Catching myself obsessing

[Halah]

Hi, I haven't posted much here yet. I have 3 boys and am pregnant with my 4th. I had pretty bad GD when I first found out he was a boy. Before getting pregnant and up until the day we got the news I had convinced myself that I would be happy either way. Then the day before results came in I stupidly got my hopes up after looking at an 11 week scan (I know, ridiculous). I was crushed when I got the news. I was in a dark place for a while, but have been coming out of it and am now looking forward to having another beautiful boy. I do love and appreciate boys so much, I just wanted one daughter in addition to them.

So, I was doing well until I found out my sister is expecting. She has 2 boys and having to hear her and everyone else talk about how this one HAS to be a girl has been really hard. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it. Every time her baby is referred to as a girl I feel like saying "oh, would another boy really be SO awful?" But I've learned to hide my GD because I don't want to be seen as the sad mom of all boys who is jealous (even though I am!). So I play along, pretending to hope she gets a girl since that's what she wants. And I know I should understand that and hope that she doesn't go through GD, but to be honest I can't muster those feelings up. I do want her to have another boy. I caught myself staring at her early U/S and just hoping it's a little boy. A lot of it has to do with the type of person/mom she is and the lifestyle she leads (don't want to get into details but let's just say it isn't an ideal environment for any child). It makes me angry to think that she could potentially be given the enormous responsibility and gift of raising a daughter.

Sorry this is so long. I'm just having such a hard time dealing with this. I'm kind of pissed too that her pregnancy is overshadowing my baby's impending arrival. I needed to let some of these thoughts out in a safe place so that I can hopefully let go and get back to focusing on my own baby, who I know will be as perfect and as loved as my other kids. I don't know if this post should be on this forum or the gender disappointment one. I thought here would be better because I'm not disappointed in this baby, but still have a strong desire for a girl.

Thanks to anyone who read all of this.

[TTC5]

Thanks for sharing with us, must have taken alot of courage to muster that up!!
I think you will find you are not alone here!!

[nuthinbutpink]

I still obsess over gender and I eventually got my DG. I think it is just *there* once you start and hard to get a handle on. Hang in there and I hope it gets easier.

[Halah]

Thank you both. I feel a little bit better today. I was thinking how nice it'll be for us to have kids close in age.

I still hope she has a boy though. lol

[Brighter]

I would feel exactlly the same as you Halah (welcome from IG btw), BUT can you not talk to her about GD, it seems to me that maybe she feels exactly like you! Of course this all will be easier if she has a boy too but just thinking that if she has GD too that you could help each other out?

[TTC5]

I'm glad you felt better today =)

[TexasMommy]

Im pregnant with my 3rd child, I have 2 beautiful daughters & am hoping this baby is a little boy!!! I love my girls but I really want a boy to complete our family. Hubby & I decided at the beginning of the pregnancy that either way, boy or girl, afterwards I will be getting my tubes tied. So this my last shot at a baby boy. Dont get me wrong, another little girl would be fine, but ill be sad knowing ill never experience a son!! My girls are SUCH daddys girls, & i want a mama's boy!! Im glad you got all of that off your chest, i know it isnt easy.

[Halah]

Im pregnant with my 3rd child, I have 2 beautiful daughters & am hoping this baby is a little boy!!! I love my girls but I really want a boy to complete our family. Hubby & I decided at the beginning of the pregnancy that either way, boy or girl, afterwards I will be getting my tubes tied. So this my last shot at a baby boy. Dont get me wrong, another little girl would be fine, but ill be sad knowing ill never experience a son!! My girls are SUCH daddys girls, & i want a mama's boy!! Im glad you got all of that off your chest, i know it isnt easy.

Thank you. I hope you get your boy. I do think three girls sounds so sweet though. It makes me think of the Ingrid Michaelson song Far Away.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm doing so much better than I was the night I posted. I did have a big cry yesterday, but I think it was good for me. I let a lot of stuff go.