Blaming myself and feeling defective
I just went through my third early miscarriage. I have now lost more babies than I have managed to bring to this world.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I realized that I didn't really care if it was a boy or a girl. I was just so grateful to finally be carrying my third child.
I'm blaming myself for the loss, like maybe it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been swaying. But I lost two others before, and I wasn't swaying then.
I feel broken somehow, and I'm wondering why this has happened to me so many times. I'm also wondering why, if I don't care if I have a boy or a girl, I still want to sway, which I do. I guess it's because I am ready to love whichever baby I'm meant to have, but if I can have an influence on the process, I'd still like to have a girl. I'm doing a way lighter sway than I was before, though.
I miss my baby. I felt so lucky to have him or her, and I don't feel lucky anymore. :tissue: