Making peace with my situation!!!!

I am not sure if many people on this forum can understand me because my situation is little different than majority. For example, Firstly I come from a country where 1 child is becoming common these days due to overpopulation (though we decided to have 2) and, 3 kids are considered crazy. The trend was 3 kids in 70s which turned to 2 later in mid 80-90s and, now its going more towards 1 kid only. Secondly, boys are preferred more than girls. Please don't judge me but I see more people wanting girls and going for 3 or more kids here, though I was myself part of boy sway forum so, I know there are people wanting boys but I am just talking abt majority here.

so, with that background I would like to post the pain that I have been suffering since we found out we are going to have our second girl and how I am making peace with it. There is no possibility of a 3rd child for us (I understand that lot of people don't get it)..... but my dream of raising a boy is over. Both of us wanted a boy n a girl ...so that we get to experience best of both worlds but now we came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter....girl or boy...the ultimate thing in life is that how happy, content n successful our kids are in their life.

We are both graduate from best college of US and we hope that our kids will also follow our path n be very successful. We also believe that raising kids with that expectation needs lot of dedication, time and energy....and we have only 24 hrs in a day :) This means adding a third one will invariably bring more compromises. We are also not very young couple. I am 37 and hubby is 42 and by the time our little one graduates we will be in our mid 60s already.

That being said, we definitely have imagined a slightly different parental role that not everyone is going to identify with. Again, this may be a cultural thing..not sure.. plz don't judge us. Just for sake of an example, i would be happy to gift a BMW or Merc to my daughter, if she works hard and gets in to an Ivy league college. For some it may sound stupid or show-off but I know... it will make me happy to be able to give her the best education, motivation, support and then to reward her for all the accomplishment. With this mindset, we think that we should be just happy with 2 little princess and try to raise them as best as we can.

in the hindsight, I regret that I wasted 5 years in ttcing due to fear of ruining my boy dream. I now believe that whatever is yours will ultimately come to you...life is a journey....and we should happily accept whatever comes our way n move on. Happiness can be found in whatever we have .....there is always someone less fortunate than you..you just have to be strong. I could have tried conceiving within a year after having my first baby but I waited n waited. Also, it has not been even a month since we found out ...so there are days when I regret and wonder what went wrong with my attempt..but in my heart I know that I gave my 200%..and whatever I think..I should have done differently.....I see that someone had success doing the same thing. so, there is nothing that I could have done differently. I also had lot of faith in prayers n god n this was the only thing that I wanted directly from him...bcoz for other things in life, I believe if you work hard then you can get whatever you want....but this one had to be with his consent. It seems he didn't listen....and can't even say..better luck next time...as there is no next time...we are done :)

I just hope that I am not hurting anyone's feelings with my beliefs and, with all my heart n soul ...I wish success to everybody...I know How much it hurts to know that your dream is over ..and this is the kind where there is not even a funeral for your loss. So, I hope I am the last one with a failed sway on this board...and I hope everyone finds peace with their lives.

I am glad that you have made peace with the situation. I too come from a place where people rarely go for child # 3. But here I am a mother of 3 girls and pregnant with baby #4. Unfortunately, I could never make my peace with the situation.. I have a feeling that there is a boy waiting to join our family and so I could never feel complete. I have tried getting rid of this Gender Desire and quitting TTC many times, but ended up with utmost depression. :( I know that there is no guarantee that the baby I am carrying is a boy. But I just wanted to try one last time..

I appreciate you for being able to accept reality and move on.. Hats off..

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Originally Posted by toffee-praying-for-a-son

I am glad that you have made peace with the situation. I too come from a place where people rarely go for child # 3. But here I am a mother of 3 girls and pregnant with baby #4. Unfortunately, I could never make my peace with the situation.. I have a feeling that there is a boy waiting to join our family and so I could never feel complete. I have tried getting rid of this Gender Desire and quitting TTC many times, but ended up with utmost depression. :( I know that there is no guarantee that the baby I am carrying is a boy. But I just wanted to try one last time..

I appreciate you for being able to accept reality and move on.. Hats off..

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I totally understand you n know many people in your situation. I pray that god give you the son you r wanting for so long. I believe that I am able to move on bcoz I am not in 'India' right now and, not surrounded by people/family pressuring or judging me for not having a boy. I also have many friends with 2 girls and this gives me some satisfaction that I am not the only one. What I am trying to say is that I can put myself in your shoe and totally understand you.

Additionally, I am lucky to have a very supportive husband, who believes that in 10-15 years gender preference of asians would change for sure. They would start preferring more girls than boys same as the current western society does. We did discuss going for IVF/PGD for a 3rd boy and his opinion was that ....why to go through so much ...how would I feel if in 20 yrs I come to realize that I already had the perfect family with 2 precious girls.

I have seen that we do take family and raising kids differently than other cultures so, when I say 'go through so much' then it entails lot of things other than the pain and suffering of IVf process, that other people can't even fathom. Today itself, I came across a post where the discussion was about whether or not to have a second child.....and the Indian mom with a 15 yr. Old only daughter described how satisfied and content she is with her decision ...knowing that her daughter can go to any college of her choice without worrying about loans and remain debt free. I am not sure how many people understand or identify with that.....It is totally 'to each their own'.

I understand the cultural aspect of gender desire Snd disappointed, having grown up to believe that boys are more desirable than girls it's hard not to feel like a failure

Well, even though I live in England and I'm originally from Scandinavia I can recognise alot of what you say. Two is the norm, three is extravagant and four is just insane.. anymore and you're just downright irresponsible and neglectful. Atleast that's how it goes in our circle of family and friends.

I felt what you felt when I heard 'boy' second time because OH said he didn't want anymore. I was gutted. I kept yo-yo-ing back and forward between being deeply upset, trying to convince myself they'd seen wrong and being OK with it. But I never made peace with it - meaning, although I love my youngest son as much as I would any child, I don't feel like I'm done having children! I want my little girl and if it was up to me I'd have two little girls for perfect balance (I'm weird.. I don't like odd numbers!), but being realistic I know this next baby will be the last.

No-one here will judge we - we all come from different cultures, backgrounds, financial situation and all that influences our choice over how many children we ourselves feel we can cope with. IF thats two for you and your husband, then thats alright - no-one is going to think you want a son less than us because you didn't continue until you had a boy!

Same here. Two is normal, three is already al "large" family. And four is exceptional. And we are considering number 5.
Really, we always wanted 2. But no girl. So tried for number 3. No girl. Number 4 was an oops-baby, but welcome, because it could be my girl. But no.
Now we are thinking about number 5 because we are a large family already, so one can come along as well. You always go one step further, and if that is what will make you the happiest......

Its funny you say that Tiggerian as I'm from the UK originally and now live in Norway and my experience is different. I think if we were in the UK I would have felt it was more normal to stick to just 2 children, a max of three, but loads of people I know here in Norway have 3 or 4 children and don't seem to bat an eyelid!

If I were to go on and have a 4th, and that is a big IF, my concerns are more about how we would cope as a family, whether I have enough time for all my children, financial implications and the reaction of people in the UK rather than over here.
When I first saw my midwife here for this pregnancy and said 'I think this is definitely our last!' she shrugged and said 'hey nothing wrong with having a 4th in the future if you wanted to'.

Maybe Norway is different because they are actively trying to encourage people to have children and expand the population. x