Originally Posted by
Blue2
Disclaimer: this is a rambling diary entry because I don't know who to talk to but need to get some thoughts off my chest. Hopefully someone somewhere reads them and knows she isn't alone in having similar thoughts...
In 5 days I will know whether my blue sway worked or not. And it makes me physically ill to think about opening the NIPT results email to a "FEMALE" result. I haven't slept or eaten well since my first ultrasound and blood draw 3 days ago. Seeing the little peanut on the screen suddenly made it so real. Up until then I was in the dark place of "well if it's another DD and I find out soon enough, maybe we could terminate the pregnancy & try again with HT". And there is a small part of me that honestly still wants that if I find out my sway failed. But seeing that LO on the ultrasound screen shrunk the part of me that is twisted & selfish enough to want a DS so badly I would terminate a pregnancy.
These emotions are so complex and I am so overwhelmed by anticipation, anxiety, and what can only be described as premeditated grief over the loss of my chance at a DS. I followed ThrowawayPanther's boy sway journey since the day I joined GD website. As I mentioned earlier on this thread, I was devastated for her to the point of needing a break from the forums. Because she is me. And I feel deep down that this LO is going to be DD2.
What scares me is how insanely jealous I am of friends who have baby boys. Rational me knows they aren't trying to rub it in, but I've realized I've been avoiding interacting with them because I cannot handle the "happy mother and son bonding" photos I see all over Facebook. And I haven't even confirmed whether the LO I'm carrying is a DS or DD2 yet!! I think this jealously would be even worse if one of my siblings had a son. Would I avoid interacting with my own siblings if I had 2 DDs and they got the DS I always wanted? How do you get past a jealousy so deep & so crippling?
Maybe it's more obvious if you're overly-sensitive to it but it seems like every day there is a new "baby girl on the way!" post on social media from one random Facebook friend or another. I keep thinking, well if it's truly 50/50 and so many of them are having girls maybe the universe has to balance out and I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets a boy! ...even though I know that's irrational & not how this works
I've combed through every single thread on this website that I thought would've been even remotely helpful/applicable to my sway. It's like every time I long onto this site I'm searching for confirmation by reading between the lines of what other people have written. Like, oh she did this or she did that and she got a boy so I'm good!! ...again, even though I know that's not how this works
I felt my heart crack when I opened my NIPT results in 2017 with first DD. But it will shatter into a thousand million pieces if I'm put through another round of gender disappointment 5 days from now
Do you ever get to a point where you love a baby that you wished were a different gender? If I do get a DS, would I love him more than my DD?
I don't know. But I guess we will find out...