If it fails, is the disappointment WORSE than gender disappointment?

[lemonade]

Boom, there was no reason for my recurrent MC's. I was 26, fit and healthy, perfect 28 day cycles, positive ovulation tests same day each month. I had multiple tests done by an RE and it was determined to just be "bad luck", which was very unhelpful to my sanity at the time.

It can happen to anyone, no matter their history. It recently happened to my good friend in her 20s, who already has a healthy baby. Three unexplained in a row.

It was bad enough to get BFNs after perfectly timed cycles at home after my MCs, but to get one after $20K+ as wells as 6 months of invasive testing, procedures, and emotional investment and obsession, I'm pretty sure it would destroy me. Then I'm pretty sure I'd want to try again, so it wasn't a total sunk cost, and then we'd be $40K+ down. And who really knows for sure if that time would work either? There seems to be too much working against it all to justify it for me, the way the technology stands now.

In all honesty, I wasn't very reassured after recently interviewing a highly renowned clinic by phone, and they're the ones who were supposed to be selling it to me. Plus the cost has risen inexplicably by several thousand even since the last time I spoke to them. How high would it be by the time we would have been ready to even start this whole thing? The whole thing seems wildly unpredictable and a huge gamble.

I'm sad because I thought it was the answer.

[atomic sagebrush]

It certainly would be an expensive MC and that worries me too and I have only had one. MC rates are much lower with IVF though aren't they because they use the best embryo of the bunch. Something you can not do when TTC natrually.

Miscarriage rates are NOT LOWER with IVF. Some people say that, but I personally do not buy that for 5 minutes.

They know about .001 of how all this works. There is just so much they don't know how do do and tweak, and honestly, so many things have to go exactly perfect for any pregnancy to work (natural or ART) that it's not surprising that it doesn't work out when it doesn't, the miracle is that it works as often as it does!!!

[atomic sagebrush]

I just wanted to say I admire you guys for discussing this and being so forthright with each other, because sometimes I feel that this aspect is glossed over - every person with a successful HT go round will of course chime in and say oh yes, it's all worth it, then the people who had it "fail" tend to go away and never mention how bad it really was for them. But I have talked to several people who have been, I don't want to say "destroyed" by it but def. crushed and now they have no money and no baby, YK?

There is always the option, and sometimes we forget to mention it on here, but always the option of making the decision to be happy with one's family as it is, and I know tons of people who did just that and they all seem to be having a better time than me LOL. THere is something to consider, even when the dream comes true, that if you're stretched so thin timewise and financially that you may not even be able to enjoy having your DG if you get them, if that makes sense. I wouldn't change anything having my DD, but it is more than I bargained for when I first dreamed the dream of a girl, and our finances are HORRIBLE I didn't even go HT, just the whole pregnancy costs and so on. It ends up reducing the amount you're able to enjoy your dream coming true.

[LacePrincess]

Miscarriage rates are NOT LOWER with IVF. Some people say that, but I personally do not buy that for 5 minutes.

They know about .001 of how all this works. There is just so much they don't know how do do and tweak, and honestly, so many things have to go exactly perfect for any pregnancy to work (natural or ART) that it's not surprising that it doesn't work out when it doesn't, the miracle is that it works as often as it does!!!

Thank you!! This really needs to be pointed out!

IVF is usually the 'last ditch' resort for infertile ladies, and when it comes between never having a child and spending a fortune at least trying, the choice is obvious. But for most of us here that's not our situation. We have to remember that, for proven fertile women, our chances naturally are likely as good or even better than using IVF for the purpose of getting pregnant. The GS part is a whole 'nother issue. All our money is buying is a chance at choosing our desired gender, it does not buy us any guarantee of IVF sticking.

They know a lot and yet so little. And they can't make even the best embryo implant. I liken it to throwing one of those velcro balls at a felt wall. You can pick the best and stickiest velcro ball you can find, but at the end of the day you're just lobbing it at the felt wall and hoping it'll stick.

[atomic sagebrush]

great analogy, I'm totally stealing that!

[1+2+3boys]

Sorry to hear about your MCs Lemonade. We are the same age, I can't imagine the pain. I hope you get some answers.

Atomic- I can relate to your post about being so busy and having less money with more kids. I am pretty stretched time wise already and we don't have the most money in the world. It would be smart to stop now but I want my girl. That is why we will only try for one more. If HT were in my Country it would be a no brainer. Sometimes I wonder if I should just try to move on and be happy with my life the way it is which is sort of what I try to do while I am in limbo waiting to make a decission. I can't imagine the pain of doing it all again and not getting my girl as much as we would love him. I think I will just have to stick to a cheaper clinic like Cz.

My big C. I think there are only two COuntries in Europe that do PGD. Czech Republic and Cyprus

[lemonade]

Sorry to hear about your MCs Lemonade. We are the same age, I can't imagine the pain. I hope you get some answers.

Thanks 1+2+3boys... the MCs actually happened BEFORE I had DS1. Then I had my healthy DS2 right after him. There were no answers from any doctor, all my tests came back normal. It was just bad luck, and now that I have had 2 healthy kids in a row, I believe it.

The same explanation would be given if HT failed. Just bad luck, even if everything lined up perfectly. Except this time, the bad luck has $20,000+ and 6 months of stress and emotions behind it. I love LacePrincess's velcro ball metaphor. And with so many people saying "it's wise to plan for more than one cycle, as often the first try doesn't work" it goes from a fairly expensive gamble to a VERY expensive gamble pretty quickly. As in, it doubles. It would be different if there was any form of a refund, or even discount, but it seems like that's out of the question with this kind of PGD.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that odds are actually higher I'd have a girl next naturally, especially with a sway, than doing HT and having a healthy XX embryo to transfer, actually stick, and last an entire pregnancy through HT on the first try. Am I way off in thinking this?

[bluebonnet22]

lemonade - I don't know about the odds of the pregnancy sticking for HT vs natural, but keep in mind the odds for natural swaying are still roughly 60%. So I guess the question is would you like a 60% chance of having a DD or 40% chance of having a DS "for free" vs with IVF you end up with no baby if it's not successful. Taking the money out of the equation - which is worse to you, an opposite or no baby ? Either way you know you've tried your best it just depends which is more upsetting to you.

[LacePrincess]

lemonade, you're definitely so right about the rabbit hole that you can fall into when starting HT. That's why I believe that a hard limit is a MUST when it comes to financial limits. It's like gambling - the more you lose, the less you can bear to give up. That "just one more, the next one will be the jackpot" kind of thinking.

It really comes down to if it's a dealbreaker for you not to have an opposite I think. For us, we want another child (or two) and our DG would be wonderful but more boys would still be welcome. Not everyone feels that way.

[Dreamofpink]

I know I wouldn't give up if we had the money for HT, so I'm glad it's out of the question for us. I want a couple more anyway so I just have to hope!

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