Fail, fail, fail and FAIL again

[Summerstown]

Oh love, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

This is the time you need to call on your inlaws to help/spend that extra money and get someone to look after the kids for a few hours or put them in childcare or call a friend to help/ stick a movie on and give the kids popcorn. You can not do it all yourself at this time.

You need to look after yourself and spending time grieving and dealing it emotionally. As well as the physical side effects, dealing with the emotional side is part of looking after yourself. You cant do that if you are looking after anyone else.

I completely understand why you would feel that way towards your DH. I know you know it is not his fault but we need someone to take it out on in times like this and I am sure he understands that.

I am sending you hugest hugs & thinking of you = please take some time to yourself.

BTW - bloody shitty that there was a baby especially when there is a no child policy xx

[LacePrincess]

Lol, okay he should know what you want. That sucks about the baby being there.

Paint by numbers sounds therapeutic, and jewellery sounds good - maybe a charm bracelet with 2 special charms for them and one each for your boys? Or could hang something on a necklace (like a small ring charm?)
I think I am going to take up crotcheting or knitting (I was just on the library catalogue writing down some books and going in my lunch break today) think that will be a bit more productive than playing Candy Crush Soda in my spare time. I used to do jigsaw puzzles (mostly Anne Geddes baby ones mind you I have about a dozen gorgeous puzzles which I have done before in my ceiling) and cross-stitching as a teenager/20's. I'm going to keep some of the little baby girl outfits I pull out and play with, one day I might do foster care, if my kids ever get easier to look after - they are too much hard work atm.
Hope you are feeling ok and cramping not too bad. I often do the same thing if I wake at 4, couldn't get back to sleep.

I actually do knit/crochet and have an entire closet full of supplies! I needlepoint too. But I just can't focus right now on a project, not mentally.

Well looks like more videogames it is. We found a used wii with a pile of games - and my boys will not complain about a new gaming system in the house for sure, LOL. It'll be nice to take my mind off stuff that way too.

Your fostering future plans sounds like they will be very fulfilling for you. I hope they come to pass. For me, I think when it's time for us to walk away, we will likely just get more kittens or puppies, LOL. I have a habit of adding furbabies to assuage my need for more babies in the house. 2 years ago we got a puppy, and just last month a kitten. I might as well become that crazy cat person.

I love bracelets but I can't seem to wear them without breaking them. Sigh. Or necklaces. I dance and workout all the time and I just never end up wearing either. And it would be a waste to leave it in my jewellery drawer. What I think I want is a right hand ring. I like the idea of something with a number of precious gems on it, lots of colours to represent a rainbow of birthstones of possibilities. And room enough inside to engrave dates of my lost angels.

[LacePrincess]

Oh love, I am SO sorry you are going through this.

This is the time you need to call on your inlaws to help/spend that extra money and get someone to look after the kids for a few hours or put them in childcare or call a friend to help/ stick a movie on and give the kids popcorn. You can not do it all yourself at this time.

You need to look after yourself and spending time grieving and dealing it emotionally. As well as the physical side effects, dealing with the emotional side is part of looking after yourself. You cant do that if you are looking after anyone else.

I completely understand why you would feel that way towards your DH. I know you know it is not his fault but we need someone to take it out on in times like this and I am sure he understands that.

I am sending you hugest hugs & thinking of you = please take some time to yourself.

BTW - bloody shitty that there was a baby especially when there is a no child policy xx

*hugs back* Thank you Summerstown. It does suck so hard. The worst is feeling at the total mercy of this, nothing that succeeded for us in the past successful pregnancies seems to be working anymore.

Oh and I totally wrote a complaint email to the clinic director. I mean they HAVE a written no-child policy! They need to actually enforce it for it to mean a damned thing though.

I do have support. I know I need to ask for help, etc. I promise you I will. Fortunately my DH got his act together, and yesterday we were emailing back and forth all day, and chatted in the evening. I feel so much better now.

I also posted our sad news to Facebook, and lo and behold a big shocker. My neighbour, the one we've known for 4 years now and our kids are best friends, the one that had the new baby earlier this year that I avoided like the plague when she was hugely pregnant. Well anyways, she pm'ed me after our FB announcement and said she has also had 2 m/c's, and had infertility issues conceiving #3. WOW! I never knew. And she never knew I had issues. It's amazing how common infertility is, which is why women need to frigging talk about it!!! The worst part about losses is feeling isolated and alone. There's no need for that!

So anyhow, happily, now I have a huge source of support right next door. Wow!

[LacePrincess]

So you guys, today, I am really frustrated. My bleeding is down to spotting, and OMG WTF. So far I've bled less than I would during a period. My betaHCG is definitely not 0, so there is just NO WAY that is it. Crap crap crap crap crap. So much for getting this all over with quickly. I wasn't even crampy at all overnight. This is so frustrating.

I do see my RE on Wed so I will get Cytotec to get things going I guess. OMG this is annoying. I just want it to be done, I totally get why people go for the D&C, but I'm too scared of complications like scarring and possible future fertility problems from a D&C to do it now. BLARGH I hate my body right now.

I'm also depressed about where to go from here. Do we just keep trying till something sticks for good? But I'm not young. I don't have many years left in my fertility. There is IVF, but obviously the only reason would be to do it go get the PGS done, but so much money and I've seen how that can fail too. I would feel that much worse losing a pregnancy after all that cost. Plus we'd have to go long distance to cycle in that Montreal clinic that will help me GS.

It just feels depressing to consider the options, and so exhausting at the very thought. I know, I don't need to make that decision today, but gosh we turn 36 this month and it just feels like there's no frigging time left.

[Summerstown]

OH MY GOODNESS!! That is so strange, I am sorry you both have gone through it (I know how shit it is) but really pleased that you have such a support next door - and most importantly, a massive example of how things turn around!

Glad you are feeling better. Im here if you need anything xxx

*hugs back* Thank you Summerstown. It does suck so hard. The worst is feeling at the total mercy of this, nothing that succeeded for us in the past weeks to be working anymore.

I do have support. I know I need to ask for help, etc. I promise you I will. Fortunately my DH got his act together, and yesterday we were emailing back and forth all day, and chatted in the evening. I feel so much better now.

I also posted our sad news to Facebook, and lo and behold a big shocker. My neighbour, the one we've known for 4 years now and our kids are best friends, the one that had the new baby earlier this year that I avoided like the plague when she was hugely pregnant. Well anyways, she pm'ed me after our FB announcement and said she has also had 2 m/c's, and had infertility issues conceiving #3. WOW! I never knew. And she never knew I had issues. It's amazing how common infertility is, which is why women need to frigging talk about it!!! The worst part about losses is feeling isolated and alone. There's no need for that!

So anyhow, happily, now I have a huge source of support right next door. Wow!

[Foxcubblue]

Lace, so sorry this is dragging itself out. I thought I was done and then last night had terrible, terrible cramps again and passed loads of big clots and some tissue at 4am (sorry, tmi). Now feeling knackered and really depressed again.

I have tried to start thinking about TTC and swaying again but have decided not to let myself until this m/c is totally over - I have enough to deal with at the moment without making big decisions about the future. Maybe the same for you?

And I totally get what you say about people needing to talk about this more, so many of the friends I have told have also had past issues that I knew nothing about and it helps me hugely to know this, both that I am not alone and that I see these people have gone on to have healthy, happy children.

Big hugs xx

[LacePrincess]

Lace, so sorry this is dragging itself out. I thought I was done and then last night had terrible, terrible cramps again and passed loads of big clots and some tissue at 4am (sorry, tmi). Now feeling knackered and really depressed again.

I have tried to start thinking about TTC and swaying again but have decided not to let myself until this m/c is totally over - I have enough to deal with at the moment without making big decisions about the future. Maybe the same for you?

And I totally get what you say about people needing to talk about this more, so many of the friends I have told have also had past issues that I knew nothing about and it helps me hugely to know this, both that I am not alone and that I see these people have gone on to have healthy, happy children.

Big hugs xx

BIG BIG hugs right back!!

I am so sorry you're going through this shit too, Foxclub. It just SUCKS. This morning I felt physically fine, but emotionally starting to get the blues. I'm really depressed that it's all downhill from here.

I guess it's possible maybe I already passed the sac? I don't know. A few days ago I did pass a fairly large blob that just looked like a big blood clot. Not massive, but maybe the size of a peach pit. I did have a brief gush of clear fluid last Sat that I now suspect might have been the sac bursting and that was the amniotic fluid. There's nooooo way I've bled enough to clear the lining though.

I suppose if my hcg levels go negative and I don't bleed, this might be it. However this probably means I will have the period from HELL next time since there has got to be an awful lot of endometrium left. Blargh so frustrating that my clinic is so stingey with scans, they won't even do one for me right now, just bloodwork. Grrrr. I find it weird but I don't have the energy to get outraged about their policies right now.

You're right I shouldn't be thinking too far about the future or what-ifs. It's overwhelming and crushing when it's all out of my control anyways. It really helps to hug my kiddoes, thank God I have them. And I'm SO THANKFUL we had kids so young. If we'd waited like people were warning us to maybe we never would have had any. So I'm even more grateful than I ever was for my boys, even though it's a real bittersweet feeling to look at especially my 'baby', DS3, and think that he might be my last.

I'm really glad I made that FB announcement. It was nothing too over the top, I just posted that Youtube vid I linked upthread, and put the date of the miscarriage and "Goodbye sweet angel". That was it. I'm so glad that I found an 'infertility sister' in my neighbour though! We as a society REALLY need to talk about this stuff. The worst is when people have infertility, or losses, and feel like they're the only ones that are 'broken' and the rest of the world is Fertile Myrtle when that is completely untrue. It's just plain harmful when society only wants us to talk about the good and the success, and never about the bad. So when the crap happens, it just makes it that much more traumatizing to feel like you're the only broken one and all alone.

Well, screw that! LOL!! Oh and also, no such thing as TMI. I've gotten to the point where I'm in such a habit of talking about allllllll my private parts and discharge and gross details it's just part of normal conversation now for me, LOL. I have to remind myself that perhaps normal people really don't want to hear about the consistency of my bloody discharge or the size of the blood clots I just passed!

[WannaGirl]

Hugs! Even after the miscarriage you will have a period like normal, I definitely knew when the baby was expelled from my body, felt like childbirth, God damned horrible- that was 10 weeks, other one was 5 weeks and just felt like a normal period, u are somewhere in between.
Glad you've found support, Hope it's over for you soon and can move on- you tube video sounds like a nice way to acknowledge baby xx

[LacePrincess]

Hugs! Even after the miscarriage you will have a period like normal, I definitely knew when the baby was expelled from my body, felt like childbirth, God damned horrible- that was 10 weeks, other one was 5 weeks and just felt like a normal period, u are somewhere in between.
Glad you've found support, Hope it's over for you soon and can move on- you tube video sounds like a nice way to acknowledge baby xx

Yah our last loss was earlier, so it was just a late really heavy AF.

This time it's hard to tell what to expect since we're not sure when the bean stopped developing. We know from my bhcg levels it's not ectopic or molar, but not sure if it was a blighted ovum possibly or if not, when it died. I am cramping constantly though so it feels like there's more to be expelled, but my flow keeps stopping. It's very irritating.

My clinic did email me back and I will go do another beta on Mon, and I see my RE on Wed. So I guess based on my hcg levels he'll make the call if it's appropriate to try some medical management. We'll see.

At least exercise does relieve the cramping - so no excuse to couch veg and get fat and lazy!! LOL!!! Which is good, because the exercise keeps my mood up too which I need.

Ah, poor hubby too. The apartment he's renting is a basement apartment of a young family. And they have a 1.5 yr old daughter, and apparently her mom likes to have lots of tots over for playdates. He had a real tough time seeing that this week, told me he had to go buy headphones so he wouldn't hear the little ones playing. Poor guy. It's hard on him too, for sure.

[LacePrincess]

Hmm....so now I'm thinking perhaps that one bigger clot might've been it.....I POAS on a IC this morning and it's negative. This test has a 20miu sensitivity. I've ordered more that are even more sensitive to track as well.

I guess those cramps the last few days might've been contractions shrinking my uterus? Well it sure would be nice if this was it! Though I still fear my first 'real' AF will be HIDEOUS. :P