Fail, fail, fail and FAIL again

[LacePrincess]

I'm on day 2 of miscarrying this pregnancy. Yesterday was 6w4d.

I feel like my life has been split into two chapters. The first was fertile and blessed with no miscarriages or overwhelming infertility (we were subfertile but always knew we'd eventually catch the egg), successful pregnancies, and healthy births. Three sons with no issues. I always knew we were blessed and so lucky, but the point was never really driven home until the events of the past few years.

In Feb 2013, I had a very early loss. Pretty much a chemical. It broke my heart so completely and I was so devastated that I left the GD forums for almost a year. I think the reason why it was so devastating was it destroyed my illusion that we were immune from 'bad things' happening - that our streak of lucky fertility was done.

We failed to conceive on our own for the rest of 2013 and half of 2014. In the summer of 2014 we went for HT and GS at HRC. We failed spectacularly at that too - a poor (for me) protocol led to a poor retrieval, and eventually two FET attempts which also failed. So much time wasted! After all that HT and all those drugs I just basically didn't ovulate properly at all.

So we went back to my local clinic, where two rounds of Femara did the trick - we got our first BFP after 2.5 years of nothing. And then, only a few weeks later, I'm miscarrying.

The worst part is the timing. DH (military) is posted to a new job in a different city, about 2.5 hours drive away. (He will be home on weekends at least). And he left last night - on the first day of my miscarriage. It was already going to suck being a solo parent to my boys, one of whom has a dance camp in the next two weeks that requires me driving him in and out everyday (and 45 min each way, so 3 hours in the car per day for me). And why not, let's throw a freaking MISCARRIAGE on top of that burden!

I've had to talk to my oldest son about what to do in case I hemmorhage or pass out. The poor kid is only 11 and he looks so stressed out about maybe needing to save my life. It's just not f*cking fair to put that on his young shoulders. But I don't have a choice, he needs to know what to do in a worst-case scenario. Not only am I scared to death about my miscarriage going wrong, but I'm also worried what'll happen to my boys if it happens, and how traumatized they are going to be.

In the meantime I'm also resenting the HELL out of DH for not being here. I *know* it's not his choice, I *know* he hates it as much as I do, and I *know* he will constantly worry about me. I do have emergency help with my inlaws being very close. But it still leaves me to deal with all the emotional fallout by myself. And I hate DH for it. I hate that I can't put that on him, I refuse to burden him with it, I need him to do right by us and ace his new job - which he can't do if he's constantly worrying about me. A military career takes two to tango and I've spent the last 13 years supporting his career- I refuse to threaten that now after all that work! But that doesn't mean I don't resent the hell out of the situation his job has put me in. We might need counselling after all this.

It's just not fair. I'm so scared that my body is just too old to have another baby, that we can't make another healthy embryo, that we'll have to go through more losses to find that good embie. I don't know if my heart can take it but I can't quite just close the book on having another child. I honestly don't give a sh!t about gender anymore. I just want to have another baby and not feel so damned broken, and angry.

Also, I might break my tv if I see that f*cking Pampers commercial again!!!

[ELP]

So sorry to hear about your loss LP Everything sounds on top of you atm, I hope life or fate gives you a little help soon xxx

[LacePrincess]

Thanks ELP. I sure hope so too.

Well what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Except it has to NOT kill you first! LOL

[XXforhubby]

Rock bottom SUCKS! My heart goes out to you and all that you have to juggle right now. Keep venting to us until life FINALLY gives you a much needed break! I hope things turn around for you soon ! Life can be so unfair sometimes- but I'm hoping and praying that the pendulum is getting ready to upswing for you!

Hugs!

[twointow83]

I'm so sorry ((((HUGS)))) Everything you are feeling is normal, not that that helps any. I resented DH after we lost our DD. I resented him for not being a blubbering, water logged mess like me... like he was with our first loss. I felt like I was going through it all alone. That he didn't care. Loss is one of those things where you need a target. Something or someone to be mad at. You can't blame the bean, most of the time you can't blame the doctor... you need someone or something to be mad at and DH is an easy target, unfortunately for them. Looking back I know my DH was grieving in his own way, but that didn't keep me from feeling utterly alone. Just like you said you know your DH WANTS to be there for you but just can't.... that doesn't keep you from feeling alone.

I can't say that I "get it" completely about your 11 year old. My boys are autistic and my oldest has no empathy so with my losses he was very matter of fact and had I needed to ask the same of him I know he wouldn't have thought twice about it because, for him, it would just be a logical course of action without any emotional reaction. However, I believe that kids can handle more than we give them credit for. Growing up my Mom was a severe diabetic and I learned very early on what to do if she lost consciousness. Was the idea of that happening scary? Of course! But it felt better to know that if the worst happened that I KNEW what to do. I wouldn't have had to freak out about about not knowing what to do. I knew and for me that gave me a sense that I wouldn't be helplessly waiting for an ambulance to arrive... or worse, not even thinking to call the ambulance due to panic. It's a lot to put on his shoulders, but heaven forbid things get ugly, he will appreciate the fact that he knows what is going on and he knows what to do.

So many ((((HUGS))))

[LacePrincess]

(((twointow))) Thank you so much, everything you said really helps. I'm so sorry for your losses too.

I know my DH is like, a typical 'man' in that he feels his duty is to be the strong one. Unfortunately all his reassurances that "it'll all be okay" and "don't worry we'll get pregnant again" is only pissing me off at the moment, since right now IT'S NOT OKAY. But guys just aren't very good at talking about emotions.

And to be honest, LOL, I'd freak out if he cried. I think I do expect him to hold up the fort. And he's military anyways - that's what they're trained to do - be strong, internalize weakness, FIX things. I just hope he does grieve in his own way. In a way it's good that he's away during the week, he has his own apartment in the new city, and he can cry or rage if he needs to without having to put up a front for me. I got mad at him yesterday and he told me as much, that he felt the best way to help me was to be strong and DO things to make it easier on me. So I do appreciate it.

As you say, when we lose something, we do have so much anger and rage we need a target. And there's no one to blame but just bad luck most of the time.

I know DS1 can handle it. And you're right, they can handle more than we give them credit for! I did reassure him that it was EXTREMELY unlikely an emergency would happen, but if it did he needed to act swiftly and know exactly what to do. So he seemed to feel better after that.

[twointow83]

Glad I was able to offer help, no matter how small. I hate that so many are going through this right now. I hate that so many go through this at all. ((((More hugs))))

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[WannaGirl]

Well I have failed quite similarly to you, but have quite simply given up and much happier now (I am now going to hold out for Grandchildren I feel that bloody old and past it!) I hope its not much longer for you and you can try again. Stupid tv commercials, they always look so cute too.
Sorry that your DH is not around for support, maybe watch some nice dvds to take your mind off things?

[LacePrincess]

Well I have failed quite similarly to you, but have quite simply given up and much happier now (I am now going to hold out for Grandchildren I feel that bloody old and past it!) I hope its not much longer for you and you can try again. Stupid tv commercials, they always look so cute too.
Sorry that your DH is not around for support, maybe watch some nice dvds to take your mind off things?

Oh Wannagirl, my heart is broken for you too. I wish I could let go, but I can't, not yet. It would be easier if I could.

I have such a strong feeling that this little bean was a boy. Of course I have no way of confirming that, but I just kind of....know. The same way I had a sense my first loss was a girl. Yesterday when I was walking the dog I was listening to the Les Miz soundtrack, and just bawled at "Bring Him Home".

Then, after, I had a humongous fight with DH (online). I was so hurt he hadn't called or emailed to check on me all day. I made excuses for him all day too, that he was busy with his new job, etc. Then he promised that he'd be online after I got back from walking the dog and he wasn't - for like an HOUR. I was just devastated. It felt like being abandoned and it hurt worse than my m/c. When he finally got online he said he had internet problems, but I was still so damned furious because he had a cell phone and he could have fucking called. I was so hurt and I'm literally (and figuratively) all alone.

Anyways the fight was pretty much me losing my shit on him. I know he's hurting too, he told me already, and we don't usually have communication issues. But I felt like he didn't go that extra length to get in touch with me and he should have. I have soooo much resentment towards the whole situation.... I mean I don't blame him for any of it, but holy shit this military crap couldn't have come at a worst time. I'm also still harbouring resentment that I lost a whole year of my good fertile years in 2012 because he was deployed.

So yeah, I think we could do with some counselling.

[twointow83]

Oh Wannagirl, my heart is broken for you too. I wish I could let go, but I can't, not yet. It would be easier if I could.

I have such a strong feeling that this little bean was a boy. Of course I have no way of confirming that, but I just kind of....know. The same way I had a sense my first loss was a girl. Yesterday when I was walking the dog I was listening to the Les Miz soundtrack, and just bawled at "Bring Him Home".

Then, after, I had a humongous fight with DH (online). I was so hurt he hadn't called or emailed to check on me all day. I made excuses for him all day too, that he was busy with his new job, etc. Then he promised that he'd be online after I got back from walking the dog and he wasn't - for like an HOUR. I was just devastated. It felt like being abandoned and it hurt worse than my m/c. When he finally got online he said he had internet problems, but I was still so damned furious because he had a cell phone and he could have fucking called. I was so hurt and I'm literally (and figuratively) all alone.

Anyways the fight was pretty much me losing my shit on him. I know he's hurting too, he told me already, and we don't usually have communication issues. But I felt like he didn't go that extra length to get in touch with me and he should have. I have soooo much resentment towards the whole situation.... I mean I don't blame him for any of it, but holy shit this military crap couldn't have come at a worst time. I'm also still harbouring resentment that I lost a whole year of my good fertile years in 2012 because he was deployed.

So yeah, I think we could do with some counselling.

((((Hugs))))

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