Fail, fail, fail and FAIL again

[WannaGirl]

That's tough on you, men never know the right things to say (roll eyes here) but mine has been pretty supportive through the roller coaster this has been. I am regretting the loss oft fertile years, my AFC count went down heaps in one year but I didn't know that was happening and can't blame him, if I said 3 years ago I wanted HT he would have done it.
maybe tell him how much u need him right now? Even if on the phone

[LacePrincess]

That's tough on you, men never know the right things to say (roll eyes here) but mine has been pretty supportive through the roller coaster this has been. I am regretting the loss oft fertile years, my AFC count went down heaps in one year but I didn't know that was happening and can't blame him, if I said 3 years ago I wanted HT he would have done it.
maybe tell him how much u need him right now? Even if on the phone

Oh I did! In many emails and many, many, many texts, lol. I also linked him to this thread too.

I know it's not intentional, but men do tend to react that way. I know some ladies are very hurt when their guys hide their own grief and won't show them, but I'm okay if he wants to grieve privately alone if that's his preference. But that's not mine. What I need him to do is communicate and be there and listen. And not break his promises when he says he'll be calling or online! I'm frankly not going to be very understanding outside of an emergency about missing a promised chat/call. I told him yesterday that he had no excuses unless somehow all the satellites in that region exploded in space and terrorists had destroyed the landlines too. Snort. The irony is, his trade is in communications and technology!!!

The loss feels so private in a way. Nobody knew about our bfp except my best friend and my inlaws. That's it. And I don't want to tell anyone else, at least not right now. I couldn't handle hearing any of the crap like 'at least it was only 6 weeks' or 'don't worry you can try again' or all the other insensitive things people say that makes you feel like your loss isn't valid enough to grieve. I had enough of that from the first loss. I'm sure you know what I mean!

At the same time though, I kind of want to run through the streets wailing hysterically, yk? I mean I won't, lol, but I don't want to grieve alone. I don't like being alone.

I love this vid I found on the Reddit loss forums today. This is pretty much exactly how I feel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyUrfQ-gIyI


I also NEED a way to memorialize the loss this time. I never did with my last one and I feel like that one is still lacking closure. So I need to do something to remember both of my angels this time. I thought of a tattoo....but I'm not a tat person, and I can't find any examples so far online I didn't think were tacky. The only place I would be okay getting a tattoo would be like right above the hip in the very low back (like to the side, so not a tramp stamp), but then it wouldn't really be visible to me.

Maybe jewelry but so far the only stuff I've seen is pretty cheap quality. I might go for a right hand ring from a real jewelry store, but I don't want anything too generic. So I'm still looking.

[LacePrincess]

Oh holy hell does the world hate me this week.

I just got back from getting my blood drawn for a beta check. My clinic has a no-child policy. There was an 8 MONTH OLD BABY GIRL in the waiting room today. Why do I know this? Because people were busy cooing over her and I got the 'fun' of having to sit there and listen to 20 min of baby gurgles and giggles while I waited for my blood test to confirm my miscarriage.

Un. Fucking. Believable. I will be writing a complaint letter to the clinic. Seriously WTF did I ever do to deserve this?!? I did give her a pretty dirty glare coming in, and an even dirtier one when I was leaving, I think she did notice it. Good.

[XXforhubby]

Oh Lace, that is just horrible! Not to mention inconsiderate since the clinic has a no child policy! I'm so incredibly sorry that all of this is happening! My heart aches for you! I would definitely write a complaint letter to the clinic- it might be a good release!

When I had my miscarriage before we conceived DS2, I thoroughly enjoyed playing darts by myself. It was cathartic for me. Maybe find something like that that you can get try and get some of the anger/rage out. Throwing darts solo didn't take it all away but allowed me to purge some of the rage I had to bury to take care of DS1. It still gets to me every May 23rd...what used to send me over the edge and want to punch people was when they said in time you get over it. They clearly either didn't ever have a miscarriage or truly get it! I mean, hello you just don't get over losing a family member!!!!

Huge hugs sweetie!

[LacePrincess]

Oh Lace, that is just horrible! Not to mention inconsiderate since the clinic has a no child policy! I'm so incredibly sorry that all of this is happening! My heart aches for you! I would definitely write a complaint letter to the clinic- it might be a good release!

When I had my miscarriage before we conceived DS2, I thoroughly enjoyed playing darts by myself. It was cathartic for me. Maybe find something like that that you can get try and get some of the anger/rage out. Throwing darts solo didn't take it all away but allowed me to purge some of the rage I had to bury to take care of DS1. It still gets to me every May 23rd...what used to send me over the edge and want to punch people was when they said in time you get over it. They clearly either didn't ever have a miscarriage or truly get it! I mean, hello you just don't get over losing a family member!!!!

Huge hugs sweetie!

Thanks XX! I love my clinic usually. There aren't any baby pics on the walls, they're careful about keeping parenting/baby mags out of the waiting room, and the no-child policy is great. But they have to ENFORCE the policy for it to mean anything!!

I just wrote the clinic director. I hope I hear back. At least it felt good to say something though. Just...of all fucking days it has to be TODAY, like seriously?!? And I usually let my guard down at my clinic because of their policy so I was completely blindsided.

I would love to find a hobby to do. I just feel really listless and don't have any desire to DO anything. DH is picking up a new DS game for me (the latest Cooking Mama game) but other than that, I'm not in the mood to do something yet. I kind of want to paint, lol, but I'm a horrible artist. I might go look for a paint by numbers kit or something this weekend.

[XXforhubby]

Yeah. I remember those days. I felt listless for a while, probably depressed. Give yourself some time and take it day by day. I'm so sorry!!

[LacePrincess]

Yeah. I remember those days. I felt listless for a while, probably depressed. Give yourself some time and take it day by day. I'm so sorry!!

Thanks, XX. It comes and goes....I only slept 3 hours last night, just woke up at 4am really upset and just couldn't get back to sleep and pretty much spent the hours till daybreak crying.

Then I had to drink like a tonne of coffee to get going when the kids got up, so I'm just exhausted but can't nap with all the caffeine in me. Also I kind of took probably too much Advil + Naproxet to knock down the cramps so I could drive safely. :P

So yeah I feel kind of wrecked right now, LOL, and a bit cried out at the moment. The grief comes in waves though. I actually don't mind when I can cry, it's more cathartic than this empty feeling.

[XXforhubby]

Huge hugs, Lace! Know that I'm praying for you and sending you strength and peace. I'll keep checking back often, sweetie!!

[LacePrincess]

Thank you XX. Your support means so much!!

Okay my bloodwork is back, beta is 59. So it's official. In a way I'm relieved because it would be possibly very bad indeed if my beta was high but I was bleeding so much. At least ectopic or molar isn't a concern now.

I will be seeing my RE for followup next week.

[WannaGirl]

Lol, okay he should know what you want. That sucks about the baby being there.

Paint by numbers sounds therapeutic, and jewellery sounds good - maybe a charm bracelet with 2 special charms for them and one each for your boys? Or could hang something on a necklace (like a small ring charm?)
I think I am going to take up crotcheting or knitting (I was just on the library catalogue writing down some books and going in my lunch break today) think that will be a bit more productive than playing Candy Crush Soda in my spare time. I used to do jigsaw puzzles (mostly Anne Geddes baby ones mind you I have about a dozen gorgeous puzzles which I have done before in my ceiling) and cross-stitching as a teenager/20's. I'm going to keep some of the little baby girl outfits I pull out and play with, one day I might do foster care, if my kids ever get easier to look after - they are too much hard work atm.
Hope you are feeling ok and cramping not too bad. I often do the same thing if I wake at 4, couldn't get back to sleep.