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  1. #1
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    Lightbulb If it fails, is the disappointment WORSE than gender disappointment?

    It seems pretty common for the first cycle of ivf to fail. (Am I right?) So, if you spend $20K or more only to get a BFN, how devastating is it? Does it damage your relationship? Do you go through the same depression as you would if you were having a gender opposite? Does it make your GD even more rabid? How do you justify to yourself the large amount of money gone forever? Do clinics do anything to help with this?
    (2010-2011) ... (2012) ... (2014) ... (2015)

  2. #2
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    It's awful! I got a BFP first cycle but then sadly had a m/c at 9 weeks. It made me more determined than ever to get my DD, even though I'd initially promised DH (and really believed I meant it) that we would have one go at HT (as it went against all of his beliefs) and then walk away knowing we had tried but it was not meant to be. How wrong I was, and very luckily it worked for us second time, as it was starting to put strain on our relationship with me promising that this really was it whatever the outcome and I'd move forwards and get on with our life. I'd had very bad GD for 2.5 years since DS3 was born before we started this journey. However, if you go to a great clinic and have good pre-testing, you are probably in with over a 50% chance of being a OHW but there are certainly no guarantees. Good luck xx

  3. #3
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    It's not fun but it is really a personal question meaning how I react may be totally different that how you take it. Some will be even more determined to make it work and try again and some will loathe the fact that they just spent $15,000 and have nothing to show for it and then others will not be happy about the money but will feel like they at least tried and did all they could to make their dream a reality. If you are going to be in the poor house or are spending money you do not have and can't pay back then HT is probably not the best choice. If you have savings and have a way to repay any debt incurred by going HT, in the grand scheme of life, it is a drop in the bucket and the only way to get there is to try. Without at least trying, you will never succeed- unless of course you sway and get your baby that way!
    Mom to

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    It's better to look back on life and say: "I can't believe I did that" than to look back and say "I wish I did that".

    New to IVF/PGD for Family Balancing? Read this- Understanding IVF/PGD- a HT Guide for those New to the IVF/PGD Process

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  4. #4
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    If you go to a good clinic AND you have good pretesting, you have a great chance of it working the first time.
    Mom to

    and my IVF/PGD

    It's better to look back on life and say: "I can't believe I did that" than to look back and say "I wish I did that".

    New to IVF/PGD for Family Balancing? Read this- Understanding IVF/PGD- a HT Guide for those New to the IVF/PGD Process

    Need a Natural Swaying Plan? Naturally sway for a boy or a girl- Personalized Swaying Plans

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  5. #5
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    I promised dh we would not go into debt for ivf. We would do one cycle and be satisfied, whether it worked or not. Now I know that I won't be able to give up if my PGD tested XX doesn't stick. I am furious I didn't do it sooner, now that I rwalize how starting a year earlier could have meant more eggs and a higher chance of success. Dh said we had to just accept it as fate, that it wasn't meant to be, and I felt so angry. It wasn't fate, it was twenty years of birth control; if I just had a baby every year, I'd have plenty of both by now so don't talk to me about fate! So, no, if ivf fails, I know I will just be more crazy than ever.

  6. #6
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    Most clinics in the UK offer a (paid) counselling service for failed cycles. But we don't have gender selection here.
    I assumed it would take us at least 2 goes, but I wanted the second to be a frozen transfer from the first cycle. We didn't have any left so I was disappointed even before my BFN because we did not plan for a second full cycle.
    once I got the negative test, I mourned for an evening but felt better as soon as I resolved to go for another cycle.
    1st Marriage 1999 2002
    2nd Marriage 2008 2011
    #1 Dogus N Cyprus BFN
    HT July -Aug 2015 - Too beautiful for this world
    Sep 2015 FET at Clinic R CZ BFN
    Due July 2016 with a rainbow natural conception

  7. #7
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    Also, DH was against another cycle at first, but once he gave his reasons I was able to assure him on each point. It was also important to him to have a limit agreed, so we said we will keep trying IVF until August 2015 and then try naturally before my fertility becomes an issue. If still no DD, at least my broodiness will be satisfied and we can apply to adopt
    1st Marriage 1999 2002
    2nd Marriage 2008 2011
    #1 Dogus N Cyprus BFN
    HT July -Aug 2015 - Too beautiful for this world
    Sep 2015 FET at Clinic R CZ BFN
    Due July 2016 with a rainbow natural conception

  8. #8
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    I think it's hard but at least for me I don't regret having tried. I'm starting my second and last own eggs cycle. I think GD disappointment is worse than BFN but it depends on you. It's very personal
    Mum to a beautiful and dreaming with a little (or two!!!! )

    --------------------------

    Cycle #1 HRC. September 2014. 7 retrieved, 5 mature, 4 fertilized and tested. One XX comp EB B/C transferred. BFN

    Cycle #2 HRC. January 2015. 4 retrieved, 1 mature, 0 fertilized. NT.

    Cycle #3 HRC

    Little Mon we're waiting for you!!! 06.17.

    Baby Mon is coming

  9. #9
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    I think it is hard to say because everyone and each situation is different. So I will tell you how I think I would feel. I do not think failed HT would feel worse than a failed sway because we absolutely only want one more child and we are going over our 'number'. I only want another baby so I can have a girl, I am not TTC my last planned for child and at my last chance to get a girl, I already used up all my chances and I wish I could be done because as much as I love my children, I am tired and feel like I can only just handle what I have and even that is a struggle sometimes. If I swayed and got a boy I would love him dearly but that would be it, I'd have to get over never having a daughter and I think the hard times would be just that little bit harder knowing I took on alot more work and still didn't get my dream come true.

    I think I if you get an opposite and then decide to go on to HT, it is going to be even harder to pay for with that extra child to care for that you never really planned for. Now that DS1 is starting school soon and one of DPs is starting intermediate (what I think you call middle school) I can see how expensive children really are. I think the money forked out for HT is alot less than paying one child from birth to adulthood plus Uni if you help them with it. We lost alot of money with our last business and it was a gamble and it hurt but we have finally gotten rid of the debt and now the money does not seem as much even though we could be in a better place now. We payed for a wonderful oppertunity and if we did not the chance would never been there. I think with failed HT as opposed to failed sway there would be more of a feeling of knowing you really did try all you could to get your DG. I think it all depends how desperate you are for your DG.

    I'm finding this really hard to explain and it sounded WAY better before I started typing. My head does not work so well after a couple of glasses of wine!!! I should have come back to this tomorrow but I had already started typing. I hope my typos are not too bad.

    I guess what I am trying to say is, money is not everything and I think I have the right to say that since we are not rich or even at that comfortable point with money where we can buy everything we need without having to cut back on other things and we will have to work hard to save for HT for quite some time. If it fails, it will sting badly but I may be in the position to get enough money to try again. If we sway and still don't get a girl that's it because I know how many children I can handle and I certainly do not want 5.

    I hope this helps a tiny bit. Good luck with what you decide.
    DPs sons 21 +13 11 + our 6 4 year old identical twins!

    I might actually be over my deep yearning for a and it's an exciting feeling

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  11. #10
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    Well.....we aren't *quite* done with the first cycle yet I guess, so we'll see.

    I think for me that, having struggled with conceiving at all in the past, and having turned 35 (YIKES!!) that my biological clock is ticking louder than GD. I worry more about not being able to have any baby at this point than really worrying about having a girl.

    One thing I really didn't expect going into HT was how much TIME you waste just waiting for stuff! It's unbelievable. I mean, we started the whole thing around last July. It took July-Aug for pretesting. Then I was on the pill preparing for the ivf, the ivf itself, the no transfer, then trying to get ready for the FET. Which got cancelled for the cyst. So that meant for an entire HALF A YEAR I had absolutely zero chance of falling pregnant. Six months of NO chance at all, when with trying naturally I could've had at least 6-7 chances of catching an egg!!

    It's not even the money - it's too much time that I simply don't feel like I have. Money is one thing, time you cannot buy back.

    The other thing is, at this point there is such an enormous age gap with my youngest being 5 years old, that when we have another baby I will have to buy new EVERYTHING anyways, including new baby furniture, so really it feels like a brand new thing. So I think that helps the idea of having another boy if it comes to that, as the baby wouldn't be using up hand me downs so there's still the fun of shopping for new stuff. Plus I haven't had a newborn around in so long it'll all feel like a brand new thing anyways.

    Really, I just want another baby before it's too late, LOL.
    Me (38) and DH (38)

    SAHM military momma to DS1 (2004), DS2 (who's all boy but loves to dance, though not in a tutu!) (2006), DS3 (2009), and our rainbow baby girl DD1 (2017)

    early m/c Jan 2013

    Cycle #1 @ HRC (Oct 2014) - 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized and biopsied. 1XX and 1XY abnormal. 1XX no DNA found, rebiopsied and found normal, frozen.
    FET attempt #1 (Nov 2014) - cancelled due to functional cyst. FET attempt #2 (Jan 30, 2015) - NT. Remaining embie failed to thaw.

    May 2015 - started infertility treatments at OFC. Femara 2.5mg
    July 2015 - BFP after second round of Femara. Aug 4 2015 - 6w4d
    Dec 21 2015 - mmc 7w1d

    Apr 2016 - IVF Cycle #2. Converted to IUI because of uneven response and leading follicles.
    Apr 19, 2016 - IUI with 3 mature follicles (2 right, 1 left), post wash: 17mil, 94% motility and 89% rapid motility. BFN.

    June 3, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 5w.
    Sep 1, 2016 - 5mg Femara cycle. 8w.

    Our rainbow baby girl arrived on Mon Aug 28, 2017 - "After every storm comes a rainbow". We are so thankful and grateful for every moment.

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