Longgggg feelings vent that I need to get out
This is a longggg feelings/random thought post that I have to get off my chest. I need to tell people who understand me. So if you get through the post thank you :)
My sons are 3 and 4 and I STILL have GD. I thought GD goes away or gets easier.
Some days I secretly think that if I could trade both of my boys for just one daughter. JUST ONE DAUGHTER.... that I would be so much happier. That my life would be complete and that all the stars would align. That the world would be "right"
That somehow my life would be so much better, that I would be so much closer with my child. That I wouldn't have to get pregnant again, gain weight, ruin my body even more.
I feel so terrible for even saying that. I feel like I don't deserve to even have happy, healthy children.
Some days I wish that I had learned about swaying a long time ago, so that I could have tried to sway for a DD.
I don't know if its just the GD, but I sometimes feel like I even resent my children for being boys. I feel like *this is NOT how my family was suppose to be*. IIIII was suppose to be an ALL girl mom. I don't feel close with them at all. Its hard to get on the floor and play with them because boy toys just aren't interesting to me.
I am going to be ttc pink in august, but fear that because I feel so strongly about having a daughter that I WILL indeed get another boy because God or somebody is trying to punish me.
If I somehow do end up conceiving a daughter, I think that my GD would immediately clear up, and that I could get closer with my ALL my children because I would have a complete family.
I also have huge huge guilt about thinking this to myself also....
if I get pregnant and its a boy, I was thinking of giving it up for adoption or having an abortion because I think that my GD would get the best of me and that I would be consumed with anger/disappointment. BUTTTTTTT.....
THEN I snap back out of it. I would NEVER have an abortion, or give my child up for adoption.
When I get pg and go for the ultrasound, I think I am going to have them put a potty shot and gender in an envelope and open it up at home when I am ready, because I would be very ashamed to burst into tears in front of the ultrasound tech. I have thought of things to do to cheer myself up/make the best of it if I do get another boy. But I can't think of things that would cheer me up. I have tried to brace myself but I just tell myself, if I have a 3rd son, that I am FOR SURE going HT for a fourth & fifth to get daughters.
Whew. That felt really good to tell somebody. This has been bottled up for too long, and I can't tell people in real life, because they would just think I was was a bad/selfish undeserving mom.
