GD many years down the road - feedback from a friend - sharing thoughts! :)

[ChezIBY]

ey everyone,

The weather changed in Paris at the end of last week! It had been sweltering hot for quite a bit, a real heat wave, and then (predictably) 'down came the rain', showers and storms and the lot. My due date is drawing ever nearer (yay ) and so I am on leave now (they let us off a couple of weeks before D-day here) and every time I meet up with one of my friends it is a 'if you're still around let's have coffee' thing. And so meet up with one of my good friends I did, and what with the showers pouring non-stop outside we ended up lingering over our tea instead of doing something 'productive' like going for a walk/hike, whatever. And maybe it was the whole misty dark stormy atmosphere and the fact that we were chilling out, just the two of us at home, no one rushing about, and my due date coming up which naturally turned the conversation towards kids - anyway, my friend ended up sharing her very real very personal GD story with me!! I was gobsmacked as I had not known she'd gone through that, and kept thinking that I MUST relate this on the forum for all you ladies, as, detail - my friend is quite a bit older than me and than anyone on this forum I guess, she is 64 (I could be her kid in fact!!) and these events took place quite a while ago. So here is Anne's story, specifically as I remember reading various ladies on here wondering 'out loud' about how they would feel if they finally got their DG/never got it, how it would go 'down the line'.

So Anne was crazily in love with her high school sweetheart and they got pregnant when she was 19! You can do the math, this was 45 years ago.. and all would have been different, but Anne's boyfriend died in a motorbike crash while she was expecting the baby Yes, this sucks big time, particularly as Anne was so young and had little/no support from her parents/would-be in-laws (and this story made me REALLY appreciate my blessings as I can't imagine losing DH while waiting for the kid ) One way or the other, Anne ended up having the kid of course - and there was no gender determination at the time, at least not in France. So she got it into her head that it was a boy - at least GD has a clear origin here, she wanted a boy to 'replace' her honey, she was going to give him the same name and had even embroidered the initials on a lot of the baby's clothes. You guessed it, obviously on D-day, following a trying delivery, she learned she'd had a DD not a DS. The only time (so far) in real life that someone told me face-to-face that they had suffered severe GD. But it was a private conversation and we are good friends now - the subject is very much taboo after all! So it seems that Anne suffered really a lot from GD, had trouble bonding with her DD and in general going through life at that point - there was no GD website and no Atomic to help her out and no one to talk to!! (and she even asked the midwives to go ahead and pick a name that would go with the initials as she had wanted 'Stéphane' for a boy, didn't care about a girl and wasn't about to think up a girl name. Thank God for the midwife choosing something nice like Sandrine..)

Some years later, mid-twenties, Anne started to go out again, was more on track with things and doing better with her DD, the bond and the love had come. She married again and had another kid, a son this time. Obviously no sway at the time, it was just the way the dice rolled, but a son it was. Anne does report feeling some satisfaction at the time, like that her 'wishes had been heard' in regards to GD. Some more years down the line, the marriage ended in divorce - Anne's husband had been cheating on her :/ She proceeded to raise her daughter by herself and share custody of her son with her ex.

Finally in her thirties, Anne married again - to the man she is with till this day and who I have always known as her husband since we are friends, himself a divorcé with a son and a daughter. The kids are grown now and Anne and her husband have several grandkids. Anne showed some of the black-and-white photos she has from when her kids were born, and there is no denying it - the shell-shocked look on her face when she had her girl is really undoubtedly tinged with pain (GD plus losing her guy I guess).

What do I know of the situation now, so far down the line? Obviously, Anne's family history has been quite intense (but then, isn't everyone's life when you get down to it). I can state a hundred percent that Anne is MUCH closer to her daughter than to her son (but then, after the gender worries are dismissed, there is the fact that her son is the child of the cheating husband and her daughter is the child of the glorified high school sweetheart who left too soon) and all things said and done, in the end her character is closer to her daughter's I guess. Plus, among all the grandchildren (who are numerous by now!!) I can really see that Anne is closest with her daughter's daughter - it is always Victoire this and Victoire that!

Why am I sharing all this? Well, partly because I was rather gripped by the story and it is the first time I was hearing about GD from a 'real-life' friend and in such detail. And also because I think it is really interesting to see how a scenario has 'played out' down the line. To de-dramatize - yes, we have these feelings obviously, feelings that make us sway so hard and react whatever the outcome of the sway. But in the end it is very hard to know what life has in store, whether we end up getting the DG and the family of our dreams or not - I don't know, I just thought you'd all like to hear about this GD 'feedback' story and what someone reported decades later.

I wish everyone on this site gets their DG!! AND I wish that then, in any case, it can be 'all everyone ever dreamed of'. (Isn't it funny how we build things up in our head and how they then play out? HAS anyone else any real-life GD stories to share except their own, has anyone ever confided a story about GD to you before??)

Anne is doing fine now btw for anyone curious, retirement suits her, she's travelling with her husband and enjoying their kids' and grandkids' company when they're together. I am also doing fine, being entertained by my friends and drinking red raspberry leaf tea in anticipation of D-day (for what it's worth..)

A bientôt

[atomic sagebrush]

Nice to hear from you, Chel! We are getting so close now!!! I'm so excited for you!!

Thanks for sharing Anne's story (although I'm sorry she's been through so much, how heartbreaking!!)

One thing I think is so hard for many people with GD to understand is that when your children are grown you won't be able to envision life any other way. When you're pregnant and/or raising very small children, you really do not know how it's going to go as they become their own people. Gender seems like this all encompassing thing when you're envisioning what your child will be like and who they will become and it's easy to think it is something you can never get past. But then as they get older you are going to fall in love with them in a million ways even things that you can't imagine as a new mother, or when you're raising a baby or toddler, but there is an amazing person at the end of the journey and once the person starts to emerge from the baby, it is not as much if they are a boy or a girl but that they are yours!!!

[Shannshaff]

Wonderful story and wonderful words Atomic! It does help to hear that things can go quite differently than you had planned when swaying! Thank you.

[ChezIBY]

Nice to hear from you, Chel! We are getting so close now!!! I'm so excited for you!!

Thanks for sharing Anne's story (although I'm sorry she's been through so much, how heartbreaking!!)

One thing I think is so hard for many people with GD to understand is that when your children are grown you won't be able to envision life any other way. When you're pregnant and/or raising very small children, you really do not know how it's going to go as they become their own people. Gender seems like this all encompassing thing when you're envisioning what your child will be like and who they will become and it's easy to think it is something you can never get past. But then as they get older you are going to fall in love with them in a million ways even things that you can't imagine as a new mother, or when you're raising a baby or toddler, but there is an amazing person at the end of the journey and once the person starts to emerge from the baby, it is not as much if they are a boy or a girl but that they are yours!!!

Thanks Atomic, you're so sweet It's a weird time, this last stretch! You probably remember that, before your first? There's the whole build-up, waiting for D-day, but also since it's the first and you're becoming a parent there's this 'OMG, i hope we'll be up to this job!' thing, and you're not a mom yet but you're not exactly a 'not-mom' either.. Anyway, pretty excited myself

And thanks for your words of wisdom

[kittendreams]

Thank you for sharing Chez.
What an exciting time for you waiting for your first. I remember those last weeks so clearly it was such a surreal time like no other in my life. Embrace every moment there is nothing on this earth like giving birth for the first time. Those first few minutes with my son are the best I've ever had and the emotions are just too special for words xx
You will do an amazing job mumma!

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks Atomic, you're so sweet It's a weird time, this last stretch! You probably remember that, before your first? There's the whole build-up, waiting for D-day, but also since it's the first and you're becoming a parent there's this 'OMG, i hope we'll be up to this job!' thing, and you're not a mom yet but you're not exactly a 'not-mom' either.. Anyway, pretty excited myself

And thanks for your words of wisdom

Not only with the first, but every time! There is always that question of "how am I going to DO this??" And that last little bit feels like it goes on FOR...Ev...errrr....I think there are some hormones at play that affect the sensation of how time passes, I really do.

Can't wait for your update!!

[The Anchor]

Great post Chezl!

[Throwaway_panther]

I hope you're doing well with your baby Chez!!

[atomic sagebrush]

I was just thinking about Chez and wondering how she's getting along!!!

[ChezIBY]

Aww, thanks you guys <3 that's so sweet!! <3
The short answer is that we're doing real great and I was thinking so much about all the discussions we've had here during these last weeks! So much I wanted to share - but it must be put down in the right thread, that would be 'blue swayers why???' that Atomic had launched a while ago gonna post there now, see you all there and around, much love