Seriously feel like she is missing from my life.

Hi everyone, like so many of you I too have my own GD story.

Ever since I have been young I have felt a strong female presence with me. If I was asked what I wanted to be when I was I grew up it was a mother. I always thought for sure it would be a girl.

I met my first hubby and we had a boy, then another boy (which everyone told me he would be a girl because he was so different), then convinced my hubby that I had to have another one. I had this strange feeling that we needed to have another child. I was feeling very incomplete. When I found out he was a boy I wasn't upset. There was such a strong possibility that he may not make it, that I didn't honestly care.

Once I met my current hubby and fell pg and had another boy I completely gave up on having a girl. I figured I just was not meant to have girls. I was happy with my boys and didn't want anymore, even if I felt that someone was missing from my life. I just figured it was that little girl, but we weren't really wanting to try incase it would be another boy.

This last Nov all of the sudden people started saying that they thought I was going to have a girl. At first I got angry at people cause we were finished having children. Then (I am a very spiritual person) I was a 'Body and Soul' expo and all these people that don't know me mentioned a female presence with me, or a female child was in my midst. Honestly I laughed it off, but these messages kept coming. I believe in synchonosities as messages from above, our angels. So I started to wonder if this was finally our time for our girl.

What you have to understand is that my body since my last child, I am now in my 30's, was starting to dry up and made DTD very hard for us. To top off all these messages I was getting, my body started to become more moist out of no where. I was starting to have sensations down there again, and we could enjoy DTD with out pain. That to me was a Divine intervention on its own!! Hubby and I just looked at each other and both thought maybe this is it. Then all of the sudden (I am a natural psychic in training to trust my instincts) I started to see this little girl, then hear a little girl calling me when there was no one around, and even feel this amazing presence around me all the time. To me this was our reason to give this little soul a chance.

We caught the egg right away, but found out at about 6 weeks there was a chance that it was ectopic because of a mass on my right ovary. So I chose the MTX shot to avoid losing my ovary. I was devastated that we lost that pg. I have never suffered a loss before. It was horrible.

As we were coming to an end with the three months after the shot, I heard from a friend on another forum about this gender calendar and I thought it would be fun to do. As I ordered it I asked my angels "if I am truly meant to have a girl please show it by having the weekend we planned away as a girl week". I got the calendar back and I almost fell off the couch looking at it. To my amazement the calendar showed a very strong girl week for our TTC/spa vacation we planned, just the two of us.

So we conceived that week, and we couldn't be happier. The signs that we would have our girl just got stronger and stronger. At the 12 week NT scan it looked like the nub was girly. I got so confident that I (which never happened before) wanted to go out and buy a large bag of used girl clothing.

We had a scan at 16 +5 week and I thought I saw a nub, but wasn't sure what it was, so I asked it it was too early. All she said was that she knew it was a boy. At the time I laughed, but when I got home everything changed. All the deep anger, sadness, despair, grief, I could go on, that I would never have a girl hit me hard. I was mad at myself for thinking and believing that all these strangers would know anything. Why did I trust. My belief has been crushed. i even went as far as to research other u/s pic to find out if what I saw was truly a boy. I think I am going crazy.

We are not going to try again. I can not go through this all over again. Even if we lost this pg I don't think we would try again. I am so selfish for thinking I would only have a girl. I honestly don't even know if I want this little guy. I know I will love him, but I am not happy about it right now. I need to learn to let go, but how am I when I am still missing this little girl?

There was even about two days of me researching what boys parts look like about 16 weeks. Well this baby didn't look like either of them really. Why I say that is because I did not see a scrotum or any lines. So I sat there trying to prove that maybe, just maybe that by next scan they would tell me that baby is actually a girl.

I had to stop myself because I don't think that I could handle feeling the disappointment all over again. So I decided to not believe they could be wrong for my sake.... not that there isn't a small sliver of hope. But that is all I am leaving it up to, hope.

Im so sorry you're sad & Im sorry for what you have gone through. I can relate to some of what your feeling, but Im in a better place now that she's 15mths, you will feel the same if its a boy. I also bought a calendar, but I also done the diet, supplements & the rest of it, oh well wasn't meant to be for me.

Actually Im pretty sure I said girl to your 12wk scan, but like you said you don't want to get your hopes up and then have them crash down, I wish I could say something to make you feel better, just know that each one of your boys has a purpose in this life, it will all make sense one day.

I felt this way when we had our 4th boy. I was so grateful for the ability to have an ultrasound and find out we were having a boy because if I had given birth and then found out I would have felt awful. It took me a few weeks to accept that he was a boy and by the time I delivered I was so in love with him. I'm not sure who the female presence is that is around you but maybe people are wrong that it is your daughter. What brought me comfort was the thought that God made me the mother to these boys... for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is but I can trust in that there is a reason. That I'm the right one for the job. Even when I thought my job was to be the mother to a girl. *hugs*