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January 26th, 2016, 01:53 PM #31
I can so relate to all this....your longing is definitely valid.
Give yourself time to process.
My perspective from the other side : Two boys are pretty awesome, I'll have to quote Atomic here in that "boys should come in pairs like shoes" nothing truer has been said! I watch my two and they love eachother deeply only like brothers can and I would not change it for the world. Plus the opportunity to raise strong yet vulnerable, successful yet loving MEN is a gift not to be taken lightly
It will all make sense, it's great you are here thinking about it and coming to terms with everything.(2011) (2014)
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January 26th, 2016, 08:54 PM #32Swaying Advice Coach
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i recommend a look at the (imperfect) book "Stiffed" by Susan Faludi. There's a section on the Citadel (which was once an all-boys military school in the US, but now isn't any more, for better or worse) and how an all boy-education may help men get more in touch with their "feminine" side because they don't HAVE to impress girls and thus don't have to act uber-masculine. There's a part where an older student is showing a younger student how to tuck in their shirt, and it's the kind of totally asexual, physical, loving connection that brothers and straight men living together in close quarters have, that oftentimes is sexualized by Hollywood into "homoeroticism" for lack of a better term - but boys and men need that. It's Sam and Frodo, it's Woody and Buzz, it's Bert and Ernie, it's Han and Luke, and Bart and Milhouse, and Batman and Robin, and Kirk and Spock and Bones, and and Peter Parker and Harry Osborne and and a thousand other iconic male-male pairs. I see that all the time with my sons and their brothers. It's like a friendship and caretaking and camaraderie between men that is of late turned into something other than what it really is, to all our detriment. They love each other, and it's a kind of love that is precious and valuable to the world.
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January 26th, 2016, 09:12 PM #33Swaying Advice Coach
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I understand totally. HT has never been for me either. I don't know why because I completely support it for literally everyone, but me. Just doesn't feel right to me, maybe because I always knew or sensed that I could live without a daughter. I got one, by the grace of God or the universe, but at the end of the day I always knew from day one I could and WOULD get through this, daughter or no. My daughter is a gift, she is the cherry on top of a pretty f-ng awesome sundae but I knew and know, at the end of it all, in my heart and gut that I would still be here telling you guys, IT IS OK to have only sons, you are still endlessly blessed, even if I had not gotten a daughter. Sons are a miracle and I see plenty of women who I started this journey with, in 2008, who didn't keep having kids like I did, and hung with 2 or 3 or boys, and they are HAPPY!!! Their lives are beautiful and amazing. They drink margaritas on a beach with their husband in Mexico. Their sons win awards for music or swimming, or robotics, or academics. I have 4 of the most beautiful treasures in the world and that hasn't changed because I had a daughter, not at all!!! When you're in it, it feels all encompassing, but once the decision is made, things are ok. It's just another dream that did or didn't come true. These sites are great when you need the support but we aren't always the best at helping people move forward, maybe because we are still in it. But you CAN move on with your life and have a great life even if you don't get your desired gender.
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Post Thanks / Like - 1 Thanks, 1 Likes, 0 DislikesComplex Emotions thanked for this postPink Pony liked this post
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January 28th, 2016, 01:54 PM #34Swaying Advice Coach
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No more weight loss. Do whatever it takes to stop the unintentional weight loss right away.
I don't feel we have the data to say for sure if the release beforehand helps or hurts a sway. Not enough people did it and the whole thing is skewed by the one attempt. So personally, I'd leave it out, I never recommend it any more, not because of the stress, but because it's gonna cut your odds of conception so much for a dubious benefit anyway.
You CAN'T change your brain. Don't try. It was never ever ever x infinity and beyond, my intention to start having you guys launch into these modes where you think you're going to turn yourself into someone else for a sway. The ONLY ONLY ONLY reason I ever mentioned it was because historically people would treat swaying pink as a game they could win, like if they sacrificed hard enough, controled every aspect in their lifes, did every sway tactic ever rumored to do anything, tracked their cycles for years and made colorcoded pH charts, etc they would then be guaranteed a daughter. But it is the trying to control that sways blue, and so to trade that stuff for laying in bed thinking "OMG OMG I gotta turn into Mary, I'm ruining my sway, gotta calm down" and practicing hours of Shaolin breathing techniques to "calm down" (being just this side of a panic attack the whole time of course) is JUST as bad if not worse even.
I promise ya, I'm the exact same person I was when I conceived my boys, when I conceived my girl. I didn't turn into someone else, I was just slightly more defeated and mellow, and may I point out that we don't KNOW that even had any connection to why I conceived a girl, and additionally we don't KNOW that it was any deliberate change in attitude that accomplished that, or (much more likely) a side effect of chronic stress, sleep loss, and LE Diet.!!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!
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Post Thanks / Like - 1 Thanks, 2 Likes, 0 DislikesComplex Emotions thanked for this postmaidentomother, Sweetplum liked this post
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January 28th, 2016, 01:55 PM #35Swaying Advice Coach
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oh and everything else looking good.
!!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!
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Post Thanks / Like - 1 Thanks, 0 Likes, 0 DislikesComplex Emotions thanked for this post
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January 28th, 2016, 09:53 PM #36
I'm new to this and absolutely not an expert but I think your plan seems to hit on all the buttons in terms of leaning for a girl. That said, there are no guarantees and I have this feeling that no matter what happens for you it will be just wonderful and you'll embrace it, maybe with time or maybe immediately, that includes not moving forward with TTC too. You seem quite rigorous in thought and intuitive, and of course, that will lead to obsessing but also to enlightenment
BMI of 18.5 seems so low...I used to be anorexic but I'm no where near to that thin now so I kinda agree to eat up and not worry about weight loss.
When it comes to the personality thing, I agree 100% that you cannot change it, it's the circumstances that may drag you down into the melancholy that seems to sway girl (at least from what I've read). I'm so new to all this but I'd have to say that if the 'defeated' hypothesis was always true, then every women in their 40s would all be having girls....really by that time in life we are so beaten down by our other children, dreams that have died and well, life, that it would seem that we would all have girls, but we don't...so as Atomic says it's really just trends and combinations. I wouldn't worry about the personality thing too much, just be who you are, let life happen and sink in to the imperfection and randomness of it. Easier said than done, right ?!? (Coming from the Ultimate Perfectionist).
Keep us posted, I'm really excited to hear what you do and I (secretly) hope you'll go for it(2011) (2014)
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January 30th, 2016, 12:25 PM #37Swaying Advice Coach
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????Whaaaaaaa??????
Am I the only chick who LIKES being in her 40's??
Some sh!tty stuff has happened to me along the way but it has f-all to do with being 45. I love being this age. I find it very freeing and if I would've had to go through the stuff I have gone through, in my 20's when I was still super duper uptight about everything, my head would have exploded. Yeah, I felt defeated at the time I conceived my daughter, but then again that was 3 1/2 years ago and it's gone away and things are feeling pretty upbeat for me now. And again, I have no way of knowing if that had any connection anyway or if it was diet + one attempt.
So many people misinterpret what I"m trying to say into some sort of "girl moms are depressed losers" thing. THAT IS NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL. If anything, I think being a Mary is SUPERIOR to being a Martha because you have learned or know instinctively what is important and don't waste all this time spinning your wheels over crap that doesn't matter and feeling like a failure all the time because of the grand plans that don't work out (because they'd take a cast of thousands and a million dollars to do them.) I think that on the whole people who are inherently Mary or have a good balance between extremes, are happier and more successful than those of us who are the full on Martha types because we just burn ourselves up on stuff that either doesn't matter to other people, or that they actively dislike, in that way that people always tend to dislike people who try to outdo everybody else at stuff. :/
I am just trying to explain a very complicated thing very simply and it's not easy. I just don't want girl moms to walk away from this convo with a bad taste in their mouths.!!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!
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January 30th, 2016, 01:05 PM #38
I agree with you 100%.
I'm loving my 40s and it's because I am more relaxed and accepting of the fact that life sometimes goes the way you want it to and well, it sometimes doesn't and that is OK and I basically worry less about everything. Using 'defeated' bit was too harsh in the wording, what I mean is that by our 40s we are more 'accepting' of the ups and downs of life and more low key. I'm DEFINITELY more accepting in my 40s than even 5 years ago when I tried to control everything and do it all perfectly. So I guess what I meant is that when we get to this point of more maturity I think some of us who were previously 100% Martha do become more Mary just due to the course of stuff happening and being defeated (at times). I definitely was beat down and defeated in the past few years and this has changed me...since I tried to control EVERYTHING with my first two (actually three - one miscarriage) pregnancies and kept getting the short straw when it came to my health and my kids health (big time) I realized that well, it doesn't matter how much you plan it all down to the last detail, life happens and it's good to be organized but all that worrying and stressing won't matter for the big stuff, a lot of life is out of our control and how we adapt is more important than stressing and planning and controlling.
I hope that makes more sense. I'm definitely not here to offend or judge. I think there are great qualities to both Mary and Martha and my point was that I'm pretty sure you can be a Martha and still get a girl or a Mary and still get a boy as this is not a perfect science. It's about trends and combinations and many more variables than just one single isolated thing...I just wanted Complex Emotions to not try to change her personality as I think these things happen naturally through the course of ones life(2011) (2014)
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January 30th, 2016, 03:30 PM #39Swaying Advice Coach
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No it was my fault, I used "defeated" to begin with without clarifying that it happened to be true for me personally when I got pg with my DD and not that it was a larger trend or anything. Sometimes I write too many posts in one day and get verbal diarrhea LOL.
I agree with every word you say, it's that over time life beats it out of ya one way or the other, for better or for worse (because there are honestly some things I miss about my Martha ways) but overall it's good for all of us to learn to let go of the control-freak-ishness. Completely agree.!!! Questions?? Check out the NEW and improved Complete Index !!!
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February 1st, 2016, 06:41 AM #40
Hi complex,how are you feeling ? Oh yes plz make sure your getting enough potassium ts so very important to your health, what I do daily to make Sure I'm getting enough is eat my grapes and skim milk , potatoes here or there and cauliflower.xx take care of your self
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