Beginning to resent my husband...
I don't know where to even begin with this all.... DH and I always said that we would have 2 children and that they we would be 2 boys. Lucky us got what we wanted. It wasn't long after Ds2 was born that the gender desire started creeping in for me. We decided that we would try for another baby when Ds2 was about 10mo.
We fell pregnant straight away and I just naturally assumed that I was pregnant with our daughter. I mean, we had our 2 boys so it just made sense. Even DH who was accurate in predicting our other 2 thought it was a girl.
We opted to get an early gender scan at 16weeks because the suspense was killing me. Imagine my shock when they said 80% chance of a boy! I managed to hold it together until I dropped DH off at work. After that I absolutely lost it. I was a mess. I don't think I'd ever been so hysterical in my life. To make it worse, DH was happy that we had another boy which just made me furious. He only ever wanted boys so he didn't care that we were going to have Ds3.
I kind of went into a donward spiral from there. It was horrible. I had so many dark thoughts. I even considered just wrapping my car around a pole to be done with it all.
I did a lot of research into gender selection and through this forum, I realised that it wasn't as expensive or as uncommon as I thought. That was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. For the first time in a while, I was happy and excited about my pregnancy with Ds3 because I knew that I would get my daughter eventually.
Ds3 is now 2.5yo and the absolute light of my life. He is the most sweet, funny, caring little boy in the world. I often think back to the dark times in my pregnancy and cry at some of the horrible thoughts that went through my mind. I wouldn't change him for the world! But my gender desire/disappointment has only gotten worse in the 2.5 years.
DH went from yes we will got HT but not for a couple of years to we will see in a couple of years to now, no way no how, never going to happen. He's decided that he definitely doesn't want another child so that's that.
I don't know how to deal with that because I can't let go of my strong desire to have a daughter, a sister for my sons. Every time I hear of someone I know being pregnant, it sends me into a meltdown because I just know they are either going to get a girl or end up with a perfect little pidgeon pair. And then when it comes time for the gender reveal I end up an hysterical mess and in a depressed state for days.
DH used to to sympathetic but now it's gotten to the point where he gets frustrated whenever I have an 'episode'. I can't help but to start feeling resentful of him. He's happy that he's got his 3 boys, has no desire for a daughter and just doesn't understand how much this eats me up inside. I've tried explaining it to him but he just doesn't get it. I just wish that he would agree to go HT. I've said that he won't regret having another child, but I will regret not at least trying to have a daughter.
Sorry for the novel but it feels so good to get all of that out! I guess I'm just looking for any advice to deal with all of this??