GD is Destroying My Marriage
I'm going for an early gender scan in 11 days to find out what I'm having. My sway was pretty good and for a while I started to feel like I had a good shot at getting a girl. When I was pg with DS, I was convinced I was having a girl at first, but then a few weeks before my ultrasound I got really scared and upset that I could be having a boy, and then when I heard boy at the ultrasound it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I'm having that feeling again, that I am having another boy and I don't think I am going to be able to deal with that. My GD was very extreme with DS and now it feels like it's starting back up all over again.
We don't have the money for HT as DH's student loan debt by itself will take us a lifetime to pay back. I've spent the bulk of this morning crying, and the emotions are getting so much worse.
My biggest problem though is DH. He really doesn't understand my GD and it makes him very angry. I am truly terrified that if we find out we're having another boy and I have a complete emotional breakdown (like I think I'd have) that he'll end up wanting to divorce me and then I don't know what I would do. I have tried so hard to talk with him about how I feel and he just doesn't understand it. He doesn't want to understand it either. I don't want my marriage to be destroyed, but at the same time I can't change the way my heart feels. DH will be furious with me if all I do is cry for the rest of this pregnancy. He won't stick around and will go off on his usual rant that I should be grateful for a healthy child, which only makes me feel even worse.
I really feel like I'm headed for a mental breakdown and at this point, I can truly say that I regret swaying and getting pregnant again at this point. I was really naive and dumb and didn't believe that an opposite would be possible for me this time around. I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun right now and my marriage and family life are going to suffer terribly if I'm not having a girl this time around.
On the other hand though...I HAD to do SOMETHING. I was suffering terribly from GD even after my son's birth and since we can't afford HT, swaying as all we could do. I couldn't continue to live with the pain of not having a daughter, so I swayed and prayed a lot and rolled the dice, and now here I am.
It wasn't my intention to make anyone feel bad about anything and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I can't talk about my feeling IRL and truth be told, I have been having really dark thoughts lately. I know this isn't healthy and yes, I really do need some help but I have no where else to turn to get it right now. I don't have a doctor I can talk with about this and I don't want to rock the boat at home too much so to speak as DH is always angry with me anymore. Thanks for listening. My heart is completely broken right now and I don't have anywhere else to turn. I shouldn't be tasked with trying to brace myself for another painful round of extreme GD on top of the fear of losing my husband and my family in the process. :broken: