I hate to be the first to post...
but I guess someone has to! :)
I'm a mom of 3 boys already, and due with a surprise in early March. I'm SOOOOOO ready to know if this is finally going to be my girl! I hope with all my heart, but have so much fear that it won't.
I already love the baby regardless, that's why the Gender Desire board is a better fit for me. But, I do have fear of how I really will feel when/if the delivery reveals our 4th and final boy. I'm already set to sign my tubal paperwork in a few weeks, and I know we have to be done at 4. We were supposed to be done at 3, but life took such an unexpected turn for us.
With my first 2 boys, I never really gave the gender much thought. First time, for sure, I was just happy to be having a baby. Always assumed I'd have a mixture I guess, so his gender was welcome either way. Second time, I know I thought it would be nice to go ahead and get the girl just to have "one of each", but when I found out he was a boy, I was excited that my first ds was getting a brother. I knew that would be a special bond for them.
With number 3, we thought that was our final, and the pressure was a little more about having a girl. But, I already loved my other boys so much that I knew the love for this baby was not going to be in question regardless. To my surprise, at my 17 wk anatomy scan I was told, "it's a girl!" I was thrilled!! Beyond thrilled, really!!!
I was hesitant to go nuts buying out the pink in the stores, even though we got what seemed like a pretty obvious 3-line image of the goods. I just wanted it reconfimed before I got really attached to the idea. But, truthfully, the minute the u/s tech told me girl, I was attached!! At my 20 wk u/s the baby was in a bad position, but the tech said that she still believed it was a girl.
Then at 24 wks I had another u/s (I had placenta issues, and had to have u/s at every apt.), and that's the one that changed everything for me. This time the gender check revealed pretty obvious boy parts! I was devastated! I felt like the baby girl I had bonded with had died. I loved this baby that I was getting, but he felt totally foriegn to me. As if the babies had literally been swapped inside my body.
I know that's hard for people to understand who haven't been through it. And I really struggled with the emotions of the "loss" I felt for a long time. And I know without any doubt that had I not experienced this u/s mistake, we would not be having this baby #4!
I was done at 3, and really know that even if I had just been told that baby was a boy all along that it would have been easier to accept than going through the 2 month period there truly believing I was having a girl and then having her taken away in an instant.
I LOVE my ds#3 so much!!! He is attached to mommy like you would not believe!! So special to me!! And I've dealt with a lot of guilt for the painful emotions I had from the u/s mistake with him. But, I always knew that it never had anything to do with him. The pain was over the baby that I felt I lost, not over the one that I got.
Anyway, there was still a very raw spot on my heart for the girl that I "almost" had. And one day, my hubby said something that made it all make sense for me, and is what led us to this pregnancy now. One of the things I tried so hard to do was make sense out of "why" that happened to me. And he said, "I have no doubt WHY it happened. It happened so you would have another baby." The way he explained it is that my heart was so set on being done at 3 (and it was!!) that it really was going to take something as painful as that experience to even let me be open to the possibility of even one more child! And that was so true! It hit me like a ton of bricks!
I don't believe that I was supposed to have this baby just to get a girl (though, with all my heart I hope it is really a girl!!). But, it does make me feel really special to know that this baby was so important to God to be here, that He did have to break my heart in order to make the way possible for him/her to be in our lives. (I am very spiritual, btw!) And, I know my pain broke God's heart as well, and I wish I would have been stronger during that time. But, I'm honored to be this child's mother. And I can't wait to finally know "who" this special baby is, because I know either way I'm being blessed with a child that really wasn't going to be here if it had been by my plans alone.
Now if I can just overcome these darned human emotions and desires, life will be perfect, right?! :)
