Depressed

[Sugaree]

This was an unplanned pregnancy, we were preventing (IUD). I've had so many bad days since finding out. I'm already overwhelmed with what we have most days. Financially, mentally, and physically I just don't know how we're going to be able to add one more. We've talked about all our options but I don't think I can abort. I've already been getting prenatal care and seen ultrasounds. I had the CVS this week and now we're waiting to get results and find out if everything is okay. And waiting to find out the sex of course. I really think that the only way I'll be able to find any happiness in this situation is if it's the daughter I've always wanted. But I know deep down it isn't.

Yesterday I found out that since they were only able to get a small sample from the placenta it may take a week longer to find out. When I asked for an exact date they said it depends on whether or not the baby is a boy or girl. If it has XX chromosomes they have to check against my blood to be sure that they aren't looking at my DNA. So if it's a boy results will come sooner, if a girl it'll take longer. So now I'm sitting here alternately dreading a call and wishing for it to just be over already. I guess the longer it takes for them to call the better but I hate this wait. I just want to know.

I had a dream last night that they called and it was a boy. I woke up feeling so down and found myself considering abortion again. A part of me wants to do it before results even come in (and never find out the sex) because then I won't have to live with knowing I aborted partly out of gender.

I know a lot of people here are probably against abortion, but please don't judge me. I never thought it would be something I would consider but I feel so lost and desperate. I just want this whole situation to be over. I stay home with my kids and already am so exhausted and feel so isolated and depressed. My youngest has started becoming easier and I was finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel when I would finally get more sleep, have more energy for my kids, have more freedom, etc. Now it feels like life is on hold again for a few more years. Also, I know I'm going to be judged for having another. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. It's like a joke how fertile we are. And then there's my best friend who can't have a baby, I dread her finding out. No one knows yet and that gives me a feeling of safety, like there is a way out of this. It's such a difficult decision and one I'll have to live with for the rest of my life, but in many ways I feel it's better than the alternative of bringing another child into the world and this house and what it'll do to my marriage and my kids.

[Wishful thinking]

I got pregnant with my youngest son while on the IUD so I have some idea of how you're feeling. I think you have to work through that shock first before you can address the other issues. It's not about how anyone else feels about you having another child, but you and your husband. You have to do what you feel is best in your heart.
I will say that my son is nine now and I couldn't picture not having him. And this could be the DD you've dreamed of. Either way, this baby is pretty determined to be part of the family!

[Sugaree]

You're right. And I agree that it's probably meant to be. I had really severe gd with my youngest and now I can't imagine life without him. Honestly if this happened in a few years I think I'd be okay and be happy with another boy. But because of the bad timing I find myself so scared and keep thinking well maybe it'll be a girl and then it'll be okay.To add to the stress I had just found out that two family members were expecting. At the time I felt no jealousy and only relief that it wasn't me. now I just keep thinking they'll probably get girls again and I'll be the sad sack with another boy. And he'll be left out just like my youngest is from his girl cousins.

[auroara78]

I'm sorry you feel this way How young is your youngest..and what is the estimated window on hearing back on the CVS...how long has it already been? I am also akin to beliving this baby was meant to be, even if the timing is horrible. My DS2 was concieved when I was at the very end of graduate school, and having him meant staying in a worst lower paying job for a lot longer than I planned since I needed my health insurance from the job.

I do hope things get better for you. I agree with the other poster about not worrying about what anyone else thinks except how it effects your husband and you. Of course, I do realize this is easier said than done--I've gotten a lot of flak from my family about my having my 3rd so soon after my 2nd, and although I try to remind myself that it's not up to them, it's my life, it's hard to keep hearing the comments anyway.

big big hugs and I just really hope you'll catch a break soon. I hope this is your daughter.

[Sugaree]

Thank you.

My youngest is 10 months. Still bfing with no signs of stopping. And originally they said it would be 10-14 days for results, then they added on another week. With the holiday next week I'm thinking I won't hear anything until Dec. I have a regular appt on the 26th and I'm hoping I get a scan so I can look for a nub. In the one I got at 11 weeks I got a few girl guesses but it was so early that I'm not putting much stock in it.

[Mrs_P]

Oh hunny what a sad sad post - we were trying for a baby but i understand completely with the gd and with the feeling like you can't cope, these last few days have been what was i thinking? I know its going to be another boy and is it worth all the extra work, money, etc etc. On the other hand though pregnancy is horrible, your hormones are making your emotions worse than normal and if your anything like me i'm so tired at the moment i'm not coping with the kids i have anywhere near as well as i normally do as i'm so tired.

Why did you have a cvs test done? If you don't mind me asking, just wondering if there are other issues for you wrapped up in there that you are worrying about?

I'm sorry i don't have any answers but am happy to chat, especially as i know what you are going through. I can't say i'm pro abortion or against it really (as i was really anti until i have had more kids and its not that cut and dry - i feel i need to put my children first now) but i promise i won't judge you either way xxxx

[Sugaree]

Thank you Mrs_P.

CVS was done because of my age and I have a chromosome disorder myself that I've already passed down to two of my kids, one of whom has special needs. Which is definitely a big factor in my stress. I wouldn't terminate for that particular disorder since there's no way to guess if it would cause problems or not, but I need to know if this one has it or anything (God forbid) worse.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope you get your little girl.

[Mrs_P]

One of my boys has special needs to (my eldest), i love him so much but he is hard work.

I hope your baby is healthy and that the test results are all clear, wait on the tests is awful i didn't realise they were that long, its a long time to stress for

how far along are you?

[Sugaree]

11 weeks

Thanks again. Just spilling all of these feelings has helped so much. I didn't realize how much keeping it a secret was all weighing on me.

Once we know everything is healthy we'll announce and I think that will be good for me too. I'm so close to my family but haven't been able to tell them or lean on them for support so that makes me feel more alone. My husband has been amazing and there for me 100% but he's stressed out too.

[hotdogz&boyz]

NO one had the right to judge you til they walk a mile in your shoes.

I am sorry you are feeling all this turmoil. It must be so hard thinking you were done and now feeling like you can't handle another baby. I will send peaceful thoughts your way and hope you are able to clear your head and think about your options very soon. I can totally see how all that stress is making you crazy (and the hormones don't help). Hugs.