My sway has failed...devastated

[GlitterMouse]

So I found out this week that I'm expecting my third son and I am drowning in despair. I first had GD after my second son. He was a planned section, I did not have that rush of love that people talk about, there were no maternal hormones. It was clinical, he arrived and I took care of him.

Time moves on, five years later he is the apple of my eye, our relationship is wonderful and life wouldn't be the same without him. Throughout, I consoled myself with the thought that I would sway. Surely this couldn't happen to me again? I swayed hard all last year. After 12 months I got PG and everything was different. Regardless of gender I was determined to be happy and enjoy motherhood one last time.

At my scan this week, the sonographer said "I think you know what one of those is... you've done all that before" A single tear slid down my face and noone noticed. I braved it out, made the right noises and left. I am shocked by my response and have cried on and off ever since. I can't stop going over it in my head but really what's the point of analyzing? I'm too old for any more kids. I don't want any more. I shouldn't have got pregnant again. I was happy and soothed by my boys and I had come to terms with things.

The enormity and finality of this is too much to bear. No more chances, just deep sadness forever more. I am dreading people's laughter, the pity, the comments.

[Throwaway_panther]

I am so, so, so sorry.

One thing I want to start saying when I see the comments about "dreading people's laughter, the pity, the comments," is -- as so, so hard as it is to do this when in pain and already sensitive to it -- is to know that none of those comments made to you are about you. They are about them. They might be jealous of you having 3 boys, jealous of you being able to have kids older, jealous of being able to have kids -- period. Etc.

It sucks to hear though, when you yourself are so raw from it yourself.

I hope this pain eases soon. I hope, whatever you decided to do, brings you peace. I hope you use us here to work through your feelings, and ideally find/have a professional to work with, too.

[GlitterMouse]

Thanks for your reply Throwaway, what you have written is kind and thoughtful. I honestly cannot believe anybody would be jealous of anything about me but I hear what you're saying.

I love my boys, their maleness, the simplicity in everything they do and how loving they are. However I genuinely have no interest in vehicles, engines, superheroes or probably any other traditionally 'male oriented' topic. I find showing interest incredibly difficult but I do it whole-heartedly as that's part of being a Mum. I just feel exhausted at the thought of doing all this again. I know boys can like baking and music and dancing and mine do too. I just wanted to experience a female way of doing things with another female. I'm not naive, I know a daughter would be her own person, not necessarily girly but I was ok with that. I just wanted a shot.

I need to find a way to readjust all of my thinking. I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic but professional father and there were big expectations on me to cover up what our homelife was really like. My main coping mechanism was to tell myself that one day I would have a daughter and give her the life I never had. I planned this regularly from as far back as I can remember and into adulthood. This was going to right any wrongs that happened in my past. Now that will never happen.

Urgh. My GD feels like an open wound that will not heal.

[Complex Emotions]

I'm so sorry. It's such a deeply complicated grief, and society doesn't have any system to acknowledge it which makes it all the more painful.

I hope you're able to give yourself the time and space you need to process these emotions and come through just as you did with your second son.

Like Throwaway mentioned, a therapist could help you work through everything you're feeling, especially the struggles from your childhood.

[atomic sagebrush]

Oh Glitter, I'm so sorry. That was exactly how I felt with DS 3 too. My two older boys were nearly grown and I just couldn't believe I had to do it all over again for another boy. I kept thinking "my uterus was like 3 days away from retirement and NOW THIS!!" And people really WERE laughing at me (since I'd gone all that time, 13/15 years only to get another boy), they won't be at you. 3 boys is not a strange and unusual family, it just isn't.

But, every kid, I've found, is their own journey. There was a lot new to discover with him. I hadn't done it all and seen it all with my my first two, he's a totally different guy (as is my 4th). They are all weirdly different from each other. I also believe that in all-one-gender families, it's a cool dynamic in that they're freed up from having to be "the boy" or "the girl" and can just be whoever it is that they are.

I will also tell you that sitting here now, with a 25 and 22 year old that no longer live at home, I thank God every day for my little guys. Even if I had not gotten a girl in the end, I would be very, very happy that I took my uterus off the bench LOL. Because your older boys WILL grow up and you may find that wow, this was exactly the right thing. I have a (male) friend who is really losing his mind right now as his second son is leaving home. I honestly cannot envision what my husband and I would be doing and talking about right now. I would probably be the most bored and unhappy person ever if I hadn't done it all over again (boy or girl!) You've given yourself a mommy extension and while I know it's all very theoretical now, someday, and I mean someday very soon, you are not going to be able to imagine your life any other way.

[GlitterMouse]

Thanks for your kind replies. Atomic, you said some really insightful things and I know in the fullness of time that I will feel the same way as you. There's just a mountain to climb before then...

Sadly, people where I live will laugh at me and probably worse, pity me. My own sister will pity me. She 'ordered' her children in that she expressed what she wanted three times over and conceived each one first attempt of trying. She made it very public when she had her first daughter 'its a girl, I'm so pleased, yes! yes! I got her'. She then fancied a son and guess what?Bingo! Third time she wanted another daughter and of course she got her "Oh, I just love all the pink, she's an angel and such an easy baby and so perfect and now my son has his own place and won't have middle child syndrome" cliche after cliche after cliche. I sound bitter and jealous I know.

My Mum will be thrilled at another son for me. I heard so many times from her when growing up that sons leave you and move on with their wives. She will be glad that this will happen to me. I will remain in my box and be her constant companion.

Friends who have mixed genders will be thrilled. One upmanship runs through the veins of this town. They will tilt their heads to the side and make sympathetic noises even though I never asked them to or even expressed to them my disappointment. That is saved for DH and this site. They'll then speed off in their cars, high five themselves and thank God it's not them. Best get away quick in case the bad luck rubs off.

My friends who are mothers of only sons will be thrilled. They are fed up of being criticised and belittled and I will continue to be in their gang, helping to normalise the 'life sentence' that is multiple sons. I am very, very lucky to have them.

My lovely sons will be ecstatic. A brother is all they want and they've made that clear since the moment I told them about a baby. They love 'boyness' and I love them for it. In that respect I am happy to be giving they what they want. DH is happy. He's a kind, patient, level and loving man and would never resent any child, any gender. He is a better person than me.

So the only unhappy person is me and all I can do is suck it up and get on with it.

I am so grateful to everyone here for trying to help me and make me feel better. Thank you xx And to all the anonymous readers who are in the same despair-big hugs to you xx

[Claire33]

I had such hard GD with my 3rd son. It was awful, I could hardly sleep, I just hated that I was pregnant and wanted the baby to disappear. He was a planned section and I did fall in love with him immediately. I still am, he is such a wonderful little child. Throughout my pregnancy with him, to avoid pity, I just smiled my biggest smile and said "It's another boy, exactly what we were thinking!!! We're really looking forward to having another little boy!" Fake it until you make it. People can't pity a person who is smiling and happy. Hugs to you, you will be ok and you will love this little one just like the others. Only my DH knows how disappointed I was, everyone else has no clue. And believe me, even if someone pities you, they won't think about it for long, they are too wrapped up in their own lives anyway to use their time pitying you. Just be proud of your wonderful family, enjoy those little boys, who cares about anyone else, they don't matter in the long run.

[allie1422]

I have 2 daughters, so opposite of most of you on this thread but I desperately wanted a boy. I thought maybe I’d see why everyone badly wants a girl since I’m having a hard time of only having girls. I can’t tell you how many people apologize to me for having 2 girls, or almost ridicule me for it (ie. making comments about paying for 2 weddings, have 2 girls during the teenage years, etc). It’s already hard enough, and the comments don’t help. I love my girls with all my heart and I want to make that clear, but a piece of me still feels pain, almost like I’m grieving over my non-existent son. My youngest daughter is now 3, and I still feel the pain of not having a boy and wonder if it will ever go away. My husband and I have discussed trying for a third, but I have a strong feeling it will be another girl and I just don’t know if I can handle that. Plus my husband is pretty happy with the 2 girls (he wasn’t disappointed at all in not having a son), and he’d rather not try for another unless it was something I really wanted. I think if I did try for a 3rd, I wouldn’t find out the gender until baby was born, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed. For those of you who desperately want girls – Just remember it’s not all about dressing pretty and shopping and having that special bond. Girls are extremely emotional, very dramatic, and they can be manipulative. Mine aren’t manipulative yet, but I worry about other girls during their teenage years. I feel like overall it’s more difficult to be a girl than a boy for kids these days (probably challenging for both genders actually during those teenager years). And I think boys can have just as special of a bond with their mothers. Anyway, I hope everyone finds peace in their situation!!

[Throwaway_panther]

I have 2 daughters, so opposite of most of you on this thread but I desperately wanted a boy. I thought maybe I’d see why everyone badly wants a girl since I’m having a hard time of only having girls. I can’t tell you how many people apologize to me for having 2 girls, or almost ridicule me for it (ie. making comments about paying for 2 weddings, have 2 girls during the teenage years, etc). It’s already hard enough, and the comments don’t help. I love my girls with all my heart and I want to make that clear, but a piece of me still feels pain, almost like I’m grieving over my non-existent son. My youngest daughter is now 3, and I still feel the pain of not having a boy and wonder if it will ever go away. My husband and I have discussed trying for a third, but I have a strong feeling it will be another girl and I just don’t know if I can handle that. Plus my husband is pretty happy with the 2 girls (he wasn’t disappointed at all in not having a son), and he’d rather not try for another unless it was something I really wanted. I think if I did try for a 3rd, I wouldn’t find out the gender until baby was born, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed. For those of you who desperately want girls – Just remember it’s not all about dressing pretty and shopping and having that special bond. Girls are extremely emotional, very dramatic, and they can be manipulative. Mine aren’t manipulative yet, but I worry about other girls during their teenage years. I feel like overall it’s more difficult to be a girl than a boy for kids these days (probably challenging for both genders actually during those teenager years). And I think boys can have just as special of a bond with their mothers. Anyway, I hope everyone finds peace in their situation!!

I feel where you're coming from as another mother of a girl desperately wanting a boy -- but I feel like there's some rule that's somewhere on this forum about not talking **** about the genders we all want/don't want (or maybe it's only been posted for certain threads). No, girls are NOT extremely emotional, very dramatic, and manipulative -- you're right on the last one in that they CAN be, just like boys can be. Boys and men in particular can be extremely emotional -- there's a lot of studies out there now noting this, and noting how because men have traditionally been told not to express or deal with their emotions, it's become the toxic masculinity that affects so many resulting in violence because of anger/sadness/rage. But obviously not all men experience this either, and I can only hope society continues to stress the importance of men AND women being true to themselves.

I feel like the stereotyping of genders is such a big part of why so many women end up feeling depressed over what they get. But it does not have to be the case, and we can all do our part to fight back against society's thrall.

That's why I flip this and say: GlitterMouse, you and other boy moms yearning for a DD, if you feel another sway is out of the cards for you, perhaps the way to get over what you want is right in front of you, too. You can nurture the things you sought in a girl in your sons -- nurture them to be good to women, sensitive to their emotional needs and others. Studies have shown that while boys, at least many boys, tend to still have a natural drive to certain things (machine type toys, guns, etc.), that they will ALSO be happy if nurtured and exposed to other things if they don't have someone teasing or beating it out of them (an unfortunate reality for generations of men) -- everything from baby dolls to paining their nails. I don't know a single boy who doesn't like painting their nails until they hit grade school and get to bullying... often from adults!

I get the desire for experiencing a female way of doing things with another female -- but it's possible your dreamed of DD could have had all the same interests as the ones you weren't fond of, especially having older brothers. It's possible one of your sons really will get your mindset and favor the things you do if you and your DH allow him to.

[ChezIBY]

Thanks for your kind replies. Atomic, you said some really insightful things and I know in the fullness of time that I will feel the same way as you. There's just a mountain to climb before then...

Sadly, people where I live will laugh at me and probably worse, pity me. My own sister will pity me. She 'ordered' her children in that she expressed what she wanted three times over and conceived each one first attempt of trying. She made it very public when she had her first daughter 'its a girl, I'm so pleased, yes! yes! I got her'. She then fancied a son and guess what?Bingo! Third time she wanted another daughter and of course she got her "Oh, I just love all the pink, she's an angel and such an easy baby and so perfect and now my son has his own place and won't have middle child syndrome" cliche after cliche after cliche. I sound bitter and jealous I know.

My Mum will be thrilled at another son for me. I heard so many times from her when growing up that sons leave you and move on with their wives. She will be glad that this will happen to me. I will remain in my box and be her constant companion.

Friends who have mixed genders will be thrilled. One upmanship runs through the veins of this town. They will tilt their heads to the side and make sympathetic noises even though I never asked them to or even expressed to them my disappointment. That is saved for DH and this site. They'll then speed off in their cars, high five themselves and thank God it's not them. Best get away quick in case the bad luck rubs off.

My friends who are mothers of only sons will be thrilled. They are fed up of being criticised and belittled and I will continue to be in their gang, helping to normalise the 'life sentence' that is multiple sons. I am very, very lucky to have them.

My lovely sons will be ecstatic. A brother is all they want and they've made that clear since the moment I told them about a baby. They love 'boyness' and I love them for it. In that respect I am happy to be giving they what they want. DH is happy. He's a kind, patient, level and loving man and would never resent any child, any gender. He is a better person than me.

So the only unhappy person is me and all I can do is suck it up and get on with it.

I am so grateful to everyone here for trying to help me and make me feel better. Thank you xx And to all the anonymous readers who are in the same despair-big hugs to you xx

OK seriously GlitterMouse, I just want to get a baseball bat and go around swatting all the people making such nasty comments about your family and the genders of yours kids (seems to be a common issue for many women on here, dealing with comments). I mean, seriously, how mega insensitive is that!! Incredible! Let's just be clear that it's those people who have a HUGE problem, right, and you don't have ANY.

OK, so that won't stop the comments and won't stop you feeling bad/sad, so let's focus on what could make it better and brainstorm a bit. As far as dealing with comments from strangers/random people you are not very close with, I think you have a couple of options - there's what Claire33 suggested, the high road I think. Or, a method my husband taught me for annoying comments that bug you - throw it back in the people's face and make it their problem (that doesn't sound very pretty, but hey, if people want to hurt you on purpose, I say you can defend yourself!)
Example:
Person: So Glitter, found out what you're having yet?
Glitter: Oh, it's another boy.
Person: Aw (makes the head tilt, 'poor you' gestures, whatever) what a shame! You must be bummed out!
Glitter, staying cool and collected and looking the person up and down with a show of mild curiosity: Oh really? Why do you say that though - is that how you would have felt in my place? Is it super important for you what everyone else thinks about you and your family? Do you know why, are you kind of insecure?

You get the gist, basically turn it around and make it look like it's the other person who has the problem, not you - which, let's face it, they do, if they are saying such stupid things.

Other option - keep it a secret from everyone that you know the gender, provided DH agrees, don't tell anyone you found out? Once the kiddo is here you'll maybe be so happy and wrapped up in him, you won't care half as much 'bout the comments;

Your Mum sounds like mine, except that the issue is different - mine considers herself a model example in every respect, a sort of 'standard' that me and my sisters should always strive to achieve and will be thrilled that I'm having a girl (cause I haven't told anyone yet) because I will be 'just like her' and she can tell me what I 'should be doing' and how I 'should be raising my kid' at every moment (which drives me nuts and went into my anxiety about having a DD - just so anxious about re-creating this pattern with a girl of my own.) But you know what? You decide, NOT your Mum, and having sons does NOT mean they'll grow up and leave you, see what Atomic and Panther said. Sons can have a special and great connection with their mother/other female relative, for sure! (My DH, the person in his family he is closest to is his grandma! DH is over thirty now and they are still super close and he would rather hang out with her anytime than go out clubbing/drinking/whatever with chums!) You'll build your own relationship with your DSs and phooey on what your Mum or other family members think! It's not their kid or their family. (If you don't mind my adding, it sounds like your Mum is kind of insecure in hoping that she will always have a 'constant companion' this way - she probably has issues of her own, which are in no way your problem, so don't fret over it!) If boys were destined to always grow up and abandon their moms like that, no one on here'd be swaying blue!!

Your sister sounds incredible too, I mean going public about how she conceived her kids like that? Meh, something gives me the feeling that just a few years down the line you will look at her 'perfect gender composition' family and your own and you will feel like you'd never have traded yours for hers; I feel like you and your DH (who sounds great and very sweet) will raise much more thoughtful and affectionate kids.

You hang in there Glitter, and go over what Atomic said particularly as she was in exactly the same place with her DS3. And if you ever feel down and nothing seems to be working against those comments, you just imagine me walking by your side and whacking those insensitive bastards with my bat! Seriously, I'm going to go drink a camomile infusion now or something to chill, I am outraged that people would make those kind of comments to you!!!! All the best.