Hi,

So this is something I have only told people very close to me but I feel this is a safe place to talk about it. When I had my last son (I have 2 boys and a girl in the order boy, girl, boy) I had my heart set on another daughter. I had pretended my entire pregnancy I didn’t mind but deep down I had a strong preference. I have kept the sex of all my kids to date a surprise. I cried with happiness when my first son was born and cried with excitement when my daughter was born. Then came surprise #3, another boy, and to this day I feel completely ashamed of how I felt. When he was born I remember looking at him and thinking what the hell! This isn’t what I wanted!! The disappointment must have been completely apparent to everyone in the room and I didn’t even want to look at him. I had convinced myself he was a she and those feelings I had, I never want to feel again! I spent the night crying on the phone to my mum and I would just look at him and think this couldn’t be right. By the next day things started improving and I was quickly completely and utterly in love with this beautiful little baby boy. He is 11 months old now and has been an absolute joy. My first baby that actually slept! He is super chilled and has the most amazing little personality. But those initial feelings have left me scarred for life. I still think about it and think what a horrible person I am for thinking and feeling that about my child.

So baby number 4 is due at the end of January and again I have a pretty strong preference towards a girl. Why? Because I want a sister for my daughter like I had. But it is silly really and I know it may not happen and I am sure she would grow up fine been loved by all her brothers. I am seeing a new psychologist (for depression and anxiety unrelated to pregnancy) and decided to mention it. She was very understanding and told me that if I have a preference to one particular sex then I needed to find out before the baby arrives. She seems adamant that I will be able to deal with my feelings beforehand this way and that the prior experience at the birth will not be repeated by doing so. She has also assured me that it will still be exciting at the birth even though I will know the sex. I am not sold on this as I have never felt excited for other people’s babies when I have already known the sex beforehand. I feel like it’s one of life’s biggest surprises.

So I am after people’s advice. What did you do? Did it help? What are the chances they will tell me the incorrect sex at the 20 week scan?

Also, if I find out am I better just having it written down and sealed in an envelope and opening it privately when I have time to deal with whatever emotions it brings?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks