age gap concerns

I didn't really know where to post this but I can't stop thinking about the age gap of my boys and my future DD. Maybe its a defence mechanism to help me cope if it doesn't work out, but it concerns me, and I need to let it out!

It's because my DS1 just celebrated his 9th birthday a few days ago, so if I were to get pg with my DE FET cycle in Oct or nov, then he'd be 10 when my DD is born! & my DS2 would be 6 and a half.

I worry about not having enough time for them, being unable to help with their school home work, or focus on their needs and activities etc.

Also, my boys are best friends and play really well together (most of the time!) but my DD wouldn't have a playmate - would it be like bringing up an only child? Will she still play with her big brothers? Will I be ruining our (now very easy) family dynamic?

PLEASE can you tell me some really great and happy stories of similar age gap families to cheer me up!!!

Or, just tell me to stop worrying because I am not even pregnant yet!!! & very far from it!

Thanks,

L x

Ahh, I totally understand!! For my first transfer my boys were 4yr and 18 months, I finally got DD(7 months old) and the boys are 8 1/2 and 5 1/2!! I am not just saying this to make you feel better, I mean this, but I am SO happy that they are older!! I have forgotten how much time a newborn/baby really needs, and am so grateful that they well especially DS1 is self sufficient and can be very helpful! I mean not Duggar family style ( they are not building a new home for us or babysitting lol) but just the simple things like getting themselves a drink, toileting, getting dressed and if I need something from the room like a diaper, wipes, open the car door the list goes on!

My boys also play well together and I never need a playdate! BUT I am not worried about DD, girls tend to make lots of friends ( I think) and I am sure there will be plenty to choose from.. FWIW I am an only child and I have amazing friends!!

Good Luck!! I am hoping you can make it happen!!

I worry about the age gap too because I wanted my children all close in age and now wonder if the girl will feel like an only child and not be as close to her brothers. I'd love to get pregnant right now but we can't do HT for at least a couple of years due to financial reasons. I figure I'd rather a daughter late than never though and the things I just mentioned I'd be willing to compromise instead of risking TTC naturally and using up my last chance by getting another boy.

DPs boys from his ex wife are 9 and 11 and our boys are 2x2 and 4. They all get along wonderfully. The big ones help with the little ones and think they are so cute and the little ones idolise the big ones and follow them around. They have their many differences being so far apart in age but they definitely all care about each other and have their lovely sibling momments. The 11 year old loves babies and so does my 4 year old so I know that they will love having another baby around in a couple of years, especially a girl as that would be a HUGE novelty in our family.

I think you enhd up just making work what ever you get and somehow it will all seem right to you.

Age gaps can be great. And I am not just saying that to make you feel better either. My two eldest DS's were 9 and 7 when DS3 came along. And they were 11, 9 and 2 when DD came along. It's almost like I have two "sets" of children. But when they are all together, they are just like any other brothers and sisters. The eldest boy (who is the most sensitive) and my DD are the best of friends and DS2 and DS3 seem to gravitate to each other (both rough little nuts). So neither age, not gender really matter.

When my eldest two are at school I get quality time with the little two. And even though it can be hard to fit in after school activities and take the little ones along, I have just become better organised. Also, the bigger boys are amazing helpers. Everyday they help put the babies into the car, pack the diaper bag etc. And I don't ask them, they just want to do it.

The only negative can be when your toddler says things you would expect to hear from a ten year old. They pick up/copy everything the older ones do and say. But it's nothing too bad, just the odd pre teen colloquialism.

I have a friend who has two older brothers and was the youngest (and only girl) by seven years. She said she loved it. Your DD will always have her friends, but trust me, she won't be lonely with big brothers to love.

thank you all SO much - you made me smile (and cry a little too!)

xxx

I am bumping my old thread as I am having all these same fears now. They are even stronger now that I am a little bit nearer to this being a reality.

My FET is June 8th.

Panicking slightly as our life is pretty easy now - our boys are almost 10yrs, and 6yrs - I am worried that fulfilling my 'desire' is going to have a negative impact on the rest of my family.

I am pretty sure this is all my defence mechanism to help deal with another bfn but wanted to share with you all.


Any one else have big age gaps like this?

I understand how you feel. My 7 & 5 yr olds do suffer because we have a 2 yr old and they will suffer even more because we will have another baby. My 2 yr old will suffer from getting a new sibling to take away his attention. Most of all, we're going to be completely exhausted and feel inadequate towards all our kids. It's just the way it is, we're just going to have to accept that this is our reality.

Instead of fearing it, you're going to have to accept it. Your older ones will have to deal with less attention, more difficult outings due to baby tagging along, the baby's needs will come first a lot of the time. They will have to get used to doing some things with dad only, because mom has to be home with baby.

On the other hand, your children will have a new person to love, care for, give kisses and cuddles. They will have someone to read to, comfort, play with, and will learn so much from this. The amount of love in the family will increase, for everyone involved. And your potential daughter won't have sibling close in age. But she will have two big brothers to look up to and take care of her. What a gift! When they are adults the age gap won't matter that much anyway. Your daughter won't have a sibling close in age, but the other option is that she doesn't exist.

I feel, every time I have a baby, that I'm right back to scratch again, have to struggle through all of it again. It's a harsh reality, but the prize will come in time, that is why we do it. At least I won't have to live with GD for the rest of my life. That is worth something to me. And I think that in the long run another sibling is a bigger gift than slightly more attention from mom and dad.

GL with your FET!

:fx:

My eldest is 8 now. And although the gab isn't as big as yours. I Had the same worries. Throughout my whole pregnancy I asked myself what am i doing.
But now she's here and its just perfect. Wouldn't want to miss her in the world.
But I know if we left it with our boys I would be just as happy.
Its the choice of a different life. Not a better or worse life. Just different.

I think the fact that you're even thinking about this PROVES that you'll be a great Mama regardless of age gap, and totally rock it - because you'll be more in tune with what each kiddo needs at each age. I was worried about this with DS 3 being 4 years younger than his 2 big bros... because they are only 21 months apart and act like twins. By being aware of it, I've made sure to always celebrate each child's unique strengths and talents, and to make them all feel happy. I'll do the same with my future daughter or daughters... and you can too :)

It all works out fine dont worry, the only complaint i have is my 3yr old can be annoying at times to her older sisters only cause she wants to copy all that they do its very sweet actually.