, her only DIL. Maybe she's never seen the need for it. I am from a very different culture and whilst my DH and I fell in love despite the differences in our upbringing, my MIL has never adapted to even asking me what I like to eat, what it was like for me growing up, what things are important to me... let alone go shopping, go for a manicure or a coffee or anything. My own mother died when I was 12 (another complex reason in my desire for a DD, I want to experience the bond that the universe took from under my feet all those years ago, that I had started with my own mother and then could never continue). So although I don't exactly want a replacement mother figure, there is room on my MIL's part for just getting to know me as a person. She just sees me as the bearer of "another boy". She is over at her DD's all the time, has been hassling her for years to have a kid, and my SIL has just gotten pregnant with her first through IVF at age 39. My FIL has openly said to my DH, his son, "Your mum and I just both *know* deep down that she (my SIL) will have a girl." I feel sorry for my boys, because they adore my MIL as she's the only grandmother they've got, and she does spoil them when she sees them but I'm afraid of them being sidelined in the future for her own DD's kid(s) when they arrive.

Maybe through your sadness and through my story you could gently work on your relationship with your DIL. I think if you explain to her that you never had a DD and you want to spoil her rotten, then most women would understand that. And your DIL pretty much controls access to your grandkids (that's the awful truth for most people).

I'm sorry if in a way that's not what you wanted to hear. My point of view mainly comes from the other side of the fence as a DIL, but I felt so sad reading your story and I wondered, if I were in your situation in 20 years' time, how I would get through it.

[Bigwish]

Void, you describe exacty the reason why i want a girl so hardly. I personally, speek to my mother very often, and i preferred her babysitting because i told my mother all my, not main******, opinions about baby feeding and raising (for example: not letting them cry to sleep). My MIL has sligthly more outdated opinions, in my opinion. BUT i love her very very much. So, now the kids are somewhat older i really want them to go to my MIL and FIL, but for some reason i think my MIL prefers her grandchildren of my SIL more than mine.... I just wish she is more open about that she also loves the kids of her son (like my FIL is). And maybe she is thinking that i prefer my mother more, and so on. And in this manner we'll keep on thinking things about each other. So my advise would be to be open about your feelings to your son and DIL. Imagine that my MIL is thinking that she sees my children not often enough, but if she never tell me, i can never know she's feeling that way...

[wildwooddays]

That's a shame I was always very close to my paternal grandmother, more so than my mom's mom. She passed away five years ago but I miss her so much still. Trust me, if you continue to be there for your grandchildren, they won't forget it and you will still have a special relationship with them, even when they are grown up.

[Mathilde]

Void: thank you for representing probably thousands of paternal grandmothers. It's is one of my fears: boys run into the world and it is the mothers job to follow and be close, girls go out, but come back. Tying hard to come to terms with this being my future, however hard I try to change my mindset. Claire: I agree totally, have decided to "swallow" my future D'sIL

[secretly sad]

I think you are just going to have to try and remember that you are not alone. There are hundreds of us on this forum who will be in exactly the same situation one day. As a child, and even to this day, my sister and I were so much closer to my fathers mother. My mother was the youngest of 5 children and she was the only girl but she was never that close to her mother (partly because of the age difference as my gran was 45 when she was born). We saw very little of her mother when we were children. My oldest son has an unbelievable strong bond with my MIL and is fiercely protective of her. So its not a foregone conclusion that anybodys grandchildren will be closer to their maternal grandmother. X

[Pink rose]

This really scares me as my children are much closer to my mother she has lots of time for them, picks them up from school & minds then whenever, they love spending time with her. This is one of the reasons I want a daughter so badly.

[Mrs_P]

I am so sorry for your pain......I am not a grandmother, but I have already sensed that I will feel the way you described when I am a grandmother. Friends and family know I am sad that I don't have a girl and they always say...."well, you will have and love granddaughters!!!" My response has always been (and you confirmed it)....It is not the same thing. Grandchildren are GENERALLY closer to their maternal grandparents for the fact that the kids are always with their mother and their mom will go visit her mom way more often than her mother in law. My boys LOVE my mom and get so excited to see her. They love DH mother too, but not in the same way. When we used to live near both grandma's I took the kids to see my mother in law and she came to greet the boys at the car and to my horror, my 2 year old started crying kicking and screaming...."I want to see gammy (my mom) not Nana!!" I felt so awful for my mother in law. She said, "Oh it's ok honey you can see gammy next" but I know it killed her.
With that said, I am sure you are a wonderful grandmother, but I must mention that it can also depend on what kind of grandparent a person is. My mother in law loves my boys for about 10 minutes when we get to her house, then moves on with doing her own thing. My mother on the other hand is on the floor playing with them, taking them on walks, and scavenger hunts, at night she turns all the lights off and the gather together on the floor with a flashlight, shine it on the wall and make shadow ducks, dogs, and airplanes project on the wall. She is just way more involved with the kids and they prefer her because of it.

But still, I fear no matter how hard I try or how good of a grandmother I am, kids are most often naturally closer to their maternal grandmother. I wish it wasn't this way and I am so sorry for you. I know I shouldn't be thinking of this already, but I know I will be right where you are some day! I am so sorry!

Firstly i am so sorry you feel that way, i must admit even at 30 it was one of my biggest fears for when my boys grow. That being said i do think Thorz makes a great point. My hubby is so close to his family, our boys naturally are to. I have always been very close to my mom so both sets of grandparents are very hands on - i spend a lot of time with my mom and the boys and my mil has the children whilst i am at work. But kids are fickle my boys prefer my mom but only really because she makes a lot more effort with them. On the other hand they adore my father in law.

It may not be as an easy of a relationship to foster as you have to have the mother on side to but there is no reason why you can't be close. My mother hated my grandmother as she was not her mother (her mother died when i was little and she hated that my granddads new wife replaced her) but besides from my mother she was the only other female i really had that bond with growing up because she was always there for me and i remained close to her until she died a few years back - i never bonded with aunts or my other nan in the same way, even though the relationship was discouraged by my mother.

On the other hand though although i understand what you are going through, a daughter is no guarantee of being close to your grandkids. My mother in law is so much closer to our children than she is to my sister in law's kids (her daughter) as they never really got on - not the way my hubby does with her.

I think the shoe can be hard to wear sometimes whichever foot it is on and in some ways i know my mom is jealous of my mother in law as although she drives me up the wall, her heart is in the right place and we do get on and does she does a lot for us and our boys in ways that my parents never have.

But above all don't give up on your grandkids - it maybe hard when they are little especially if you feel like their mum is fighting against you but as they grow they will make their own minds up and choose for themselves who they spend time with and if you put the time in and show them the love you obviously feel for them, they won't forget it - i never did with my grandmother and that must have been so hard for her

[Claire33]

Void, how are things going now? How is your situation? I would love an update!

[SpicyTunaSushi]

I just want to add that my DDs are much closer to my MIL/paternal grandmother than my own mom. So am I. She had only boys too. I think the grandmother who pursues the grandchildren develop close bonds.

I would have invited my MIL to my births in a second if it had been possible.

[atomic sagebrush]

I just want to add that my DDs are much closer to my MIL/paternal grandmother than my own mom. So am I. She had only boys too. I think the grandmother who pursues the grandchildren develop close bonds.

I would have invited my MIL to my births in a second if it had been possible.

Me too (well not to the births as I really didn't want anyone there!). My sister's MIL was at my nephew's birth and my mom was at my brother's girlfriend's birth (her mom died when she was young) I so wish my in-laws could have come to visit in the hospital!!