It's not them, it's ME

[begonia]

So I had my 6 week post-baby check-up today and my doc asked if we were planning to have more (we were discussing birth control options) and I almost started crying. I REALLY want to have another. I really like the idea of having 4 kids. Last night we were at a fundraiser seated next to a couple with 4, and I was just loving talking to them and hearing about all their craziness. I had a rocky childhood and I think in some ways having my own kids is like therapy ... I finally get to have the family I wanted to have as a kid, only I'm the parent And in many ways that's better

Anyhow I feel completely hampered by the gender desire though. I can't BEAR the idea of having FOUR kids and never having a son. It's gotten worse with every daughter I have. I adore them, and when I put the title as it's not them it's me, I meant this isn't about THEM. I love them, they're awesome and I couldn't ask for better character/personality traits in children. But I want a son. I want to see my DH (and me) raise a young man to be as wonderful as his father. I have an older brother who rocks, and I want my girls to have a relationship with a brother. It BITES to feel like I can't have a 4th because I can't get past the gender desire.

And to be totally, 100% vulnerably honest ... I feel like a biological failure for NOT having a boy already. I can only imagine how that will compound if I have a 4th DD. Every study I read reinforces that for lack of a better summary word, "better" people have sons. And more boys are born than girls. So while I KNOW without a doubt that I AM fertile/healthy, I AM smart, I AM successful (and super modest, LOL) ... everything I read when it comes to swaying makes me feel like I'm a loser for having 3DD and no DS. A 4th DD would cement that perception for me. Like I said, I KNOW that isn't true about myself or my DH, but it FEELS that way, and I hate having to do daily affirmations to remind myself that 1) it doesn't really matter what some study says, and 2) I'm awesome regardless of the gender of my children

Having swayed hard and still gotten an opposite I just feel like I want the impossible. I know there are others here who get that, and some of you swayed again with success and some of you still didn't get your dream, but either way, I admire the courage it took you to go through it again. I'm not sure I can get there. We've talked seriously about adoption and that honestly might be the path we take. I would love to adopt ... but I would also love to go through pregnancy/childbirth/infancy again, and if we adopt it will be a toddler so I'll miss all that. But I would get to parent a son, and that child would gain a family with 3 adoring sisters. Trade-offs.

Anyhow I don't think there are really any answers, but it helps to get it all out sometimes. Thanks for reading my super long whine

[begonia]

I will add that the irony is BEFORE I swayed, all those studies made me feel like I was a shoe-in for having a boy, because in so many ways DH and are geared towards that gender. But CLEARLY we aren't, LOL.

[Zivic-Bubac]

I can't BEAR the idea of having FOUR kids and never having a son. It's gotten worse with every daughter I have. It BITES to feel like I can't have a 4th because I can't get past the gender desire.

And to be totally, 100% vulnerably honest ... I feel like a biological failure for NOT having a boy already. I can only imagine how that will compound if I have a 4th DD. Every study I read reinforces that for lack of a better summary word, "better" people have sons. everything I read when it comes to swaying makes me feel like I'm a loser for having 3DD and no DS. A 4th DD would cement that perception for me. Like I said, I KNOW that isn't true about myself or my DH, but it FEELS that way

Having swayed hard and still gotten an opposite

Anyhow I don't think there are really any answers, but it helps to get it all out sometimes. Thanks for reading my super long whine

This EXACTLY! Thank you for writing my thoughts and feelings without my usual grammar/poor vocabulary mistakes

Adoption is a wonderful idea One of my cousins is adopted. The thing here is you can't express gender desire when you're adopting, it makes you automatically unfit to be a parent. So it won't work for me

Right now I'm torturing myself between 3 options: try again with hard-core sway, go HT or not having any more kids. DH is strongly for 3rd option
What's bothering me is how messed up I am: I think other family's with 3 girls are wonderful, but in my case it's unacceptable, and yes, I'm a biological failure to produce only girls.

Right now I'm obsessing over pencil test ( check Old Wives tales board) and I'm totally aware that's beyond pathetic....

Begonia, you are awesome, that's for sure

[RedCanoe]

Every study I read reinforces that for lack of a better summary word, "better" people have sons.

I don't care what study says that, that is just RIDICULOUS! And quite insulting to us as women, frankly, the idea that our parents must have been lacking somehow to have girls. Put that straight out of your head - NO ONE is thinking that about you!

But having three of the same kind I understand your desire for an opposite. *hugs*

[auroara78]

Begonia, I cannot express how similiar I feel too, and I find myself trying to express this all the time!! I do love my sons, it's not about them, and if I have a 3rd son, I know he'll be a beloved bundle, but it will not make my gender desire for a daughter go away. And I think for me a part of that comes from my mom being so up-down. There are a few weeks a time when she's really rational and I can talk and confide in her, and we got a nice loving relationship. Then there is weeks where she's a terror to everyone who talks to her, mean-spirited, whiny, etc. I guess what I crave in having a daughter is the ability to be consistent to a DD, who I will always be there for but also for who I will try to be a source of power for her to draw on, and not a drag like my own mother can be.

I now wish I was not the kid playing with Barbies dreaming about naming her own daughters. I wish I never had the idea of what it would mean to have that a daughter, never have a vision of cute little girls, because that has set up me for this dream that I feel is so hard to reach.

Personally, I know if this sway 'fails' (God, don't you love that word?) I will take a few years off and proabably try again, one last time, for a girl with swaying. I know a lot of it is *luck*. But for me, there is no other option. My husband and I are both not for HT (we cannot even afford it.) And he wouldn't adopt, he'd just want to try again naturally. Knowing how butt-headed my husband is, the only options for us in the future for a 4th is to try again naturally. Seeing Mochagirl and a few others who had 'failed sways' that tried again and gotten their DG, that gives me hope that there is always a chance for a 4th. Then again, I believe there is a lot of luck involved too.

I love what you wrote about raising a DS to be as sweet as your husband I do sincerely hope you get that opportunity one day!!!

[atomic sagebrush]

I don't care what study says that, that is just RIDICULOUS! And quite insulting to us as women, frankly, the idea that our parents must have been lacking somehow to have girls. Put that straight out of your head - NO ONE is thinking that about you!

But having three of the same kind I understand your desire for an opposite. *hugs*

That's not really what the studies are saying tho. People are putting that interpretation on them (just like how some of the boy moms feel like studies are making them out to be ugly, slutty, cold, unnurturing, bitchy, mannish, hairy-chinned hags).

What we have to always remember about studies, is that while they can help us cast light on overall trends that does NOT mean that we can extrapolate them to every instance, and we should always take care not to project our own emotions onto them. It's what happens in a person's body that sways and any lifestyle factors are only clues that can cast ~some~ light into what is going on in the body. Yes, there are studies that show that people's testosterone may drop after suffering a setback, but that DOES NOT mean that everyone who has low testosterone is in any way a "failure" because you can have lower than average T for many, many other reasons, some of which may even date back to prenatally and are totally out of our control.

[begonia]

Thanks friends... this place is the best

I think it's the whole TW thing being about mom's in "better" condition conceive boys, moms in "declining" condition conceive girls. No one wants to be in the declining condition category, LOL. And y'know, the women with stronger arms have more boys one, and the socioeconomic ones, low fertility, and people exposed to pesticides, radiation, etc have more girls ...that stuff. Like I said I know it isn't true about ME (or even my parents) but spend a day reading about how healthy people have boys and you start wondering WTH is wrong with you Especially when there are SO many more boys born than girls, nature herself seems to hate on me, LOL!

ZB I think we are emotional twins sometimes Sorry we're in this boat together hun! FWIW I too love other families with 3 (or more!) girls, I just didn't want it myself either! The wife of the couple I met last night, that I was saying I loved hearing about their 4 kids, was one of 3 girls. She ended up having BBBG. Anyhow she was telling me how awesome it was to grow up with 2 sisters so I love her now, and we're going to be BFF I had another lady last night who grew up GGGB telling me how much she loves her sisters too; they're also really close to their brother. It's always great for me to hear that, I didn't have any sisters so don't know what my girls are in for!

Auroara one thing you and others have really shown me, that I didn't see before these boards, is that having a poor relationship with my own mom doesn't define the one I'll have with my girls. Until reading others perspectives on why you want daughters, I had never thought about how healing it could be to have a healthy mother/daughter bond... even if I'm the mother and not the daughter. I feel blessed that I get the opportunity to be there for my girls in ways my mom never was or will be for me.

[Myloves]

I don't care what study says that, that is just RIDICULOUS! And quite insulting to us as women, frankly, the idea that our parents must have been lacking somehow to have girls. Put that straight out of your head - NO ONE is thinking that about you!

[Myloves]

Auroara one thing you and others have really shown me, that I didn't see before these boards, is that having a poor relationship with my own mom doesn't define the one I'll have with my girls. Until reading others perspectives on why you want daughters, I had never thought about how healing it could be to have a healthy mother/daughter bond... even if I'm the mother and not the daughter. I feel blessed that I get the opportunity to be there for my girls in ways my mom never was or will be for me.

Exactly! Your girls are so lucky to have you as their mum. I adore my sister to death, and we have always been close especially since our older sister passed away when we were kids. She has always been there for me during the worst times of my life. Which is why I wanted at least 2 girls (3 would have been better, as I wanted 3 kids, but 2 would've been good too), so that they could bond in the way only sisters can. I also wanted girls was because of the nice relationship I had with my own mother.

But I was given two sons instead who taught me alot about boys! They're lovely and they have a great bond - most of the time.

Btw, I still think you and Zivic super lucky to have three girls!

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I'm too nauseaus to type much...but love you gals and our understanding of each other!!!