Does the pain ever stop...

[GimmeaG]

Well I finally posted my failed pink sway, and starting my own Gender Disappointment thread. It has taken me a couple weeks to do this because it hurts so bad, so I have been lurking here commenting here and there but thats it. I don't know where to start...I guess with what I thought was an awesome sway attempt. I did the diet for what seemed an eternity, several weeks of bland foods, salads, plain rice and pasta. My DH already has two daughters from his previous wife we thought the odds were in our favor for sure. I followed my biorhythms and silly Chinese calendar to a T for a girl. I even spoke to two psychics lol We did the one attempt at positive OPK and the deal was done...

So 12 weeks in my OBGYN suggest getting a NT scan and the new maternit21 test done due to my age so I go. The NT scan goes well and I ask the doc doing it if by chance she can take a guess at the gender and print out a good nub shot for me...silly me did not think for one second she would really guess so early on but sure enough she said, "well I am about 95% sure THAT is a boy!" My heart sank in those few seconds looking at that 42" screen of what she was pointing out a penis. Now, in my mind I am thinking "that is NOT a nub shot, that is a potty shot...not good to judge on a 12w baby"...but that damn 95% she sang out to me was torture for my thoughts. And after all that, all the doc printed out was a profile picture of my sweet baby. I didn't even look at the picture. I wanted to run out of that office and scream...but I had to stay and get several tubes of blood drawn for the test...Geez So I can't even understand what the nurse is saying as she is taking my blood, my ears were ringing so bad. Then I started to cry, she thought she was hurting me and I just shook my head and said I was fine. What do you say? Oh Im crying because I didn't hear what I wanted in the sono room...and yes the baby looks healthy....Im crying because she didn't say "looks like a girl". I knew I couldn't say that, everything in me felt like a selfish beast...I think thats what really set me off.

So I make it to my car, I'm by myself...and I cry for what seems an eternity. People walking by must have been thinking, "oh she must have been told some terrible news about her poor baby...how sad" Nope...just crying for the gender and feeling like a pathetic POS I had to pull myself together because my mother was watching the boys for me while I was gone, my DH was on his way home from work and there was NO way I could let them see me like this. Ya...didn't work. I just told my mom I was just scared about all the testing and it was just hormones...that was a close one. Now my husband gets home and I lose it. He was very supportive because we both tried so hard for this girl...then he reminded me that it's still early and she was going off a potty shot, which is not very supportive with what I have been researching online about nubs. WOW...I had some hope at this point. I pulled out the picture of my baby that night and send in a photo of the profile for a guess at the skull. I know, not very reliable but I was grabbing at straws and needed some hope. The pain was so bad I felt I couldn't bear. Several ladies replied GIRL...oh thank goodness. I could sleep at night, for now.

So the way maternit21 works is it takes a couple weeks for the results. If they pic up a Y then boy if not girl. I am riding on hope at this point but my DH said prepare myself for BOY since I already had a big blow at the NT scan. He was so upset that doctor made that guess. Anyways...one week after I took the M21 test my phone rings...the test came back early. The genetic counselor tells me all looks well and baby looks healthy, the test is 94.5% accurate BLA BLA BLA then she asks if I still want to know the gender...I took in a deep breath...my heart was in my throat...I said Yes tell me...she said "looks like it is a BOY" I quickly say thank you and hang up. I cried ALL day. No exaggeration...I didn't know I could cry so much. I didn't know the pain would be so bad (over dramatic I know) I must have called all my friends that knew I wanted a girl so bad. They did a good job helping. I text my husband the news. He came home with flowers and a gift to open and said to open it when I was ready. I didn't know the pain and disappointment with myself for feeling this way would hit me so hard.

The next couple days is a blur. I didn't cook, clean, shower...my boys were staying with their father over the thanksgiving break so I was thankful they didn't see me this way. I was feeling pathetic and then my phone rang. It was my ex's girlfriend's number that showed up, she was watching the boys while ex was at work...I hurried to answer thinking something was wrong...it was my 8 year old son on the other line. He said "Hi mommy, I just wanted to call and tell you I miss you really bad and I love you so much Then my 6 yr old son came on and pretty much said the same thing and said he rather be with me then his daddy...I think God was trying to tell me something. He let me hurt those few days, but let me know that little boys...no matter what age, will love their mommy with a love that is so deep. Just like daddy's have their little girls...well we have our mama's boys. I still am thanking God for that phone call. I finally took a shower, cleaned a little and tried not to look like a mess when DH came home.

I felt a bit better after that and then my husband told me I could finally get that Ragdoll kitten I have been wanting...a 4 legged daughter. I had one as a young girl and she was my best friend, best pet I have EVER owned. I talk about her often, so my DH thought though it be the same, maybe it will help me heal. I know when I finally get to hold my son I wouldn't trade him for a thousand girls, but for now my 4 legged daughter will help these wounds. Maybe I would have a different outlook if I was closer to my DH two daughters, but they are teenagers and never really come over. When they do they are always on their phones or in the room...there isn't much bonding time with them. They are close with their mother...I am just the step mom :roll eyes:

I can't go in the stores yet and look at the little girls side, I tried and it hurts so bad. I don't know when the pain will finally go away. Will it ever? I am just glad this site is here for me to vent...thank you for that...thanks for being here.

[Adia]

Oh honey, I am so sorry.

Does the pain ever go away? No! But it fades....a lot.... with time. I am 5 years out from my horrid GD storm & everything is fine. I still want a boy...keep miscarrying...but in perspective, I have a lot to be grateful for.

You are in a very yucky place where the love of DS3 hasn't yet separated itself from your very normal desire for a girl. It takes time and torture but I promise you will get there.

As of this summer I am the only DIL in DH family to not produce a boy....that's a huge crime in the eyes of my FIL and MIL but GD has made me tough and they can f#%k off for all I care.

When I got divorced 10 years ago a friend said, "divorce sucks but if you let it, it can teach you more about yourself than you thought possible". While GD hasn't exactly taught me as much as divorce, I have learned a lot about myself and it has forced me to deal with the realities of life and learn to accept them...and still find happiness...so that is a good thing and has definitely helped in other areas of my life.

I remember the blur of months from gender u/s to giving birth. The most important thing you can do is BE NICE TO YOURSELF! Beating yourself up isn't going to do anyone any good. And SERIOUSLY consider lying to most people about the gender. The comments about the 3rd of the same gender are appalling and completely rude.

Hang in there my fellow Texan....it will be ok, I promise. Big hugs!!!

[hotdogz&boyz]

I have no useful advice. But I wanted to offer big hugs and I hope each day gets a little bit better until that day when you meet your little boy and he melts your heart himself. It's awful to be in this place. But do, as Adia said, be nice to yourself. You are not a POS and you needed time to grieve. I once sobbed because my son dumped tadpole eggs down the sink. I mean, we all have our moments of unabashed grief, no matter if it compares to "someone else's grief" is of no consequence. You needed that time to sob and yell and be angry. That doesn't make you selfish or a bad person. You are just human and that hurt. I hope your journey is upward from here.

[trifecta]

Your story was so moving that I cried when I read it. I hope you feel better for having written it. Hotdogz&boyz is right; you'r not a POS at all, just a person coming to terms with the loss of a dream and it's hard. It sounds like you did a really good sway. I hope knowing you did what you reasonably could to have a girl will be a comfort to you in the future. Your family also sounds wonderful and very empathetic. Take good care of yourself.

[GimmeaG]

Thank you so much ladies...and this is why I love this site! I do feel a bit better after typing and posting it. I did have a good cry in the bathroom afterwords lol but it felt good. I am just trying to move on and out of this hole of "poor me". Each day is different. Didn't help last night DH saying "OMG we are going to have 3 of these running around!" REALLY!!?? My boys have been really good considering we had a bad ice storm and they have been stuck in the house since last Thursday. Usually DH has been good about my GD but to make a comment like that really pissed me off

I am soaking all of y'alls advice in and taking a deep breath...I'm sure this won't be my last rant but you girls really do know how to make a beat down girl feel better. Many hugs to you all and thanks again for all your support!

[Two of a Kind]

Hi
My circumstances are a little different to yours, But I couldn't read & run Your story bought tears to my eyes, I totally understand that your desire for a daughter is completely separate to the love for your sons. Your DH sounds great! May you continue to find peace & support. All the very best x & this site is a wonderful place to rant when ever you feel the need lol

[Taylor]

I'm so sorry. I just found out on Thursday that I'm having my second boy. It's still very fresh and I'm wondering the same thing. I think I've cried more tears over this healthy baby boy than I've cried over the deaths of family members. How wrong is that?!? I feel awful. I hope it gets better and soon.

[motherofboys]

Huge hugs to you, as others have said be gentle with yourself.
I paid for an early gender scan with my 4th baby, I already had 3 boys, and until that 4th pregnancy I was fine with boys, and so we hadn't swayed.
I had told DH I hoped for a girl, but hadn't gone into how much I wanted one, because he really wanted a girl too. He takes a lot of blame onto himself, his family is very boy heavy.
I'd had about 98% boy guesses on the nub on sites like this one, then was confirmed boy at 16 weeks, and still I had hope. By 20 weeks I thought I was ok, but on the way to the 22 week scan I still couldn't help imagine hearing girl.
Over the course of my pregnancy I cried buckets, I really hadn't realised how much it meant to me. When my boys misbehaved I'd end up in tears again.
I hid it all from DH. I have a history of postnatal depression and not bonding with my 2nd baby (nothing to do with gender) so I was very worried about a repeat.
My 4th baby boy is 9 weeks today, I am so totally in love with him. I still feel sad at the thought of not ever having a girl though.
The chance of one more go (and a sway) comes with certain conditions and isn't guaranteed.
You need time to process it, I don't know if the pain ever goes away, people talk about one day having granddaughters, but I'm not sure if thats the same or enough, but I think it does get easier to deal with.
I used to dream of a baby girl with curly blonde hair, my little dark, straight haired boy couldn't be more opposite, but I wouldn't swap him.

[Mabel_79]

My story is similar to yours. Husband and I worked really hard on what we thought was an awesome sway. My pregnancy was so different i was convinced i had my daughter on board. So when at my 20 week scan they pointed out the balls and willy i just broke down.
I cried for about a week. Didn't get put of bed. Even researched adoption and late stage abortion (which made me cry even more as knew that's not something i could ever do).

Well, my little man is due in 6 days!! And i'm very excited! Have hardly felt any GD for the past few weeks.

I still have dreams- had one last night where he was born and they'd got it wrong and he was a she. And another where i opened an anonymous Christmas card and all it said was 'your baby girl is on her way'. But they don't upset me any more.

I still have worries that this pregnancy is 'pointless'- even DH says things like how unnecessary this baby is as we already have 2 boys and don't need any more. But they are comments said quite matter of factly- i no longer feel the heartbreak that accompanies them.

Very much looking forward to meeting my little man and seeing who he looks like and what his personality will be like.

Not sure how i will feel in a few years time- whether my intense daughter desire will return (this is definitely our last- husband has booked vasectomy), but right now i feel OK!!!

So, just wanted to let you know- it does get a bit better. I don't think i will ever be 100% free from GD but it's definitely become a lot easier to deal with.

Best wishes in your pregnancy xxxxx

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I am so thankful to hear that the pain of GD fades. I am presently on maternity leave with my 5 month old DS#2 and I must day I am down. I knew he was a he at the 20 week scan and although I love him more than life itself, I have bouts of depression that really affect my family's life. I wonder if my marriage will survive. I resent my husband and even my own kids sometimes, shameful as it is. I already feel like the odd ball in our family, isolated and misunderstood! Anyway, I noticed your threads were from December last year....how are you all doing now? How much longer will I feel this way? I am tired of feeling so down about the girl I never got when I really just want to be happy with the boys that blessed me


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