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[Thorz300]

I am so sorry for your pain......I am not a grandmother, but I have already sensed that I will feel the way you described when I am a grandmother. Friends and family know I am sad that I don't have a girl and they always say...."well, you will have and love granddaughters!!!" My response has always been (and you confirmed it)....It is not the same thing. Grandchildren are GENERALLY closer to their maternal grandparents for the fact that the kids are always with their mother and their mom will go visit her mom way more often than her mother in law. My boys LOVE my mom and get so excited to see her. They love DH mother too, but not in the same way. When we used to live near both grandma's I took the kids to see my mother in law and she came to greet the boys at the car and to my horror, my 2 year old started crying kicking and screaming...."I want to see gammy (my mom) not Nana!!" I felt so awful for my mother in law. She said, "Oh it's ok honey you can see gammy next" but I know it killed her.
With that said, I am sure you are a wonderful grandmother, but I must mention that it can also depend on what kind of grandparent a person is. My mother in law loves my boys for about 10 minutes when we get to her house, then moves on with doing her own thing. My mother on the other hand is on the floor playing with them, taking them on walks, and scavenger hunts, at night she turns all the lights off and the gather together on the floor with a flashlight, shine it on the wall and make shadow ducks, dogs, and airplanes project on the wall. She is just way more involved with the kids and they prefer her because of it.

But still, I fear no matter how hard I try or how good of a grandmother I am, kids are most often naturally closer to their maternal grandmother. I wish it wasn't this way and I am so sorry for you. I know I shouldn't be thinking of this already, but I know I will be right where you are some day! I am so sorry!

[thehappypixi]

That is so upsetting to read It's a fear of many of us here, I think the grandchild issue is a fairly big one to me too. I know how differently I treat my mother and mother in law when it comes to my children, not in a nasty way, I love my mother in law, I just naturally go to my mum, it's only natural.
Thankfully myself I am quite a Tom boy and I love to do everything with my boys and can't wait till they are older to go camping and playing outdoors
I still hope for a girl, and I'm going to try my damnedest. Fortunately I am not religious, Im putting it all down to science and luck.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am so sorry I think what you are experiencing is a very real fear for many of the women on here. You have certainly hit on what was my biggest fear about not having a daughter. Have you considered being a "big sister" to a girl in your area. It sounds like I might help a bit, being able to incorporate a bit of pink in your life. Not saying (at all) that it will replace the loss of not having a daughter. Or will even allow you to experience a wedding or birth from a maternal sense. But it could let you enjoy shopping, manicures, and doing hair while giving a little girl who needs a good role model a place to feel pampered and doted upon.

I believe my aunt, who has two sons, is having similar issues because her daughter-in-laws are not very loving or forthcoming with her. And my aunt is a fabulous person. So I do think that sometimes it can be the best people being shut out.

[alreadyneedivf]

I just wanted to add that it could change. I grew up closer to my paternal grandparents, as they lived closer to me. Also, now my son is very close with my DH's parents. They come in twice a month, FaceTime all the time, and buy him all of his clothing. They saw him just as soon as my parents did when he was born. Since having my sons, my relationship with my MIL seriously has become like mother/daughter. Yes, she has her own daughter, but I talk to her more often than her own daughter. Just because you do not have that type of relationship with this grandkid, does not mean that you may not have it with another one.

[Claire33]

This is a very sad post and definitely my biggest fear. I have therefore decided to do the following (when I have adult sons in many many years to come):

1. I am going to be the best, most loving, caring, fun grandmother I can be to the grandkids. My mother plays with the kids, initiates games and outings. My MIL waits for the kids to come to her. Believe me, my MIL is a much nicer person than my own mom, but she sits with her knitting or a book and when the kids ask to play she will, but she won't initiate any activities (she thinks it's best for kids to come to her, I see that it just doesn't work).

2. I am going to OFFER to take care of my grandkids, and help my sons & DILs when necessary. One of the greatest thing of grandparents is the help you can get. My mother offers her help, my MIL waits for us to ask. Of course we say yes to the offers of help, rather than ask for help. If my MIL was better at offering to help/babysit, she would probably be seeing the kids more often. My own mother is not as kind to my kids as my MIL, but since she offers her help more often, she gets to see them more often.

3. I am not going to compete with my DILs own mother. My DILs is entitled to having her own mother and being close to her own mother. I will try not to get hurt if she favours her own mother, because you just can't compete, you might as well give up and get out of the competition since it's a losing battle anyway. I have my sons, THEY are my children, and I will strive to be close to THEM. I will also try to be close with my DILs, but I will to my best not to be hurt if they prefer their own mothers. I will just be happy with what I get rather than unhappy with what I don't get.

4. I will not be critical to the upbringing of my grandkids. It's just none of my business, I am here only to support my son and DIL.

5. I can do activities with my sons that we both enjoy. Ok, no manicures, but maybe a movie? Maybe a lunch or a coffee? Maybe one of my sons will like to cook? I personally don't do anything like this with my own mother. Not all mothers and daughters are close or have shared interests.

6. I will accept that teenage boys might be more distant from their mothers for a while, 5 years or so?? That's ok. Maybe girls hate their own mothers at this age and will be in active conflict rather than ignore their mothers like boys do? Ok, I won't be able to share all of their interests, but that's fine. I will probably become more close to my sons when they become fathers themselves, just like if I had had a daughter and she became a mother. I will try and show as much interest in their male interests as possible. Also focusing on their education and encouraging them is very important.

7. OK, I might not ever be able to be there during a birth, but that's ok, birth sucks anyway

8. Even if I'll be second best after my DILs own mother, I will be the best d*** second best I can be.

9. My sons will know that I love them, their partners and their kids unconditionally, no matter what. I will do everything I can to accept my DILs, even if they are very different from me and used to different ways of parenting or housekeeping. My way is not always the best.

10. I will invite them over for dinner and other activities regularly. I will also have a big enough house for them to stay over and have toys and keep it clean, so that they all want to be there. Obviously no smoking or other disgusting habits!

11. I will build up my own life and hobbies next to my kids and grandkids. I will work, travel and have fun with my DH and girlfriends. My life and happiness will not depend on my kids.

These things help me think of how I will deal with future issues with grandkids and DILs. I will have to accept that I won't ever have the "ideal" mother daughter relationship. Even having a daughter won't guarantee this. I don't have this with my own mother AT ALL. I will accept "my place", whatever this will be, take it with grace, and you never know, I might end up being a substitute mother to one of my DILs who might not have a great relationship with their own mother.

[nuthinbutpink]

PHENOMINAL post, Claire!

Things do change. My in laws are fab and offer to help anytime. My parents are usually "busy". Keep being there, available and you can play a huge role in your grandchildrens' lives.

[thehappypixi]

Ahhhh great post. I echo everything you say!
I guess for me, the bigger fear is that I won't get any grand kiddies lol! My brother is galavanting in Australia and looks like never settling, and my uncle left and had a family in New Zealand. So to me, the men in my family don't stick around That's my big fear of an all boy family

[mrs magoo]

Great plan and post Claire!

[jark22]

Claire- you are awesome! You just took the words straight out of my mouth!