Wish I could just be happy...
This whole situation of not knowing what the sex of the baby is has just taken over my life. I feel like I'm not being the mother that I was to my 2 girls before I was pregnant. I'm not neglecting them but I feel like I am disconnected. The thought of having 3 girls has been almost haunting me, and everyone is just reasoning with the thought that this baby is a girl. My friends say well at least we don't have to buy a new shirt for the hospital we'll just wear the same pink one we've been wearing and my husbands sisters are always telling me that they feel sorry for me and that I deserve a boy but that my husband isnt a real man. That a real man makes boys and that I'm just made for girls, hes cursed me.
My mother in law hurts me too by saying things like once "this one" (she won't call the baby a baby) or she'll say at least I don't have to change my question when I ask you how the girls are doing. It will always be "the girls" and never kids. I read everyone's posts about how they are dying and would do anything to have a girl and I feel so selfish for being blessed with the 2 I have but on the same hand everyone out there with boys are even more lucky than they can imagine. Right now I don't know if ill ever be blessed to have a baby in a blue blanket placed in my arms and to cheer him on at his football games or dance with him at his wedding to that special mother and son dance. My mind wanders all day with these thoughts.
I'm 17 weeks and I should have another u/s soon that my dr orders. But he also has a little u/s machine in his office and asks before he gets started if I want to see the baby. I have turned it down 2x now just because my anxiety over hearing girl is so high. This whole pregnancy has just felt so different from when I was pregnant with the girls that I feel in my gut its a boy, i thought i was supposed to have those motherly instincts. I have been dreaming of having girls and that in the hospital once the baby is placed on me after birth my husband just walks out and never comes back. I read somewhere that if you dream of one sex you will have the opposite. I dreamt of only boys when i was pregnant with the girls and I feel that maybe its just my anxiety that's making me dream of girls but I know I'm just grasping for straws at this point.
My husband has settled with the thought of having another girl, and seems to be taking it 100% better than me. He isn't excited but he's just settled because girls are all we know. But I wish he would just be excited and I could give him the son we have always dreamed of. I just feel like a failure all around.
