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  1. #1
    Dreamer

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    You have kids you have nothing to be sad about (said after a loss)

    Why do people say that? I told someone today to please stop telling me updates on a woman who is pregnant with her second baby - she is due around when I would have been due in May. Yes, I have healthy children that I adore but I did lose a much wanted baby. So why am I not allowed to say "I'm not ready to hear about other people's pregnancies just yet."

    I will be ready to hear updates in time but now it is still too fresh for me. Is this wrong? The person giving me updates knows I lost my pregnancy so it's not as if she was oblivious. Are mothers with children not allowed to grieve CP/MC? Am I unusual that I don't feel over the loss very fast?

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry, people can be so inconsiderate. My own mother said something similar after my third loss. I just stopped talking to her about it altogether and never mentioned it again.

    It's okay to be sad about it. Heck 3 years later and I still cry about my losses from time to time. Everyone deals with it differently and it's normal to not want to be around someone who's pregnant or hear about others who are.

    Try your best to tune out the rude people that don't understand and surround yourself with those that love and support you.
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  4. #3
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    Thank you ksmom. I am sorry for your losses.

    I am actually ok hearing about pregnancies or new babies (I'm always happy to hear of pregnancies on this forum but it's a little different because I know most of the women here are swaying for a reason and I know it isn't easy to sway or to not get your DG). It's just this woman will now have a PP, boy then girl - just like that. AND she is due literally when I would have been due. And unless I avoid her I would see her daily. And I do actively avoid her. So anyway it's like watching what could have been for me and I just am not strong enough to hear about it right now.

  5. #4
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    That is still the thing that gets to me. How many people just have a boy and a girl or a girl and a boy just like that and then everyone is all rejoicing as if they cured cancer or whatever. Then I had boy after boy for 21 years and had to do all this stuff just to get one girl, and now I've got small children and no money still and I'm nearly 50 years old. i love my kids and I woudn't do anything any different, but there are other things I wanted to do in my life and now I just feel spread so thin - I'm not as good of a mom as I'd like, we don't have the money, I have all these balls in the air - it's hard. So to see literally everyone I know IRL get a PP without even trying and then be all lke "and now we're DONE!"and then posting all these pics of Disneyland and daquiris on beaches - it is hard to take.

    I don't have any advice, just huge (((hugs))).
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  7. #5
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    I just need to add that never let someone's stupid tactless comments make you doubt yourself even for a second.

    I had 2 MC and one honestly I was relieved about, and it makes me still feel awful. I just wasn't ready. But the one that followed immediately after was devastating. Everyone takes this differently and many people are just a**holes.

    I have 5 boys and have recieved the MEANEST comments ever. And from complete strangers. And if I ever felt comfortable telling someone I wish I had the chance to have a daughter, I immediately regretted it. Because suddenly I was evil and wasnt grateful for healthy children and more and more.

    They all have their son and daughter or 2 sons and 2 daughters and never put a second thought into their lives.

    I'm sorry someone was nasty. You take all the time you need to mourn your loss. Hugs.

    Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

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  9. #6
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    Thank you AS and Mom25boys. I totally agree, Mom25boys, it's all about if you wanted the pregnancy or not. This is why I do not judge women re: their decisions about pregnancies; it's all to complex and life is so messy. I do have to say, I had never had a MC and the only good thing is now I truly understand how hard it is for many women. I thought I understood before but really I don't think I did quite "get it". Now, yeah...I get it.

    AS, I totally agree. It drives me crazy how the second baby is celebrated if it's the opposite gender but if it's the same gender, it's "oh, another boy/girl". The woman who told me our mutual acquaintance is having a girl was super excited. I had to wonder if it was a boy, would she have been that excited? Would she have felt the need to announce it when the pregnant woman was not even around and I didn't even ask?

    Definitely, DH has a lot of comments that we won't be able to afford regular holidays with another baby. Maybe it is selfish to take that away from my living kids but my heart aches for a daughter. And DH knows how badly I want a daughter, bless him. I feel like if I don't try, no amount of holidays/trips will ever make up for that "what if". It's already a long shot with my age, so I feel like I have a few more months to go for it and then if it doesn't work, I will have to come to terms with it regardless. So, I might as well go for it.

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