Wishing for peace...

[Serenity]

Hello, everyone.

I'm 32 years old, DH is 41. We have two beautiful boys together, and DH also had a daughter when he was 18 whose life he has never been welcomed into, meaning that I have never had the privilege of knowing her either.

I'm trying very hard to give up on the idea of having a daughter right now, at the same time as doing the LE diet. DH and I have been talking about trying to add another child to our family: I am for it, and he is unsure. He feels tired with the two kids we have, and he doesn't feel the need for another child, or for a girl (although he misses the one he lost, we are both able to recognize that she can't be replaced). He does realize that I am missing out on something though, and seems to be recognizing it more over time.

We just went on a family vacation. My husband and my youngest spent time swimming and playing by the frog pond outside the hotel. My oldest enjoyed swimming and playing video games in the hotel room. I did go swimming with the family, and liked seeing and hearing about DH and the kids doing the other things that made them happy. But we didn't do anything I really liked to do. And....we never do. I'm outnumbered, so I kind of just go along for the ride.

If I never have a daughter, and I am working very hard to understand that I probably won't, I will have to find ways to incorporate the feminine part of me into my life, and into my family. And I will have to find ways to enter into my DH's and my sons' worlds, and connect deeply with them, while still honoring my connection to myself as a woman.

I'm a very private, shy, and introverted person, which means that I don't have a lot of friends. My family tends to be my focus. I love them, I protect them, I nurture them, I care for them. It's awesome. As my youngest gets older, though (he's 3 now), I do feel myself unintentionally pushed to the sidelines more and more often, as the boys are all about their daddy. Which leaves me feeling quite alone and unimportant.

I guess I sometimes feel like I'm just the person who makes the food and cleans the house. Don't get me wrong, my kids love me, and so does DH, and they show me that all the time, but I still do feel lonely in a specific way that I never expected. None of them fully understand me, and I don't fully understand them. It's like there's a secret club, and I'm automatically not invited. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to get in. I could play video games with my eldest, and splash in puddles with my youngest, after all - even if these things are not my first/natural inclination.

So anyways, DH is thinking things over right now, and if he agrees, we will try for another baby in September or October. I'm giving him space to process, and using this time to grieve my imaginary daughter, to do the LE diet, and to try to solve the problem of feeling excluded in my family.

I look forward to sharing this journey with you.

[Giselle2016]

OMG! I feel the same exact way as you! We tried for a third and I read all about the swaying techniques and got prego, turns out we will now have our 3rd son! While I love my sons and will love this one to death as well, there is something missing! There is a void, they connect with their dad in a way that I'd like to connect to a daughter. I think we will try one more time (even though I am honestly tired and would love to go back to work one day as I feel my life is almost being delayed and put to hold at home) but this time, as religious as I am and as much as we cannot afford it, I think I wana go high tech and do a procedure where they sort out the sperm, test for diseases, and do ivf with only the desired gender. It's called pgd and the younger you are, the more successful it is....and their is a chance it won't work, and it is expensive as hell, but I feel it is my only hope. I know God will never give me a girl if he doesn't want to, even if I do this procedure a million times, and if wants, he will easily give me one without even the procedure, but at this point I'm desperate. I'm 6 months prego with my 3rd son and thinking I will try that in a year or two.


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[ksmom]

Welcome! I also have two boys (youngest is 2.5) and we swayed girl for quite some time. I've got about 10 days until we find out what this little one is. I've pretty much been trying to prepare myself this whole pregnancy for hearing boy but comments from others don't help. I understand about feeling left out at times. It feels at times like my life is just cooking, cleaning, and caring for my kids. I do have a passion for cooking and baking so while I don't have a daughter to share that with (I do love baking with my niece though), I've been trying to include my boys in it when I can. My oldest loves to help me in the kitchen and even when he was only 1 or 2, loved to help me clean. Can you include your boys in those things? Mine also do love video games, monster trucks, throwing dirt, playing with bugs, etc. but I also at least try to get them to share some of my interests. I think it makes for a more well-rounded child and not only that, but they'll make damn good husbands knowing how to cook and clean. I wish you lots of luck on your swaying journey and hope you get your daughter.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have a weird perspective on this because I had 2 boys and then 13 years later, 2 more boys, and then a girl. (same husband)

I was (am) super close to my first two boys. There was def. a special club that my DH was not invited into.

Now, I have my girl and honestly I feel that all I ever do all day long is meet the needs of other people. My life wasn't transformed by having a girl and in all honesty the irony is that I had a more positive parenting experience just from a sheer selfishness point of view with my first two boys than I have now that I have a girl. There are a lot of reasons for this that I won't go into, my point is that having a girl, while I of course am very happy to have her, it was not this transformative parenting experience and I was more transformed just by becoming a mom, by far and away, than by adding a girl to the mix. I spend literally all day servicing other people and she of course has her own agenda and things that she wants to do (plus, she's three haha) and even when she wants to do female things that I've always felt I missed out on like play dolls or read stories or whatever, a lot of the times I'm spread so thin that it feels like a chore to me. This makes me really sad to stop and think about...I just feel like I was more present for my first two boys. So my point is, it's not necessarily a gender thing, it may be a motherhood thing disguised as a gender thing.

[Serenity]

Thank you for your replies. Some interesting perspectives there, and they give me a lot to think about.

I don't think HT is an option for us, although I'll keep it in mind. I did mention it to DH and he looked at me like I had three heads. I'm also not sure I could justify the expense, time, etc., because I'd be worried about how all that might impact my little guys, or if it would be fair to them (for example, we haven't been to Disney yet, and that could actually be a possibility for us sometime soon). I'm not even sure how I'd ever explain going HT to them without them ending up feeling like they didn't matter to me, or weren't enough for me. No judgment on anyone who chooses to go this route, and who knows what the future holds: I could end up doing it myself one day. It's just that I'm very close to my oldest son, and we talk a lot...I'm not sure what I would say to him.

I do think that I could get more involved in my sons' worlds, and involve them more in mine. I've been thinking about this a lot, actually. My thoughts are: playing video games with my oldest, playing in puddles/with worms and rocks with my youngest, joining the family in more "boyish" activities, even if they wouldn't be totally comfortable or fun for me, doing more "gender-neutral" activities together like more reading and board games, baking together, maybe even going shopping together (hey, they do need school clothes!). One thought that has been helping me a LOT recently has been the idea of how gentlemanly and stylin' I can help them be. Both my kids are really, really cute, and all the girls in my oldest son's class are always chasing him around. I can see lots of ways that a female perspective might be really useful and valuable to both my kids as they move forward in their lives. Just because they won't stop making jokes about private parts right now (despite being disciplined for it!) doesn't mean that things will always be like that. Maybe I will have a teenager or young person to talk with about dating troubles yet...

Atomic, your reply, and the honest place it comes from, is deeply appreciated. Thank you. I do sincerely wonder sometimes if this is a "grass is always greener" thing on my part. I seem to have a part of my personality that is never satisfied. I call it "the abyss," because it's like there's a deep hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. I think that if I am ever going to be really, truly happy in life, I will need to find a constructive way to deal with this part of me. Sometimes I feel a still, small voice in me whispering "Look around you. You are missing nothing. Everything is exactly as it should be...it always has been, and always will be."

Sometimes I am almost able to see that the most beautiful thing about life is how shatteringly imperfect it is.

I found a small, heart-shaped rock at the beach on our vacation, and I held it in my hand for a long time. When we were driving home, I prayed for the strength to release it, and then I found myself dropping it out the window. And just then we drove by a flock of birds, and they all went flying together into the sky.

I keep telling myself that it's OK to grieve as much as I need to, but at the same time, I have lost nothing, because my daughter never really existed. Holding both truths in my mind at once helps.

I also keep trying to explain to this little girl inside me, who is so disappointed that the daughter she dreamed of hasn't appeared, that my boys ARE my "daughters," in the sense that the purpose of this dream was probably to lead me to have children, and it worked! Do I really need to keep chasing this now, or has it already served its purpose...

Just my thoughts. Thank you for reading, and I wish you all much peace and happiness.

[lmd2281]

I've got to say that your post has truly brought tears to my eyes. I as well have always had this dream of children, and as a child my "dolls" and everything else were always "female". It just truly never occurred to me that some women would only ever have "boys" until I had children of my own. Of course I knew of a few families growing up that only had sons but I just assumed it was a choice not to go on and have anymore. So when my first son came out a boy I just told myself I would have both genders, win win. Then came boy #2... And then boy #3. At #3 I won't lie, I cried a lot after that sonogram. His pregnancy was so different from the first two I would have sworn he was my girl. PPD hit really hard after that pregnancy and my ex husband and I went through a lot in our marriage and in the end didn't make it. Fast forward to my current marriage (he has a son and daughter from his first marriage, the pigeon pair) we wanted a child together. And this little boy, he has changed my life forever in the best of ways. I was so young with my oldest 3 and had them all so close together (roughly 17 months apart each due to all being preemies) that I never truly got to enjoy their young days without having another on the way. I've got to have my 3 year old all to myself while his brothers are at school and it's been absolutely amazing. We've bonded in a way that I never knew was possible. With that being said I still feel this void in my life and I long for that mother/daughter relationship I never had with my own mother. I try to tell myself as you have that my life with my boys and my husband is wonderful, that I am so very lucky compared to others that aren't as fortunate especially those having difficulties to conceive any child. But no matter what way I look at it or how hard I try to convince myself to just be happy and at peace I still long for it. And I'm not sure that will ever change. We experienced two losses since trying to conceive again and while that's put a new perspective on my heart that I would love another child regardless of sex, I do feel like the longing will always be there no matter what. Hopefully we will conceive again soon and God will hear the desires of my heart, but I know in the end I'll be given what He sees fit for our family. (Hopefully that includes another child period.) Thank you for making me realize that I'm not alone in this journey and there are others who feel exactly the same way. While it doesn't lessen my feelings, it does help the pain just a little.

Thank you for your replies. Some interesting perspectives there, and they give me a lot to think about.

I don't think HT is an option for us, although I'll keep it in mind. I did mention it to DH and he looked at me like I had three heads. I'm also not sure I could justify the expense, time, etc., because I'd be worried about how all that might impact my little guys, or if it would be fair to them (for example, we haven't been to Disney yet, and that could actually be a possibility for us sometime soon). I'm not even sure how I'd ever explain going HT to them without them ending up feeling like they didn't matter to me, or weren't enough for me. No judgment on anyone who chooses to go this route, and who knows what the future holds: I could end up doing it myself one day. It's just that I'm very close to my oldest son, and we talk a lot...I'm not sure what I would say to him.

I do think that I could get more involved in my sons' worlds, and involve them more in mine. I've been thinking about this a lot, actually. My thoughts are: playing video games with my oldest, playing in puddles/with worms and rocks with my youngest, joining the family in more "boyish" activities, even if they wouldn't be totally comfortable or fun for me, doing more "gender-neutral" activities together like more reading and board games, baking together, maybe even going shopping together (hey, they do need school clothes!). One thought that has been helping me a LOT recently has been the idea of how gentlemanly and stylin' I can help them be. Both my kids are really, really cute, and all the girls in my oldest son's class are always chasing him around. I can see lots of ways that a female perspective might be really useful and valuable to both my kids as they move forward in their lives. Just because they won't stop making jokes about private parts right now (despite being disciplined for it!) doesn't mean that things will always be like that. Maybe I will have a teenager or young person to talk with about dating troubles yet...

Atomic, your reply, and the honest place it comes from, is deeply appreciated. Thank you. I do sincerely wonder sometimes if this is a "grass is always greener" thing on my part. I seem to have a part of my personality that is never satisfied. I call it "the abyss," because it's like there's a deep hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. I think that if I am ever going to be really, truly happy in life, I will need to find a constructive way to deal with this part of me. Sometimes I feel a still, small voice in me whispering "Look around you. You are missing nothing. Everything is exactly as it should be...it always has been, and always will be."

Sometimes I am almost able to see that the most beautiful thing about life is how shatteringly imperfect it is.

I found a small, heart-shaped rock at the beach on our vacation, and I held it in my hand for a long time. When we were driving home, I prayed for the strength to release it, and then I found myself dropping it out the window. And just then we drove by a flock of birds, and they all went flying together into the sky.

I keep telling myself that it's OK to grieve as much as I need to, but at the same time, I have lost nothing, because my daughter never really existed. Holding both truths in my mind at once helps.

I also keep trying to explain to this little girl inside me, who is so disappointed that the daughter she dreamed of hasn't appeared, that my boys ARE my "daughters," in the sense that the purpose of this dream was probably to lead me to have children, and it worked! Do I really need to keep chasing this now, or has it already served its purpose...

Just my thoughts. Thank you for reading, and I wish you all much peace and happiness.

[Serenity]

I feel the same way - like I just never imagined NOT having a daughter, and now I've got to adjust many years of thinking towards a new idea/reality.

I'm going to make sure to mention many times to my sons over the years that they may or may not have sons, and that they may or may not have daughters, but that they will hopefully be blessed with wonderful children, regardless of gender. Maybe I will talk with them about what it would be like for them if they have only boys, or only girls, and what would be really cool about that (uniqueness, cuteness, built in best friends for life, etc.).

I kind of wonder what I would feel like now if my mom had had similar conversations with me, or if she had bought me some boy dolls as well as girl dolls, or if, when I was thinking about having kids, she had talked with me about all the wonderful things about having sweet little boys...my youngest brother has always been her secret favorite, and they're still the closest now.

[Serenity]

Oh and the strange thing is, as I get closer and closer to feeling like I know how I could embrace the idea of all boys, my DH seems to possibly be moving towards wanting not only another child, but a girl specifically (although I know he would welcome another boy too, if we go ahead with it and that's what happens).

Today this adorable little angel girl walked up to him and started smiling into his face for some reason. I actually didn't feel the hurt I would have expected to, only admiration over how cute she was, but she totally bowled over my DH. He was all smiles, and looked up at me afterwards with this face that said, "OK, that kind of got me..."

I'd love to have another child....I was like YESSSSSSS!

[atomic sagebrush]

I just deleted a reply to this thread that did not make sense to me.

If you are a spammer, then you will be banned and your posts deleted. If you are just an unsupportive person, then you'll also be banned.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have not done any banning because I wasn't sure of motivation and sometimes we do have language barriers, but we do ban those who don't play nice on this site.