I never would have imagined this

8 years ago I waddled into my 20 week scan giddy as a school girl. There was not one single doubt that she would confirm a healthy baby girl for me. She excitedly reported "its a boy" and DH looked at me like a happy lovesick pup. I said nothing. If I would've opened my mouth the tears would flow. I could feel them welling up. Please don't blink......Oh no the tears started.......hurry up you dumb lady.........this can't be happening. I was full blown silent sobbing before we could make it to the car. Once inside the car I screamed. I mean I screamed loud. I kicked the ever loving daylights out of the dashboard. I pulled my hair. I really just kinda blacked out. I threw a tantrum like no other fit you had seen. I have NEVER NEVER behaved like this before. MY DH was absolutely speechless. He just stared at me.......dumbfounded.

I finally caught my breath. i was not expecting any of this. I was not expecting boy. I surely didn't expect to feel like this. I spiraled into the deepest darkest depression you can imagine. I can only explain it like I was mourning. Oh, I was an awful awful person to be around. I wished for horrible things that I can't bear to admit. You all know the rest. All the usual having to know what everyone is having, everybody hates boys.........blah blah blah it was awful. Through my google searches I found IG and first heard the words gender desire or disappointment. Yes, that was me! There's other people just like me? Im not the only one. Phew thank God I'm not crazy.....or at least not the only one not crazy.......right?

My adorable gd baby boy was born. WOW I Love You! Like really really LOVE you! Your'e not a mistake. Im so glad I have you. Those were all my first thoughts. I would love to tell you that my GD disappeared right then and there but it didn't.

Nope, didn't happen. It did shift to more of a gender desire instead of disappointment though. That little bundle had my heart. The depression lingered. It was deep and dark and those kinds of depressions don't just go away.

Eventually I unplugged from IG. I decided that to move on I needed to move on. I could write a novel on all my triggers and all the ways that GD reared its ugly head throughout the years. I won't waste your time though because if your here.......you already know. My marriage struggled bad. I think he just didn't know if he could handle me or something. Maybe resentment for falling apart. I don't know. He's not much of a talker. He's still here though and so am I. Making it better everyday.

What I really want to say is that my GD baby has truly been my saving grace. He was the best baby on the planet. Never cried when he was hungry. Only rooted and wiggled until I would wake up. He wasn't a rough and tumble curtain climber. He could sit in his stroller through entire birthday parties just observing. Everyone wanted to to hold him. I'm sure he gave GD to a few all girl moms. As he's gotten older his charming factor only doubles. All of his big brothers friends adore him. When we go to my first son's games the team all yells my DS 2 name. Whats up wanna play. LOL

I''m that mom at the grocery store who makes you question your parenting abilities when you see me. My sweet lil boy pushing his kid cart next to mine. He's not running, not throwing a fit. When I run into an acquaintance he just stands there patiently waiting for me to finish. I'm not that great of a parent......he's just awesome. When I tuck him in and he looks me in the eye and makes small talk my heart swells. I literally almost cry because I am so lucky to be his mom. We get along like peas and carrots. I enjoy talking with him. Don't get me wrong he is all boy. A natural athlete at every sport he attempts. He is always asking my DH to play catch. He is obsessed with cars. From the time he had any form of dexterity he would toddle off alone and just scoot around cars. He's never been one to throw tantrums. He fits zero of the nasty boy stereo types. I'm not sure where to stop this chapter because fitting in all his positive attributes is a heavy undertaking. He talks with a cute little lisp. I don't know if lisp is the right word but he's the kid that says goryle instead of girl. I am told by every teacher how wonderful he is. People actually offer to babysit him when I'm not looking. He is everything I always wanted in a child. I just didn't know all those things could be wrapped into a little body with a penis. WOW How I wish I could've known.

My desire for a daughter still has not left me. I am here after all. LOL I just wanted to share how much this one person has truly enriched my life. I would rather be around him than anyone. I truly love his company. My life would not be as happy without him. GD SUCKS!!! I don't know why some people care and others get the freedom of not caring. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could be freed from the desire to raise a daughter. The one lesson I will take with me is SOME OF GOD'S GREATEST GIFTS ARE UNANSWERED PRAYERS

I know what you are feeling. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sucks but it will not kill you. It will change you. Not into a bitter sour old lady. It will change how you respond to gender announcements. It will change your sensitivity level to other peoples struggles. It will make you stronger when you come out on the other side. I hope that you find as much joy with your GD baby as I have.