"The miracle of modern technology".
Many people do go back and have either a reversal or IVF using sperm extracted from the hubby's testicles, and most people have heard of that somewhere along the way. I think that's all the explaining you'd probably need to do except for in the very most nosiest of cases. :)
I would probably just own up to getting a reversal and say "We realized we really wanted one more child" or something along those lines. I think people will wonder and speculate much less if you're up-front about it.
All fabulous responses I'll use in a variety of situations. Certain levels of friendship require more or less info....and I am a fan of mystery for the majority and frankness with my close girlfriends. Love it, keep them coming, I'm literally going to write these down so I have a list memorized ha ha.
My MIL knows we had the V and she's nosy, that will be interesting if we get there.
Thank you!
That seems like a great plan. Don't you think you should eat more Folic Acid (or better Folate)? I think Atomic say 2000 mcg a day. What kind of cardio are you doing and when will you fit it into your day?
Not sure. Atomic, what do you think? More FA or Folate instead? How much?
My husband is being kinda a jerk today about the whole thing. He's willing to do what I want but he's not excited about it. This brings me down a lot. I want him to be as excited as I am about the possibility of a third child. He even said today...I didn't think we would be starting over again, I'm ready to move on from this phase. Sadly, I'm not. Feeling a bit unsteady.
Moms over 40 I often have them take 2000 mcg folate, this has been shown in some studies to possibly help prevent chromosomal abnormalities with the egg.
There is an old saying amongst evolutionary biologists: "Men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters (or Pokemon, or My Little Pony)" The point is, it's different for them then it is for us and we can't expect them to be as into it as us. My daughter is a baby fanatic, she can spot a baby at 100 yards. My sons are more "eh". (I know that's one of those things people say that everyone assumes is pushed by the parents but NO). WE just may be more "set" than they are for parenthood and that is ok.
Just remember, he's on a different timeline than you and you have to do what you have to do NOW to make this happen. We only get one life.
Hi Sweetplum,
Sorry you're feeling unsteady. I think as long as you keep the lines of communication open between you and your DH, things will work out OK. :happy:
I do think it might be a bit too much to ask to expect your DH to be as excited as you are. It sounds like this isn't his idea and might not be his first choice of ways to move forward, but he's willing to do it anyway, because he loves you. It makes sense to me that he would feel a bit resentful about that, even as he moves forward with you.
My husband feels similarly, except he's not sure yet if he does want to move forward with TTC or not. I have so much respect for his perspective: in our household, he brings in the majority of the income, which will make him primarily responsible for financially supporting any future children. He's also a very caring and involved father. I do the majority of the childcare and housework, and obviously the negative aspects of pregnancy and birth are mine to carry, but we're a team, and it all takes two, YKWIM?
If my DH agrees to have another child with me, I won't be expecting him to be very excited about it, I'll just be grateful that he's willing to give me that gift. He's never been that excited about the prospect of a baby anyways, and he always takes a bit of time to warm up to babies even after they arrive. But he is a wonderful dad who is always there for our boys, and I trust him 100% to be there for another child once he or she actually arrives. I'm sure your husband will totally be there for his third little one, too. I agree with atomic, they just don't feel the same as us about new little ones.
Atomic and Serenity. Such great thoughts. Thank you.
You are 100% right that I cannot expect DH to be in the same place as me. Most of the time I'm really compassionate and understanding, it's just every once in a while I get frustrated, and more than that, sad, that he doesn't feel the way it did with our first two children. When we were trying for #1 it was so exciting for both he and I. We were both so ready for a baby. For number two it was just as exciting, we suffered through a miscarriage together and supported one another through the long journey of my very scary pregnancy and all the health issues my second son had. Together 100% on the same page.
Since the V things have been different, which is totally understandable. He thought we were done and so did I, but my feelings have changed. I'm more flexible with feelings evolving, he's very firm with decisions - once he makes them he doesn't like to look back. I TOTALLY understand this. We are in a spot now where one of us is going to lose no matter what we do. I'll lose (for a while at least - until I come to terms with it which of course I will) if we don't move forward with trying for a third child. My husband will lose if we do the VR and we have a third child (at least in his mind now - but i'm sure he will come around). Our whole family could lose if things don't go well, but we could also lose if we don't take the leap as I'm sure another child would bring more joy.
Not that I typically look at what I'm losing but I think it's a really important perspective to consider from all sides versus the "What I want" side of the story. We all want things in life - but many things we want we don't get. That is life. More important right now is how can we minimize the loss for us as a team and for our family in general. It's no longer about everyone getting what we want.
Anyway, just rambling. Thank you for the responses.
Another thing to note is that in terms of our family structure I make 50% of the income for the family and I do about 90% of the child - rearing. My husband is amazing and has an incredible job that is creative and contributing to society in many ways - plus he loves it and he's good at it. BUT - he will not foot the whole bill of the child. I will support the child as much as he financially and I'll be more busy with raising it. So it will not put him out as much as me. He's not really worried about this though - we talked again last night a bit and he's just worried about health concerns for all. He did say that if we get through the VR and the pregnancy and come out with a healthy baby he will be very very happy and have no issues. It's the risk that worries him not the end result.
Better get to work.
I really appreciate all the comments and honesty here. It's nice to be able to talk about this!
SP
Hi Sweetplum,
Just to be clear: I TOTALLY understand your perspective, because I share it! I actually feel like in this situation, assuming all goes well, the only real loss is on the DW's part, because let's face it, good fathers embrace their children and gain so much out of those relationships. Having another child would not be a loss for DH, and not having one would be a huge loss for me.
I just think that your best shot at moving forward happily together is gaining a deep understanding and appreciation of where your DH is coming from. If he feels like his concerns are being heard, he's more likely to be softer towards you. At least that's how it works in our relationship...he sounds like a sweetheart; like he just wants to protect you and your family. :happy:
I completely understand and agree with everything you wrote. I sometimes wish DH and I were on the same page, too. I hope it all works out for you just the way you want. :hug2:
Hi sweetplum.
I've just found your post, don't know how I missed it before. I remember your original post which really resonated with me at the time.
For me, another 40 year old, who 'should' be done, and doesn't feel that way deep down, it seems to me that the fact that you are continually returning to this question, of 'am I done?' answers it and tells me that you are not.
I also agree with the others that men are not as involved in this as we are emotionally. For me, mine has emphatically said he doesn't want anymore so one of us will also 'lose'. It's tough to lose, but it's also tough to force your husband to 'lose' too. There's no easy answer for that one. When it's 'do we or don't we?' there is no compromise.
However I do think that for our husbands, the objection to the abstract notion of the unborn child would dissolve when that child arrived. I asked my husband if it would really be that bad or life changing to have one more. Of course we could say that forever, if we were younger, but we're not so it really would be one last baby.
My husband had children before we met so I never had that first baby together excitement that you experienced. Some people just don't get that. It's great that you had that joint excitement two times!
Good luck with your decision and the VR. After that, what will be will be. X
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