I never knew I would feel GD, trying to accept/cope and have noone to talk to...

hello all,
I'm new on these boards and wanted to vent out my story cause I dont' know how else to deal with my feelings, especially when I feel guilty for even feeling them.
A long time ago Dh and I went through the crisis of IF when we tried for our first. After a long journey, a miscarriage and IVF we were finally blessed with a baby - it did not matter at all boy or girl and we did not find out, even though DH was hoping for a girl but was SURE it was a DS since his family is predisposed to boys. In the delivery room, DD was born and we could not be happier. Unfortunately (in hindsight), I was so amazed at having a baby period, that I did nothing girly in particular. our clothes were neutral, we had practically NO bows, (I think the first time I ever put one on her, she was almost a year) and so on. However I could probably say it was the happiest year of my life. Two years later with help again, DS was born. We didn't find out with him either and I was happy either way. I felt blessed to have one of each and if we felt pretty complete. Having a boy though I started really wishing in hindsight I had done more "girly" things with my first. Especially seeing how so many of my friends were decking out their baby girl infants in all those pretty cute things and ribbons.
We were torn about ever having a 3rd because it is such a huge responsibility that we didn't feel sure we could take on, but God decided for us and sent us a surprise with DS now almost 4.
I was shocked and thrilled. After all the suffering we went through to have kids in the first place, here we were suddenly simply pregnant without trying. having one of each I figured it really didn't matter now which I would have this time. I was just thrilled that I would get to experience a baby again. I THOUGHT I was neutral.
But one thing after another began to happen. When DD found out she REALLY started being convinced this is her baby sister being sent to her and even told me that if its a boy she wouldn't love him. She calls the baby a she and is CONVINCED. That aside a bunch of snarky people around me that I don't like started being really annoying (as they always are) and knowing that DD wants a girl, began to tell me they already "know" I'm having a boy. (very annoying - like THEY are given that gift to know!). That aside unknowingly I began to dream of being able to have a girl to do all the things I regret not having done with DD and thinking that maybe this is my chance. Also I have such a special relationship with DS and felt that by remaining the only boy, he would be more special.
Well, you can guess the rest of the story. While it is still early, we have found out with pretty much a guarantee that this is another DS. DD doesn't know yet and I am afraid she will be devastated. I found out that at our 12 weeks scan both the tech and doctor guessed boy (doctor was VERY sure) and then at a private 14 week scan the tech showed us a potty shot and said she is pretty sure this is a boy too. With this, even though its still very early, I pretty much know that I'm not getting a girl.
What I wasn't prepared for, was how I would start feeling.
I had thought (and especially when finding out I was expecting at all) that I am completely neutral either way. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't... and that when I saw blue instead of pink, instead of feeling elated, I suddenly went into shock, thinking oh my goodness... I'm not going to have a girl...
and then it started hitting me that I'm not having a girl ever again... that DD was that one time chance and that I totally didn't do the hundreds of things I would now. I wasn't going to give DD the sis she is so hoping for. All those smug people are going to smirk about having been right. and all these other things that SHOULDN'T matter.... but they do because instead of feeling elation, I'm trying to deal with the fact that its not going to turn out the way I'd fantasized (without even realizing) and that its very final.
I'm finding it REALLY hard to look at baby girls right now or see photos of them decked out in frilly pink stuff. I feel doubly stupid because I actually "had" that chance to do it all and blew it. And now it really hurts.
i can't talk to anyone - noone knows. And frankly, I'm not terribly excited to reveal the gender to all those people who right off the bat told me they "know" I am having another boy.
This is crazy.. why would I feel this way when this was a total bonus surprise anyway? And its not about love for this baby. I love this new miracle with all my heart and would not trade it for anything. I'm just dealing with a terrible disappointment of realizing I won't have another chance with a girl and dreading breaking the news to DD. I can't help but read stories of how the 20 week scan showed differently but trying not to even go there and hope for some 1% chance that this is a girl afterall. With current technology and having been told by 3 people, I think this is in stone. All I want is to have my elation back and I feel awful to feel down in the first place. how do I get over it? Everything I feel seems so frivolous, but why the heck does it matter so much?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but you are certainly not alone! It does get easier but it takes time. You will have both good and bad days and eventually the good outnumber the bad. Don't feel guilty, we are all allowed to wish, hope and dream but unfortunately we don't always get what we were hoping for :hugs:

Honestly I would just take the time to get your head round it. Many people have a preference for many reasons. Don't feel bad about it. If you don't want to tell people then don't. I didn't tell anyone I found out with ds3 until I was at peace with it and he was born.

The news is still raw. In time you'll digest it and think of all the wonderful bits of having another boy. Congrats on that sweet miracle baby.

I can totally relate. I remember specifically thinking I wouldn't care what sex this baby is and then BAM - as soon as they told me boy I was devastated.

I am not telling people mostly in fear of what they say to me about having 5 boys. All the nasty comments like you going to the basket ball team. So you going to try for that girl? Yada Yada Yada!!

I too am finding some days worse than others. Yesterday was a bad day, today not as bad.

Slowly I am accepting that I may very well have that 5th boy. I look at the profile pic we have and who ever it is I am starting to fall in love with. Plus I am feeling movement and that too is making it real for me.

I have decided that if it truly is a boy then I am going to forgive myself for always wishing quietly I had a girl in the mix. I will just have to be ok with it, we all must move forward at one point. I am just going to take it a day at a time.

I think when you're pregnant and already have children it's natural to worry about being disloyal to or depriving your existing children. I felt the same way independent of gender when I had a second child. When the new baby is here and no longer an abstraction you'll see him as someone just as real and worthy as your other two and no longer worry about depriving your daughter of a sister or losing your bond with your older son.

Its ok to feel the way you're feeling, let your feeling be don't try push them away, the more we try and push our feeling away the harder it is, give yourself time.

If you don't mind me asking how old is your daughter? My older two are 10 almost 11 & 8 almost 9 and I can still find heaps of pretty clothes and hair clips/ties!!