Swaying after Miscarriage

[Mochagirl]

I've already PM'd a lot of you and had discussions on several unrelated threads, but I thought it would be useful to start a thread on swaying after miscarriage in case it could help others. As most of you know, I had a m/c 5 days ago, and am in the midst of planning my next attempt. There is just such a wide range of advice on what is best after a miscarriage, and for every piece of advice I get, I find something contradictory elsewhere.

Just for fun (and to help keep me distracted while I wait to O again), let's play a game of Fact or Fiction. I'm interested to hear about people's experiences with any or all of these issues.

1) The first cycle after a m/c (before your first period) sways girl

I really want to believe this, and I definitely have heard lots of stories about women having a girl after a m/c, but how come I keep hearing the exact opposite everywhere as well: that the cycle after m/c sways boy? Why exactly does it sway one way or the other? Is it hormones? Also, is this sway factor strong enough to make up for the fact that I won't be able to do the diet for longer than maybe 2-3 weeks before I O? If you have stories about women with lots of boys conceiving a girl right after a m/c, I want to hear about it!

2) It is safe to try to conceive again right away

My midwife told me to wait two full periods before trying again or I will increase my chance of another m/c, which to me was devastating news. I'm 37 and want to be done having babies. I also don't want a big gap between ds3 and this baby since one of the main reasons (other than wanting a girl) I want baby #4 is for him to have a playmate. It took us 4 months to conceive last time (+ an extra 6 weeks on the diet), then with 3 months of pregnancy before my m/c that means I've lost well over half a year. I want to get started NOW. I feel like being pregnant again will also help a lot with my grief.

I've since discovered that lots of doctors and midwives tell women it's fine to start right away - that news was music to my ears (and a special big thanks to the lovely DM who asked several knowledgeable midwives for advice on my behalf), and I really want to believe it. I'd love to hear stories of women who conceived right after a m/c (especially after a late m/c 10 weeks or later) and carried their baby to term - it would help me feel better about trying so soon.

Ok ladies, discuss. This stuff is all I can think about lately, and I'm going to need to make my decision soon since my bleeding is finally stopping and I could O in the next week or two if I'm really, really lucky (apparently some women O as soon as 2 weeks after a m/c). My dream is to have a BFP by Christmas, but it's not worth it if rushing it (and not spending long enough preparing my sway) will up my chances of having another boy or, most importantly, if I will be increasing my chance of another m/c.

[rainbowflower]

Oh Mocha, I didn't know about your loss - so sorry

I can't answer #1, but I can answer #2 as I did a lot of reading after my MMC last year. The reason they ask you to wait for 1 period is (1) to have a "clearout" (sorry, there's no nice way to put that) although not everyone needs that and (2) so that they can date the next pregnancy should you fall straight away, although this is nothing that a scan couldn't resolve.

I think some couples might also need the break TBH, time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened.

Also, most first cycles after a MC are anovulatory.

You should always wait until you get a neg HPT before TTC again - so you know that any BFP you get after that is a new pregnancy and not "retained products" (again, sorry) and also not TTC until you have stopped bleeding/spotting.


ETA - often the later your loss, the longer it can take AF to return - although this is normally within 6 weeks. Cycles can be irregular after a MC, so I guess that might sway pink. Finally, nature's cruel twist, even if not pregnant you might find you get intense pregnancy signs during your 2ww as your body is then more sensitive to the progesterone - I had this for a couple of cycles after my MC and know many others who have too.

[Mochagirl]

Thanks, rainbow - it's been a tough week. Yes, I've definitely seen the dating argument for waiting, as well as the grieving argument. However, after a natural m/c, like mine, and an u/s to confirm that everything has passed (which I have scheduled for Tuesday), the advice from many sources seem to be that there's no physical reason not to try again right away. I would definitely use an HPT before making my attempt, and I also have a blood test scheduled for this coming Friday and plan to ask them to test my HCG levels.

[Mochagirl]

Oh, and thanks for making this a sticky - I know many women have these same questions after a m/c. Hopefully we can all help each other.

[rainbowflower]

only you will know if you feel really ready or not, you know your mind and body best. If you have a clear scan and normal blood results you will likely have no physical barriers to it.

FWIW I tried to TTC straight after my MC although wasn't swaying, but I had loads of spotting, wasn't using OPKs although I was temping... I had no idea what my body was doing as it kept on spotting ALL cycle and I don't think my body had any idea either. It was the most stressful and depressing situation to be in limbo like that not knowing when AF was due. AF showed up after 6 weeks in the end. We didn't get a BD in during our fertile window (calculated based on when AF showed up) but AF showing up again still brought it all back and hurt all over again. Perhaps it would have been better to wait a cycle, then again I just wanted to be pregnant again ASAP and waiting didn't feel productive.

[Indira]

Mocha I´m sorry for your loss.

Question 1: I´m sorry I don´t have stories like that, I can only say we skipped the first cycle after miscarriage and conceived Ds 2 on the second cycle. Surely my diet was boy-friendly then: my MC happened on Christmas and I was feeling sad and sorry for myself for weeks and consoled myself with lots of food and chocolate.

Question2: I also got a lot of different opinions, I had a control US a couple of weeks later, the dr. told me I was about to OV and that we could go for it right away. My homeopathic dr. told me to wait 6 months, that was upsetting to me and not acceptable (I was feeling sad and empty and the only thing I wanted was to get pregnant again). The dr. in the hospital that diagnosed the MC told me to wait for 1 AF so that´s what we did.
The only thought that made me get through it was to start TTC again and get back pregnant again, so I completely understand you want to try now. After Ds2 was born I did wish I would have waited 3-4 months because getting back pregnant so soon made that I couldn´t ´enjoy ´ that pregnancy at all, also DH and our relatives were very worried and gave me a hard time trying to live that pregnancy as a natural, pleasant thing. The new pregnancy was determined in everything by the experience of the MC, and it was not about this new live that was coming to us. Once Ds2 was born the MC faded out a lot ofcourse. And I don´t know if it would have been any different if I had waited 3-4 months. Unfortunately, I think once this happens, pregnancy is never going to be the same again.
I really hope you will be pregnant very soon with a little pink bean

[Mochagirl]

Unfortunately, I think once this happens, pregnancy is never going to be the same again.

Thanks for your thoughts, Indira. I know in my heart you're right - now that I've experienced m/c I know I can no longer experience the carefree thrill of early pregnancy - I will always be fearful.

Oh, and did I know you were pregnant? Sorry if I missed that - congratulations!!!

[TTC5]

Oh Mocha, I had no idea
I am SO SO sorry xxx

[rainbowflower]

Thanks for your thoughts, Indira. I know in my heart you're right - now that I've experienced m/c I know I can no longer experience the carefree thrill of early pregnancy - I will always be fearful.

Oh, and did I know you were pregnant? Sorry if I missed that - congratulations!!!

I think that's true as well... although I never had the stress-free pregnancy experience myself at all (I was a regular poster on forums even then so knew the MC risks well), but once you have experienced one it's easy to become a nervous wreck.

Chances are you will always be afraid of a MC again now during pregnancy, and although you might choose to wait to TTC for fear of having another, it doesn't mean that the fear will go away after a few months.

[Mochagirl]

rainbow - I know what you mean. Because of my involvement in so many online communities, I knew the reality of m/c well. Still, having never had one myself I always felt somewhat invincible. I was always cautious for the first 6 weeks or so of pregnancy, but if I got past that unscathed I felt safe. I certainly never imagined I'd m/c at 11 weeks! I'm soooo thankful I hadn't told the kids about the pregnancy because I was very close to doing it several times.

I agree that waiting won't alleviate my fears. Honestly for me I don't see any benefit to waiting at all (as long as it's physically safe to start trying right away). I think being pregnant again would make me feel so much better. I definitely have a loss of innocence now but I'm still hopeful for the future.