Originally Posted by
Serenity
Thank you for your replies. Some interesting perspectives there, and they give me a lot to think about.
I don't think HT is an option for us, although I'll keep it in mind. I did mention it to DH and he looked at me like I had three heads. I'm also not sure I could justify the expense, time, etc., because I'd be worried about how all that might impact my little guys, or if it would be fair to them (for example, we haven't been to Disney yet, and that could actually be a possibility for us sometime soon). I'm not even sure how I'd ever explain going HT to them without them ending up feeling like they didn't matter to me, or weren't enough for me. No judgment on anyone who chooses to go this route, and who knows what the future holds: I could end up doing it myself one day. It's just that I'm very close to my oldest son, and we talk a lot...I'm not sure what I would say to him.
I do think that I could get more involved in my sons' worlds, and involve them more in mine. I've been thinking about this a lot, actually. My thoughts are: playing video games with my oldest, playing in puddles/with worms and rocks with my youngest, joining the family in more "boyish" activities, even if they wouldn't be totally comfortable or fun for me, doing more "gender-neutral" activities together like more reading and board games, baking together, maybe even going shopping together (hey, they do need school clothes!). One thought that has been helping me a LOT recently has been the idea of how gentlemanly and stylin' I can help them be. Both my kids are really, really cute, and all the girls in my oldest son's class are always chasing him around. I can see lots of ways that a female perspective might be really useful and valuable to both my kids as they move forward in their lives. Just because they won't stop making jokes about private parts right now (despite being disciplined for it!) doesn't mean that things will always be like that. Maybe I will have a teenager or young person to talk with about dating troubles yet...
Atomic, your reply, and the honest place it comes from, is deeply appreciated. Thank you. I do sincerely wonder sometimes if this is a "grass is always greener" thing on my part. I seem to have a part of my personality that is never satisfied. I call it "the abyss," because it's like there's a deep hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. I think that if I am ever going to be really, truly happy in life, I will need to find a constructive way to deal with this part of me. Sometimes I feel a still, small voice in me whispering "Look around you. You are missing nothing. Everything is exactly as it should be...it always has been, and always will be."
Sometimes I am almost able to see that the most beautiful thing about life is how shatteringly imperfect it is.
I found a small, heart-shaped rock at the beach on our vacation, and I held it in my hand for a long time. When we were driving home, I prayed for the strength to release it, and then I found myself dropping it out the window. And just then we drove by a flock of birds, and they all went flying together into the sky.
I keep telling myself that it's OK to grieve as much as I need to, but at the same time, I have lost nothing, because my daughter never really existed. Holding both truths in my mind at once helps.
I also keep trying to explain to this little girl inside me, who is so disappointed that the daughter she dreamed of hasn't appeared, that my boys ARE my "daughters," in the sense that the purpose of this dream was probably to lead me to have children, and it worked! Do I really need to keep chasing this now, or has it already served its purpose...
Just my thoughts. Thank you for reading, and I wish you all much peace and happiness. :D