How did you get over this?? Any and all advice...

[from2to3]

Hello!

We just found out a few days ago that our third and final child is another boy. I have so many mixed emotions right now between numb, sad, depressed, mad, hurt, you name it. I know when this baby boy comes I will love it to pieces, just like I love DS2. What I am so scared of, is dealing with what I've been dealing with since I found out DS2 was a boy. Feeling like something wasn't quite right, like something is missing, and an overall ache in my heart for a baby girl, and a little sister for my boys. I literally thought about it almost everyday, even on days I told myself all the benefits of having boys! It was almost distracting for me. And now, I'm doing the same thing I did with DS2....wondering if it really is a girl and we'll be surprised at delivery - even though the ultrasound pic leaves no doubt it is for a sure a boy - and thinking that maybe after my husband gets snipped there will be one lone girl sperm that will sneak out and we'll have an accident. I don't even want 4 kids! Completely out of the question so why would I hope for an accident after this?! I never dreamed I would be someone with Gender Desire, and definitely not Gender Disappointment!!! I'm so mad and ashamed at myself, and feel like I'm being punished to teach myself a lesson to not be so worked up about gender. I thought I had convinced myself this time that gender didn't matter and I was dealing with the "something is missing" feeling because we were meant to have three kids.

The list of reasons for wanting a girl is huge. It's funny too because I'm not even a girly girl, and not into bling or anything. Yes, some outfits are cute but it's more about seeing the child in a little purple or pink or something different. I felt that so many things led up to changing our minds from stopping at two kids; to changing our plans forever and going to three. So many things that gave us hope that this could be our girl. And when our kids found out they kept calling it their baby sister, even though I always reminded them it could be a brother. When I was pregnant with DS1 it took 3 ultrasounds to figure out what he was, and though I thought there was hope he was a boy, things were leaning towards girl. Then a little child said, "you are going to have a boy". Silly, but I was hoping our boys somehow 'knew' this was a girl. My two pregnancies with my first two boys weren't identical, but they were similar enough that it could definitely be the same sex. This pregnancy has been so different - not extremely so - but pretty different. I've even gagged and thrown up from brushing my teeth!! I've never even remotely had ms before. I know they say symptoms don't matter, but it would have be easier to accept if there wasn't that false hope that maybe this could in fact, be our girl. I woke up the next day after we tried and I had this peace, like I knew I was pregnant and well, hoped it was also because this was finally our girl. Seriously it seems like everyone around me, especially family has at least one girl!! After we found out, we went to eat lunch, walked in and right by our table was two new baby girls. Like a slap in my face.

My sway was terrible, I didn't find out about this website until a week before we tried. But I was hoping that what I did was such a drastic change from the usual that it would 'shock' my body and make a difference. Towards the end of that week, I seriously was having trouble. I wasn't starving myself, but it felt like it. The no breakfast thing was huge for me. While DTD we did everything opposite....I shouldn't have even been able to get pregnant! But my husband has super sperm, and a lot of it. Sorry TMI.

Anyways, I could go on and on. Mainly what I want to know is...were you able to do anything to make this go away?? Any tips, tricks etc? It never went away after DS2, and I'm afraid it never will and that I'll have to deal with this the rest of my life. I told myself I would let myself grieve for a bit, but then I have to pick myself up and quickly get over it...preferably before this baby comes. So I'm willing to try anything!

Thanks for listening to me blab...and for any help

[Adia]

For some reason when you have Gender Disappointment/desire, the third child of the same gender is a bitter blow. In many cases, like yours, and possibly mine, it was our last shot at our DG.
That child tends to own your heart like no other in the long run, but the months of brutal GD leading up to the birth are tough. I remember them well. I, and undoubtedly many others, hoped and prayed fervently that the u/s was wrong and our DG would pop out.
Time...that is my only cure after years of dealing with DG and now infertility. Be good to yourself, and get help if you need it. Sometimes just venting to a professional can help you see why this is such a deep rooted desire and what you can do about it.

It is a loss, truly a loss and you should in no way sit and criticize yourself for feeling that loss by saying such things as "at least the baby is healthy". While that is a true blessing, you have lost a dream and that is a loss, one that is real and raw and very painful.

Big hugs mama, I remember those days of pain and anguish all to well. I tried to drown them with a lot of Betty Crocker brownies but that just made me fat by the time I delivered DD3...not recommended!

[nuthinbutpink]

I found this the other day and I could relate to a lot of what it says-

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Life changes, people, change, and that’s the point. We’re capable of making the most of whatever comes our way.

I was watching a Tony Robbins video on Create a New Story. Our story is our blueprint. It’s what we wanted our life to be like. When your life doesn’t match your blueprint, you can succeed at what you do, but feel unfulfilled. Worse, when your life doesn’t match your blueprint and you don’t feel like you can change it, you can feel stuck or depressed .

You need to match your blueprint to feel full and alive. Life doesn’t always go our way, and things change along the way, including major events in our life. This means changing your life or changing your story.

And, the irony is, sometimes failing to get your goal helps you fulfill your destiny.

The Formula for Happiness

Tony has a very simple formula for happiness. The formula for happiness is:

Happiness = Progress

He says we we have to feel like we’re growing. You have to feel like you are on the road to somewhere, and making improvement. If you stop growing, you start dying.

Life is a series of growth-spurts.

Two Things that Make You Feel Alive

According to Tony, there are two things that make us come fully alive:

Growing
Giving
It’s not about “me”, it’s about “we.” We need to feel like we’re growing, and, giving back is what takes us beyond ourselves.

Our Blueprint is the Story We Have in Our Head

Tony says that we all have a story in our head. It’s the one we grew up with. It might be something along the lines of … work hard in school, be a nice person, find the ideal mate, get a house with a white picket fence, start a family, and live happily ever after.

It might include that you have to achieve an enormous amount, such as build a company, or a new technology, or be a special doctor, or it’s not enough, and you won’t be happy.

This blueprint is our model of how life should be. It’s often wrong for us, or our situation, or it’s somebody else’s blueprint for us.

When Life Doesn’t Match Our Blueprint

The problem is, even if we succeed at what we do, but it doesn’t match our blueprint, we don’t feel fulfilled. When life doesn’t go as planned, Tony says we have three choices:

Blame something
Change your life
Change your blueprint
Blame is not the path. The blame game goes nowhere fast. You can blame an event, someone else, or yourself, but that doesn’t help. Tony shares powerful words of wisdom from Nelson Mandela that go like this: “Having resentment in your soul is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.”

The empowering path is to change your life or change your blueprint.

Change Your Life or Change Your Blueprint

The key to finding fulfillment, getting unstuck, and finding your breakthrough is to match your blueprint. If you can change your life, and get on path, great. Remember that as long as you are on path and making progress, you can enjoy the journey and experience fulfillment along the way. But, if you can’t change your life, or the circumstances you find yourself in, then you need to change your blueprint.

When you change your blueprint, your picture needs to match your deepest needs. Tony shared a story of how a lady who was deeply depressed wasn’t achieving her dreams. She wanted a husband, but she was divorced twice. She always thought she would have kids, but now it was too late.

When Tony probed deeper, beyond the surface, it turned out that she didn’t really want a husband, but she did want the kids, but she didn’t want to adopt. Tony probed deeper, and she said she didn’t want to adopt because she wanted her kids to be her own flesh and blood. After probing even deeper, it turned out that the reason she wanted her kids to be her own flesh and blood, it’s because she wanted unconditional love. She thought that if her kids were her own flesh and blood, they would unconditionally love her.

Once Tony got her blueprint on the table, he could easily show her how there were multiple ways to address her deepest needs. In fact, it was actually her strategy that had been holding her back, keeping her stuck, and making her feel depressed. Now she can change her story, change her life, and follow her fulfillment.

Tony pointed out that usually in life it requires a little bit of both. We need to change our story and change our life to transform our life and transcend any situation.

This is the stuff that breakthroughs are made of.

3 Things Happen When You Change Your Blueprint

When you have these breakthroughs, three things happen:

People realize who they are. This helps them be authentic and be congruent, which helps create a sense of certainty and a peace of mind.
People deepen all their relationships. For example, Tony says jokingly that when people go through some hard times, their Facebook friends go away, and they find out who their real friends are.
People build psychological immunity. This is the the strength of the human spirit. They can handle whatever life throws their way.
After you’ve been through tough times, and you push through your breakthrough, you are stronger inside. You know you can handle whatever life throws your way. In fact, you might even challenge life to go ahead and give you it’s best shot creates freedom and joy. You’re no longer stuck. You’re in control – you can change your life or change your blueprint. The human spirit needs to grow, come up with a new blueprint.

This is our ability to transcend whatever happens to us. This includes when you feel something has been taken from you – whether it’s a limb or a love one — total trauma. Tony says that you have to trust that life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you, and to change any limiting beliefs that stop you from achieving what you’re capable of.

Sometimes Failing to Get Your Goal, Helps You Fulfill Your Destiny

Your blueprint is your projection of what you think you need to make you happy. The problem is, we are notoriously wrong. We’re not good at projecting these things.

We’re not good at projecting what would make us happy, just as much as we aren’t good at projecting what will make us unhappy.

Tony shared a story of Garth Brooks. Garth thought he wanted to spend his life with a girl he liked in high-school. It was his one wish. Unfortunately, things didn’t happen that way. Years, later, now that he’s rich and famous, he saw her again at a high-school reunion. Fortunately, he was glad, after all, that it hadn’t worked out between them, and he was glad, after all, how his life panned out.

In fact, so glad, that he wrote a song about it, called, “Unanswered Prayers,” where he sings, “I guess the Lord knows what he’s doin’ after all.”

Key Take Aways

Our blueprint is the story we tell ourselves about how life should be.
Life is a series of growth spurts.
Two things make you feel alive: growing and giving.
Match your blueprint to feel full and alive.
Ask, “What did you want your life to be like?”, and change your story, or change your life.
Breakthroughs happen when you change your story or change your life (or both.)
Match your blueprint to feel full and alive.
Sometimes failing to get your goal helps you fulfill your destiny.

[Mulberry Smurf]

Really like that blue print comment when I probe deeper I realise I want a girl because they look like they behave haha and that I will have more in common with a girl. My boys are teaching me about what boys like and my eldest behaves just fine! But... I still want a girl for no rational reason other than the knee jerk response to hearing someone else had got theirs so I guess it's jealousy and fear of missing out.

Congratulations on baby boy number three. Massive hugs you'll get there you sound like a kind, thoughtful and considerate mummy xx

[snipsnsnails]

2 to3 I'm sorry your having a hard time. It was really hard when I heard boy for the third time too. I cried, mourned the loss of having a girl. Then at my 20 week u/ s showed he might have heart problems and could be rushed to surgery after delivery. I was so scared and just wanted my boy to be healthy. A few weeks later my dh had a health scare and 2 long surgeries later he was finally ok. I had a echo done on the baby and he ended up being ok.
I felt like God was trying to shake me and show me real problems and heartache as opposed to me not getting a girl.
He was born and I was so in love, gender desire went by the side and I really enjoyed him...every second.
Once he was about 12 to 15 months my feelings came back hard about wanting a girl. I looked into HT and that's when we decided on trying for #4. HT of course didn't work, but swaying did.
Honestly,if I didn't work for me I know I would have been sad, since 4 was it for us. I can't keep having kids. I don't think you really get over it. My MIL had 3 boys and I would always see her staring at little girls...She now will have 3 grand daughters and gets to do all the girly things. I hope you find peace or maybe make a plan for ht in the future..

[from2to3]

Yes, I agree and most important is that this baby is healthy.
We prayed for God's perfect will for our lives, and I know He can see things we can't, and wants the very best for us. It's just hard to accept that having 3 boys is better for us than to even have one girl. :.(
I just hope and pray that when this little one comes we feel complete and I don't have that ache in my heart forever.

[prayforprincess]

It will totally go away. There will always be triggers that bring GD back, but over time the hurt from them will lessen greatly.
I posted under NCBeachygrl thread. Please read what I wrote to her.
To answer your question, I can honestly say for me GD is finally truly fading away because the hope for a DD is gone.
With ds2 I knew we'd try for a 3rd. Then with ds3 I knew we'd do ht and I would definitely get a girl- so I couldn't get the thought of a dd and what a life would be like with my dd outta my head. Then when ht failed countless times, I knew I was gonna try for the 4th and just felt that after all I'd Been through God would certainly gift me my dd since I'd proved how hard I'd tried.
I was wrong. I was so angry and hurt and sad and everything your feeling. But now that I have an incompetent cervix with this one and the fear I may lose him (all because of my other misfortune with the ectopic last May) it made me realize that this is it- this is my life and the cards I've been dealt and I'm not going to spend it focusing on what is missing or what I don't have. I'm going to make the most of the beautiful boys I do have and grow those relationships and transform everything I thought I could only have with my dd into real milestones and moments with my sons- only in a slightly different way (not gonna dress then in pink ruffles- but may go totally overboard with my granddaughters).
We CAN do this- we just have to change our focus; and for a very long time our Focus was on a dd, but once you begin to grieve the loss of that dream/hope and let it go you can move on and change your focus and be happy.
For someone who can or is having another baby- it's much harder to move past GD entirely because they still have hope for the next so its still something on their mind a lot. Once you've reached the end, you've hit your road block- that's when you can finally shut that door to "what will life be like with a dd? When will she come? How can that change our family dynamic? What will she look like?..." And open a whole new door to "this IS my life with my boys. How can I make it the best it can be? How can I fulfill my happiness and desires within myself and my family?..." You need to finally shut the door to the 'what if's?' And begin living in the 'what is' and you'll begin to find your way without being blinded by what's missing and opening your eyes to all you have laying ahead of you.
I see it as freeing myself from having lived in a dream all these years and putting my life almost on hold until she comes and completes my family- to now I can actually live my Life as it is. I'm not waiting for anything anymore - my life is complete. Maybe not how I envisioned it, but its how it is- and now I can finally enjoy it for all that it is. You can too!!! You can.

[prayforprincess]

I just read nuthinbtpink Blueprint.
Love it!! So inspiring. I feel like that's whats I've done since finding out #4 is another boy- I've changed my blueprint and for the first time in 7 years (since ds2) I finally feel happy and at peace with my life as it is.

[Adia]

I just read nuthinbtpink Blueprint.
Love it!! So inspiring. I feel like that's whats I've done since finding out #4 is another boy- I've changed my blueprint and for the first time in 7 years (since ds2) I finally feel happy and at peace with my life as it is.

I have been worried/wondering about you. Good to hear from you. Glad you are hanging in there and finding serenity. I hope everything is ok with your pregnancy. Big hugs!

[from2to3]

Good to hear from you prayforprincess!! I've been thinking about you a lot since you heard boy. So happy to hear you are doing ok emotional wise. Really really hope you can make it to August!!! How scary, and so hard to be on bed rest for so long!!

This was something I really needed to hear, especially right now. It's great to be able to talk to people that KNOW what you are going through. People around here just think, oh that's too bad she won't have a girl to dress up, or she has a house full of boys, when those aren't my issues. I know in the end I'll be ok, it will just take time. Just hope I can reach that complete feeling and just be happy! I love my boys more than anything and know I will this one too.
I just feel like I'm losing not one dream, but many dreams all rolled into one. And honestly I'm a little peeved because don't think dh did much to help or change other than dtd things, even tho he really wanted a girl. Feel like if we would have gotten preggo last year when we were making our "final" decision we would have had more of a chance. We had done a cleanse and were eating a lot more fruits and veggies and less meat and bad things, and working out a lot etc. but I can't think about that because it wasn't the way it was meant to be, and there's no changing anything now!! It still hurts, and will for awhile, and things will trigger it, but hope once baby is here I can finally stop thinking about it. Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby!!!


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