Totally shocking, surprise BFP after a late-term loss *UPDATE pg. 3*
I don't know if this is the right place to post this...I've been going back and forth between this board and the TTC After a Loss board, and then finally decided to post here, so as not to hurt or upset any of the mamas still trying to conceive their rainbow baby.
I'm not sure if anyone here remembers me, but I was quite active on these message boards a long while back. I have two boys (born in 2008 and 2010), and had swayed for a girl in 2012. I ended up getting pregnant with boy/girl twins, carried them for 37 weeks, and then lost the boy right before birth. My daughter will be 1 year old in a month, and I don't know where this year has gone. I've been in a fog of grief over the loss of my son, joy and love for my new daughter, and just the plain old trying to get used to life as a mommy of three kids. It's been a busy year, filled with a lot of up and down emotions.
My husband and I had decided that we were going to be 100% done having kids when we were pregnant with the twins. But after we lost our son, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. As time went on, we began to feel blessed and almost complete with our 3 healthy kids, but I still felt that curiosity over whether or not we should try for one more. After all, we had gotten used to the idea of 4 kids when I was pregnant with the twins, and I didn't want the last baby I'd ever deliver to be one that was stillborn. I wanted a happy ending, I wanted another chance at a healthy pregnancy and just one more take-home baby. But I wasn't sure if I wanted that enough to risk all the potential problems that could go wrong with trying one more time. What if I have another loss? What if my KIDS have to go through another loss? They had a really hard time with losing their brother, especially my oldest son. That was probably the hardest part of our loss - seeing our children's heartache over it. :(
Anyway, I had planned a lazy, yet strict sway with Atomic that I was going to *maybe* put into effect come October or so. Lazy in the sense of not doing a ton of things to sway, and strict in the sense of not making it easy to get pregnant. I was still of the mindset of not being sure whether or not I even WANTED to try again. I was...am...terrified of another loss like that. I had my plan of TTC in October....but was totally OK with chickening out if need-be once the time came, or even trying for a couple of months and then closing the door if it didn't happen, and scheduling a permanent birth control solution, and then moving on with life.
Well, in the midst of my indecisiveness, God took matters into his own hands and made that decision for us. We got the biggest shock of our lives a couple of weeks ago when my period was late and a blaring BFP was staring back at me. I cried for about a week straight. I was shocked and terrified, and totally unprepared for a surprise pregnancy. I've literally just started a new job, I hadn't been taking any folic acid or vitamins of any kind, we just switched to a high-deductible health plan, and I haven't lost all of my pregnancy weight from my pregnancy with the twins (which could be a serious problem causing the same kind of loss to happen again). I know I should be happy with a blessing such as this, but I'm just not there yet. I'm devastated right now...and just simply shocked and so, so scared.
I'm sorry for this long, depressing post. We haven't told anyone IRL yet, for obvious reasons, and I just needed a place to get this out. Again, I apologize if this isn't the right place to post it, and I'm hoping a moderator could move it to the appropriate place if needed.
If you've read this far, then I thank you. Just needed to get this out and tell someone. :HH:
