Feeling conflicted ..

DH said something to me last night that really made me re consider TTC at all. I was feeling super anxious about the sway coming up in July and said "Let's just try now. I am ovulating in a few days so lets just go for it." and he said "I don't want to. I want to make sure we do it right because if it's another girl I will regret that we tried in the first place." I know he is just being honest. And I can't say I don't feel the same way. I mean of course I will be happy if he/she is healthy! That is the most important thing but I ACHE for a son. I honestly feel like if I never had a son I would feel like my life was incomplete (I hope that doesn't sound crazy) but I feel like I may have been pushing this on him. For the longest time he gas been telling me that he is fine with just one child because he really doesn't want a house full of girls. DH is AMAZING with DD she is his world. But he really doesn't want to be a father to a bunch of girls. I feel like if this sway fails and he is un happy I will feel horrible. Has anyone else delt with similar feelings? Any advice on things I could say to DH? I am just wondering if we should even do it at all now. It is all becoming so overwhelming. I find myself at a point where I almost feel obsessed with swaying and making sure I am not missing any details and comparing boy and girl sways to see if I notice any "magic bullets". :think:

I would be pushing the "DD needs a sibling" point no matter if it is a boy or a girl, does your DH have siblings, ask him if he thinks it's fair to only have 1 child.

My DP was scared to have another child because he thought he would end up with 4 girls, but i didn't really care about that, i wanted 2 children and he knew that very early on, it was a bonus that our sway worked and he is so so so happy its a boy. I know if it was a girl he would have been gutted, but that is a risk i was willing to take.

If you do end up with another DD i think it is such a special gift you could give to your DD1, a life long friend/bond she would have with her little sibling, someone to share with and teach, and i am sure your DH would love her just as much. He may be saying it now that he doesn't want another girl but little newborns have a way of stealing their Daddy's hearts as i am sure you have seen already.

Well, if you go looking for a magic bullet I can promise you there are none. :)

I did not feel that way in particular, for me it wasn't about having sons but itwwas about not having a daughter. BUT I know many people who do and have so hopefully some of them chime in here. my advice is a little bit different. As someone who lived as an only child till the age of 11, I can tell you that I wish every day I had a full sibling brother or sister from my parents. I didn't love being an only child and as an adult it is kinda lonely. I have half-brother and sisters and while I love them, it's not the same as a full sibling kind of thing. There are all sorts of things I would like to share with a sibling and I just don't have that connection. So gender aside, is there any way you can make peace with your feelings of GD for the sake of your little girl? It may be that boy or girl, she will benefit from having a sibling and you can feel good about that even if you don't get a little boy.

I have been married for 21 years and I will tell you something that not a lot of women realize - a lot of guys don't WANT kids. It's not that they don't like them, it's like they dont' have that overwhelming need for them that we do. My husband could have lived happily with no kids, then with the one, then the two, then 13 years passed and I talked him into the next two finally. He didn't want our last one really at all and only went along with it because he didn't think I would get pg at 41. But now that she's here he's crazy about her of course.

My point is, if you wait around for your husband to have a high level of enthusiasm for having a baby, that day is probably never going to come. And if you feel guilty for TTC when he doesn't want to, I just don't think that's at all fair to YOU because his "I want a baby" setting is just naturally lower than yours.

Well, if you go looking for a magic bullet I can promise you there are none. :)

I did not feel that way in particular, for me it wasn't about having sons but itwwas about not having a daughter. BUT I know many people who do and have so hopefully some of them chime in here. my advice is a little bit different. As someone who lived as an only child till the age of 11, I can tell you that I wish every day I had a full sibling brother or sister from my parents. I didn't love being an only child and as an adult it is kinda lonely. I have half-brother and sisters and while I love them, it's not the same as a full sibling kind of thing. There are all sorts of things I would like to share with a sibling and I just don't have that connection. So gender aside, is there any way you can make peace with your feelings of GD for the sake of your little girl? It may be that boy or girl, she will benefit from having a sibling and you can feel good about that even if you don't get a little boy.

I have been married for 21 years and I will tell you something that not a lot of women realize - a lot of guys don't WANT kids. It's not that they don't like them, it's like they dont' have that overwhelming need for them that we do. My husband could have lived happily with no kids, then with the one, then the two, then 13 years passed and I talked him into the next two finally. He didn't want our last one really at all and only went along with it because he didn't think I would get pg at 41. But now that she's here he's crazy about her of course.

My point is, if you wait around for your husband to have a high level of enthusiasm for having a baby, that day is probably never going to come. And if you feel guilty for TTC when he doesn't want to, I just don't think that's at all fair to YOU because his "I want a baby" setting is just naturally lower than yours.

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Originally Posted by Cinss

I would be pushing the "DD needs a sibling" point no matter if it is a boy or a girl, does your DH have siblings, ask him if he thinks it's fair to only have 1 child.

My DP was scared to have another child because he thought he would end up with 4 girls, but i didn't really care about that, i wanted 2 children and he knew that very early on, it was a bonus that our sway worked and he is so so so happy its a boy. I know if it was a girl he would have been gutted, but that is a risk i was willing to take.

If you do end up with another DD i think it is such a special gift you could give to your DD1, a life long friend/bond she would have with her little sibling, someone to share with and teach, and i am sure your DH would love her just as much. He may be saying it now that he doesn't want another girl but little newborns have a way of stealing their Daddy's hearts as i am sure you have seen already.

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The whole reason he is willing to try and sway is because he realizes that DD desperartely wants a sibling and that I have always said I wanted at least 3 kids and he KNEW that while we were dating and he said OK. He has an older sister and a younger sister and none of them are close. Which probably has something to do with him wanting DD to be an only child. I on the other hand have 3 half sisters (from my dads first marriage) and a half brother (from my moms first marriage) and I never got to live with them growing up so I love the idea of having more than one child. I never thought of that (DD1 being able to teach DD2 things) that makes me feel a lot better! This is all so stressful! But hey stress is good for a boy sway right? Hahaha

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

Well, if you go looking for a magic bullet I can promise you there are none. :)

I did not feel that way in particular, for me it wasn't about having sons but itwwas about not having a daughter. BUT I know many people who do and have so hopefully some of them chime in here. my advice is a little bit different. As someone who lived as an only child till the age of 11, I can tell you that I wish every day I had a full sibling brother or sister from my parents. I didn't love being an only child and as an adult it is kinda lonely. I have half-brother and sisters and while I love them, it's not the same as a full sibling kind of thing. There are all sorts of things I would like to share with a sibling and I just don't have that connection. So gender aside, is there any way you can make peace with your feelings of GD for the sake of your little girl? It may be that boy or girl, she will benefit from having a sibling and you can feel good about that even if you don't get a little boy.

I have been married for 21 years and I will tell you something that not a lot of women realize - a lot of guys don't WANT kids. It's not that they don't like them, it's like they dont' have that overwhelming need for them that we do. My husband could have lived happily with no kids, then with the one, then the two, then 13 years passed and I talked him into the next two finally. He didn't want our last one really at all and only went along with it because he didn't think I would get pg at 41. But now that she's here he's crazy about her of course.

My point is, if you wait around for your husband to have a high level of enthusiasm for having a baby, that day is probably never going to come. And if you feel guilty for TTC when he doesn't want to, I just don't think that's at all fair to YOU because his "I want a baby" setting is just naturally lower than yours.

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I guess I always figured my DH was weird because I feel like most men want kids. But what you said makes so much sense. You seem to understand exactly where I am coming from. I only have half siblings. And I never had a relationship with them until the last 6 or so years when I got old enough for them to be able to bond with me. My parents where 40 when they had me so my siblings were older than me and into being pre teens when I was born. So I was always on my own and all of my friends had at least 2 siblings. I always desperately wanted one. And I still wish I had a full blood sibling. I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It really helps put things into perspective. I am going to share all of this with him. And hopefully it will help. If not hopefully this new sex every 2-3 days pattern will sexually blind him into submission!

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Originally Posted by atomic sagebrush

I have been married for 21 years and I will tell you something that not a lot of women realize - a lot of guys don't WANT kids. It's not that they don't like them, it's like they dont' have that overwhelming need for them that we do. My husband could have lived happily with no kids, then with the one, then the two, then 13 years passed and I talked him into the next two finally. He didn't want our last one really at all and only went along with it because he didn't think I would get pg at 41. But now that she's here he's crazy about her of course.

My point is, if you wait around for your husband to have a high level of enthusiasm for having a baby, that day is probably never going to come. And if you feel guilty for TTC when he doesn't want to, I just don't think that's at all fair to YOU because his "I want a baby" setting is just naturally lower than yours.

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AMEN!! My DH did want kids when we had them, was desperate for DD2 (our first) and specifically asked for another baby when we got DD3 but now that we are in the thick of raising kids, he's exhausted and I have had to coerce him into TTC. He wants the fun parts of having kids, but begrudges the unpleasant parts. I love all the parts of raising a kid and I am hoping I will have the chance to have one more baby....so far its proving tough!!

As for the only child thing. I have a dear friend who is an only child. She gets very upset when she hears of others making the firm decision to have an only child. She always wished for a brother or sister and deliberately had 2 kids so they would have each other. I think her issue is valid and I always mention it in a sneaky way when I hear the "WE ARE ONLY HAVING ONE!!!"

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Originally Posted by Adia

AMEN!! My DH did want kids when we had them, was desperate for DD2 (our first) and specifically asked for another baby when we got DD3 but now that we are in the thick of raising kids, he's exhausted and I have had to coerce him into TTC. He wants the fun parts of having kids, but begrudges the unpleasant parts. I love all the parts of raising a kid and I am hoping I will have the chance to have one more baby....so far its proving tough!!

As for the only child thing. I have a dear friend who is an only child. She gets very upset when she hears of others making the firm decision to have an only child. She always wished for a brother or sister and deliberately had 2 kids so they would have each other. I think her issue is valid and I always mention it in a sneaky way when I hear the "WE ARE ONLY HAVING ONE!!!"

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Hi Adia

Are u currently in the process of trying to conceive a son? I have 3 girls also!

I am an only child, it wasn't bad when I was a child because I had cousins my age that my parents would take with us if we went on vacation so I wouldn't be alone. Now that I am an adult my heart yearns for a sibling, its not my parents fault my mom couldn't have children after me but it is very lonely not having a sibling to share things with as you get older. And to top things off I married an only child!! so now my children don't have aunts and uncles. So I knew when started trying for a family there was no way in hell I was going to have an only child if I could help it, if I couldn't of had more than one physically then I would of adopted.

"I don't want to. I want to make sure we do it right because if it's another girl I will regret that we tried in the first place." Would he really?? Or is he just trying to explain in the wrong words that he wants to do everything by the book and get that little boy you want so much. Maybe his scared he can't give you your boy. I know my husbands always at me saying come on here lets just do it now, I want a baby. I am the one knowing I would regret not trying. Not that I would regret having another boy but I would regret not trying for a girl. Maybe that's what he was getting at?