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  1. #1
    Big Dreamer

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    How do you cope?

    Hoping for some thoughts or people sharing experiences with me re: what helped them please.

    A woman in my circle just had her second, a girl, after her son. She announced a few weeks after my first loss (a CP). As some of you might know, I just had a d&c a week and a half ago for my second loss due to RP. This woman is not a friend of mine by any stretch. I don't like her and she has mommy-shamed me in the past - not a fan. Her husband is a sweetheart so it's too bad otherwise I would have them over since our boys are friends.

    Today the group all got together to send her food for going home after leaving the hospital. I really didn't want to do it but I felt pressured so I did it. I didn't want to give her anything. Her husband, her baby, her son - sure, I would have bought gifts for them. But the food was specifically for *her* so she would not have to cook and I admit, I would have said no if I didn't care about looking like a jerk.

    Honestly if it was any other woman in the group, I would feel happy for her. But I feel like, we were both pregnant and around the same time and mine didn't take. Hers did and here she is with the girl. It's irrational but I feel like maybe there was room for only one soul and she took it. And she is the most judgmental person. She back hand insults moms ("I don't allow Disney in my home" (when a mom was talking about Frozen) "My son does not watch any tv - he doesn't know what Paw patrol is" (if the other kids are pretending to be Sky or Chase or whoever). And I am not judgmental having been through PPD after my first and I always remember how hard it is to be a first time mom also a mother of more than one. I know it can be tough and lonely when you don't have family around. Survival trumps all sometimes, you know? Sometimes, you need 20 min to shower and dress and the only way to get your toddler to sit still when you're home alone and make sure they are safe is tv! So big deal? So why does someone who is judgmental get a golden egg? but me? I get a loss and then another loss. It makes no sense to complain about this when I type it out. Because I have two amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, loving boys But there it is. Please no judgement. I know my feelings are unfair and stupid and I want to get over it and not feel stress every day that I might see her. I know it won't be so bad as the baby gets older but the first few weeks everyone will be making a big deal. My due date for my first would have been next Thursday and I am really struggling with it - a lot more than I thought I would. I mean those cells were barely an embryo. But here I am. Sad. Dreading the day. I try to think about other things. But all I feel is sad. I want to be pregnant again and I have to wait two more weeks to try because the d&c was right when I ovulated.

    DH is tired of listening to me. I need to get past this.

    Thanks for reading this far.

  2. #2
    Big Dreamer

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    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I totally agree on survival mode and I can’t imagine there’s a mother on earth that doesn’t do those things! It sounds like you have wonderful boys and you should be proud! It’s hard to raise kids!! I have had some similar feelings in the past, and sometimes they sneak up. I try to focus on the kids I have and how lucky I am to have them. Also, I try to think of the saying “be kind (not that you haven’t been, you sound way nicer than me lol), but you never know what battles someone else is facing” so even though she may seem to have her stuff together, you never know what happens behind closed doors or what has made her the way she is.... again, im sorry for what you’re going through.

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  4. #3
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    Sorry I had the quote wrong, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”

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  6. #4
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    Omg my kids wouldn't eat if paw patrol didn't exist! My dh works looooong hours so it is just me from 6am- 7 pm every day so without tv we'd all be starving dirty and so sick of eachother lol!

    This woman is toxic and unfortunately it is stemming from insecurity she needs to make herself feel better so she shames and puts down others. This is a deeply unhappy woman underneath. Feel sorry for her because even though she has "the golden egg" she won't ever appreciate it and that is the saddest part of all.
    Nothing uglier than a human devoid of compassion xx big hugs mumma
    Proud Mum to two gorgeous boys
    2014 2016
    Swayed expecting beautiful DS3 due Feb 2019
    Dreaming of a in 2020

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  8. #5
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    Its good to vent! Try not to let it bother you, things always come good in the end. Im so sorry for your loss's it's so tough the moment you get the bfp the excitement starts you can't help it! I had an early mc and the baby would have been due in oct ( this was 3 yrs ago) and then of course a girl i know announced she was having a baby due in oct it wouldn't have bothered me but because she isn't particularly very nice i felt gutted it always seems not so nice people have everything in life go exactly to plan. Where as me ( i always think of others go out my way for people don't talk badly behind their backs etc feel im a good person) everything is a struggle had ill health in my family struggle to get pg had a mc then went for ivf as fed up of trying been trying months again to get pg etc nothing is just easy. My husband drinks far too much.. I know people have it sooo much worse and im so grateful for everything i have, and i have so much to be grateful for especially my family, just seems my life is never simple or without some worry going on!! So hear where you're coming from
    That poor ladies kids no tv or disney!!! They are missing out every kid enjoys a bit of tv especially Disney! Don't let her bother you just not worth it
    Xxhugs xx
    Last edited by Nell_; May 11th, 2019 at 02:03 AM.

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  10. #6
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    I'm so sorry you're going through all this - several losses and strong gender desire and then this nasty person on top of it! Really, I roll my eyes at people like her just as much as they roll their eyes at me for sitting my son down in front of the TV when I urgently need some time to do something. My son is 4 and very lively, and also special needs so he can't attend daycare (believe me, we tried many times... now we have a certain reputation and no daycare center in town will accept him anymore). But even this doesn't keep some other moms from judging me for using the "electronic babysitter" occasionally. Pffffff!

    But the saddest part of this story is how this woman gets a girl while you lost your pregnancy. That is haunting and I know I would lose sleep over this, too. But no, this isn't fate or anything, it's just a frustrating coincidence. Or, if you prefer a less biologic and more spiritual explanation, you never know if some higher power has something really amazing in store for you that right now you can't even imagine. I hope that for you with all my heart. Until then, hang in there, and we're always here for you if you need kindness and understanding.
    DW + DH +
    ... and due with another in Dec 2019 after a failed pink sway

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  12. #7
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    Oh those ladies - run into them so often in my life and over time I have always ended up learning there was always something going on under the surface. Something eventually came out that indicated it wasn't all peaches and cream and that was the way they were getting through their life - by building themselves up by tearing others down. But knowing that doesn't make it easier, I know.

    I have mentioned it on here before but after all this time, that is the one thing that still gets to me. The ease at which it happens for so many people - BG, GB without even trying and seemingly not even caring at all, and then them taking it as a given it's a sign of their moral superiority or something (not all of them, but enough) And then for some of us we have to struggle SO hard. It just doesn't seem fair. But all we can do is just do our best and count our blessings.
    !!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!

    If you appreciate my help with your sway plan, please consider a donation:

    https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=C92U9TVWTRTDQ

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  14. #8
    Big Dreamer
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    Quote Originally Posted by dreamofdaughter View Post
    Hoping for some thoughts or people sharing experiences with me re: what helped them please.

    A woman in my circle just had her second, a girl, after her son. She announced a few weeks after my first loss (a CP). As some of you might know, I just had a d&c a week and a half ago for my second loss due to RP. This woman is not a friend of mine by any stretch. I don't like her and she has mommy-shamed me in the past - not a fan. Her husband is a sweetheart so it's too bad otherwise I would have them over since our boys are friends.

    Today the group all got together to send her food for going home after leaving the hospital. I really didn't want to do it but I felt pressured so I did it. I didn't want to give her anything. Her husband, her baby, her son - sure, I would have bought gifts for them. But the food was specifically for *her* so she would not have to cook and I admit, I would have said no if I didn't care about looking like a jerk.

    Honestly if it was any other woman in the group, I would feel happy for her. But I feel like, we were both pregnant and around the same time and mine didn't take. Hers did and here she is with the girl. It's irrational but I feel like maybe there was room for only one soul and she took it. And she is the most judgmental person. She back hand insults moms ("I don't allow Disney in my home" (when a mom was talking about Frozen) "My son does not watch any tv - he doesn't know what Paw patrol is" (if the other kids are pretending to be Sky or Chase or whoever). And I am not judgmental having been through PPD after my first and I always remember how hard it is to be a first time mom also a mother of more than one. I know it can be tough and lonely when you don't have family around. Survival trumps all sometimes, you know? Sometimes, you need 20 min to shower and dress and the only way to get your toddler to sit still when you're home alone and make sure they are safe is tv! So big deal? So why does someone who is judgmental get a golden egg? but me? I get a loss and then another loss. It makes no sense to complain about this when I type it out. Because I have two amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, loving boys But there it is. Please no judgement. I know my feelings are unfair and stupid and I want to get over it and not feel stress every day that I might see her. I know it won't be so bad as the baby gets older but the first few weeks everyone will be making a big deal. My due date for my first would have been next Thursday and I am really struggling with it - a lot more than I thought I would. I mean those cells were barely an embryo. But here I am. Sad. Dreading the day. I try to think about other things. But all I feel is sad. I want to be pregnant again and I have to wait two more weeks to try because the d&c was right when I ovulated.

    DH is tired of listening to me. I need to get past this.

    Thanks for reading this far.
    No it makes sense, it makes a lot of sense actually and you're not alone.

    To tell you, for DD1 AND DD2, I had that feeling of "there was only one place for a soul, I wanted a boy so much but these girls souls stole his place and now he is stuck still waiting to join our family in Heaven". I felt terrible for thinking that way and DH was horrified by me but such is the depth of that kind of disappointment. I love my girls, I'm amazed by their cuteness and all and I shouldn't have had these thoughts but here they were.
    Also I feel for you re:the other woman because I have one like her in my circle, an ex-childhood friend of sorts but I still get news here and there... She is a bit similar to yours. Always judgmental, sometimes to the point of cruelty (and is getting worse the older she gets). She loves to shame people, to rub how better she is in their faces. She has and adorable husband and adorable friends and you can't understand how they can stand her really. She is very rude to them and to her family and in-laws. But although her parents try to rein her in, her in-laws love her, absolutely love her. She is perfect in their eyes and when sometimes ago she wanted to leave her then-fiance, they cried so much for her to stay and all...
    She is one who doesn't believe in life-lasting love, always saying that it withers like all things, even in front of her husband. She doesn't believe in mariage. Doesn't believe in children, she always claimed she would only have one at 40 because it was so bothersome... But guess who got the fairy-tale wedding, entirely paid by her in-laws (I'm still trying to convince DH to get married and we have no money, no family) ? Who got the son, no prob, even though she did it just to please husband and his parents ? She dropped out of college claiming it was boring and guess who got a high-paid job a few months after the baby's birth (thanks a lot, BFF of husband while others didn't drop out but had their business close under their noses) ?
    When she gave birth, she received so much congrats, so much gifts, it was dizzying. For the birth of DD2, a few months before, I got nothing but mommy-shaming because she was a surprise baby and so close in age to DD1. Like "how will you care for the first one now with another baby ?", "are you sure you're good enough to be a mother ?" and some outright said that someone should call social services and relieve DH of babysitting that "airhead and her kids".
    There are people like that, they drift through life with neither compassion nor gratitude, and they get everything while sitting on their hands, every gift God has to offer, every luck... And it really feels like they are robbing others of these gifts, other kind, honest, hard-working, loving people. And it feels like the latters get handed all the punishments the formers should have gotten with their horrible attitude.

    Alas, life is unfair.

    You have every right to rant about it. DH too is tired of listening to me but silence keeps these thoughts going and it poisons you, slowly but surely. Men just don't get it it seems. So we have to support each-other.

    A well-deserved good luck to you. I hope the wheel spins and fast.
    2014 ------- surprise 2016

    Dreaming of a

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  16. #9
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    Thank you all for your replies! Sorry I have been awol all week.

    It was a tough week but I am past "the day" and feeling so much better. And my period came today so I am soooo happy!!! It means I ovulated around when I thought I should according to the ultrasound I saw before my d&c. It means my body picked up where it left off even at my age. I am so very grateful.

    Atomic - the period is spotty - I barely would call it a period but I assume that is normal because they removed my lining two weeks ago and then I spotted for maybe a week or so before my period was due. So it would be there was no time to build up, right?

    To be clear, the whole "only one soul feeling" wasn't about my boys. It was about the woman having her child due literally a day before my due date (I found out her actual due date was a day before mine). With my sons, I love them so much I wouldn't trade them for any other child. If it was a choice between them and a daughter in my future, I would pick them - no hesitation. I am sure most moms with GD feel that way; I am not unique. But anyway, I don't feel like that anymore. I knew it was irrational and I believe what WelcomeBaby so eloquently wrote: "Or, if you prefer a less biologic and more spiritual explanation, you never know if some higher power has something really amazing in store for you that right now you can't even imagine." I believe another child is coming. I have dreamed of carrying another child that is smiling up at me. I don't know if it will be a boy or a girl and I am slowly, slowly getting to the point where that matters less and less to me. And maybe I won't see that child until I am in heaven, who knows? But I believe that soul is waiting for me just as my boys found me, so will this soul.

    On Mother's Day, DH asked me what is the best part of being a mom and I said, it's watching this person grow and change and develop this amazing personality and know that I have a small part in helping them reach their potential by loving them, taking care of them, teaching them. Best job in the world, to get to love someone that much and be loved in return is the greatest gift, imo. I am so lucky to get to do it twice and part of my healing is reminding myself of that every day. Not what I think I am missing, but what I already have.

  17. #10
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    It's very hard to watch someone you dislike effortlessly get what you struggle for but it's possible that she's not judging anyone when she says she doesn't let her kids watch TV. She could just be making an attempt at joining the group conversation when she tells you about how she handles TV in her household and it's rubbing people the wrong way. I had similarly rigid standards about technology when my first child was little (like many mothers I loosened up a lot about that stuff when I had my second, and my kids are currently watching a vintage episode of Full House, lol). Mentioning it didn't mean I didn't like other mothers or didn't think they were good parents.

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