Was HT worth it? Here's my story
I have three boys and had GD during my second pregnancy (mostly disappeared after he was born, but then again, three kids was always the plan), so I didn't find out what I was having for the third. I just figured it would be a girl, you know? I told everyone that I didn't want to know bc I wanted to experience the surprise since I knew for the first two. Well, in part that was true, but the real truth is that I didn't want to confront the fact that it might be a boy. I just wanted to enjoy the pregnancy (I even bought two new outfits - pink and blue - to take to the hospital. And it felt great to legitimately buy pink!). And once the baby came, on the off chance it was a boy (ha!), I figured I would bond with him and get over it. After all, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, surely.
Well, I did bond with him and I am not sorry I had three kids. But I had no idea what a tailspin I would go into. Major depression. There were other factors (health issues, job issues, a move away from family), aside from having three young kids, that contributed to the depression. But a lot of that was caused by GD, for sure.
Once we got settled into our new house / job / recovered from illness, I had just turned 39 and we began the HT journey (or what we refer to as the 'crazy train', a line taken from a previous poster!). To make a long story short, I had two failed attempts. Both cycles cancelled even before retrieval. It was brutal. It was all in secret. It was unbelievably high stress and high stakes. All in all as far as HT goes, if it's going to fail, it failed well for me. I didn't have to go through the retrieval even, or worse, the possibility of leftover boy embryos. It was a lot of money down the drain with no baby to show for it.
As the three lovely children that I DO have grow, I am embracing the fact that there will be no more diapers, no crazy toddlers, and all the fun possibilities - travel, eating out, all the mundane things made easier by not having an infant or a toddler. It's definitely a silver lining and how I am moving forward (I never really wanted four kids, three sounded so much more manageable. But I was so desperate to have a girl that I decided that in the end, I could overcome the difficulties of having so many kids).
But I will say this, I do wish things had turned out differently. I still wish I had my own little girl in my arms. I wish that the little hole I still feel was instead filled with my daughter. It wasn't meant to be for me. HT was a total failure and while I torture myself with the thought of TTC naturally, the fact is, my husband is ready to move on - and mostly, so am I. I'm 40 years old now. My children are older and we are moving beyond the baby stage. I'm looking forward to having fun with them!
So was HT worth it? On the one hand, it was a failure with no baby and several thousand dollars down the drain (but I wouldn't have done it if we couldn't have afforded it). On the other, if I hadn't done it, I would not only still have a deep desire for a daughter, but all the 'what ifs' that come with that. At least I don't have regrets. The fact that my husband agreed to it at all and supported me through it was a true test of our marriage, and I have to say, made it all the more stronger. And in the end, I gambled away money, not a fourth child. Would I have GD with a fourth boy? Most definitely. Would I regret having a fourth boy? I'm positive I would come around, but that is not a journey I looked forward to at all. On the other hand, a chance to have a fourth child with a guarantee of a girl?? No regrets on that account.
But the gender desire did not disappear with our attempts. I still have to concentrate on all the positive things in my life and consciously push away the GD thoughts. I'm sure it will get easier with time. I'm also sure that I will never *truly* be over it. But I am finding peace. I have given away the vast majority of my baby items, and found true satisfaction in that.
When I find myself wallowing, here are some of the things I think of so that the moment will pass:
1. I met a new neighbor with two healthy boys and a girl - with severe Downs. Put things in perspective for me.
2. I have several friends with all boys who truly don't seem bothered by it. While we never talked about GD (so taboo!), I've never gotten the sense that they experienced GD. And they are pretty girly! So I'm trying to take a cue from them.
3. I ask myself the following questions:
how much do I want a girl? 100%
but how much do I want a boy? 10%
and how much do I want another baby? about 15%. The answers change from day to day (well, not the 100%!), but it does help me sort out my feelings. Do I really want another baby, or do I just want a girl? (I just want a girl) Is it worth the risk? No. Not unless I can get the other two answers up to over 50%. The highest I ever got for the boy question was 40%, so that answers my own question for me.
I don't regret doing HT, just it not working. I don't even regret the $$. It's only money. If I had gotten pregnant, it would have been the best money I ever spent.
And while I still experience GD from time to time, I think it is lessening and I'm finding peace. We just don't always get what we want in life. I did make a vow to myself, even during the bad GD days, that I wouldn't let GD come before the kids I do have. If that meant turning the computer off so that I could play with them, I would force myself to do so.
And now I hardly ever log on anymore. It's time to move on.
Good luck with your journey - I sincerely hope that you end up with the child you've always dreamed about. But if you don't, I hope you find peace. I'm still working on it, but now I feel it's within my grasp.
